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I'm been seeing my therapist for almost 18 months and I am finally finding the courage to question  that I am seeing the right person. I truly like her as a person and I want her to like me, and I think that may be why I am not trusting my instincts ....again.
I've started to fall back into a depression and  I left her a message to tell her that I was not feeling up to coming in to our regular appointment , I just couldn't gather the energy. She messaged back a short time later that that was" good self care" and she would see me next week. I emailed her the next day to reschedule our appt for the next week and I received no reply, I emailed again a 2nd time 4 days later asking again to reschedule and no reply.I then left a voicemail saying I was holding my calendar open waiting to hear from her and I was concerned that she had not responded. She then called me about an hour later apologizing for being so rude and we set the next appointment for that week. When I came in to her office I sort of expected her to say something about forgetting to get back to me but she didnt, she did not explain or acknowledge that it may have concerned me. It actually made me feel invisible and very unimportant to her, it may be a just a f I rgetful error on her part but it hurt my feelings. I felt a familiar pang of rejection and neglect. Now how to I come back from this?  Any thoughts would be appreciated!

Hi Twinkletoes, thanks for sharing your letter, and your courage to say what was in your heart. So much of it resonated with me and my feelings or lack of feelings I had towards my mother. I'm so sorry for all the pain you have to deal with, but you are not alone in how you feel.
Sending you a hug .

Rebel, thanks for your post. I completely understand what you said about being in a group and how hard it is. Most of the time I am most comfortable being as invisible as possible, there is safety in not being noticed. But the flip side is that I'm invisible and feel like an outsider, alone and different. I really want to try to change that. Having a group of people that "get's" me is a new experience. I'm really going to try to be a part of this community. I want to learn how to care about others and let them care about me as well. I hope you are able to find help within this community as well.

I've been reading Pete Walkers book about complex ptsd , I try to read a few pages each day  and really let the understanding sink in. He talks a lot about the healing power of grieving and just allowing yourself to have a good cry. I've discovered that this is very hard for me to do! I can cry but I cant really just let out a deep wail.... even in therapy the tears just sort of seep out of my eyes and I very rarely let them even roll down my cheek. Im embarassed I guess.  I don't think I ever let my inner child come to
the  surface and cry.... just can't do it. Anyone else have trouble with this?

Thanks for the kind words, it really helps just to know you all understand

I've been reading posts for several days and have been kind of getting to know you all, I figured it was time to introduce myself, so here's my story.
I  came from a family history of severe abuse and neglect. I had an alcoholic father who suffered sever psychotic episodes from having served in the German army . They didn't have a diagnosis of PTSD back then but he certainly suffered from it and in turn caused great trauma to my sisters and I. We were beaten severely, and emotionally tortured. He replayed trauma that had been done to him on to his children. My mother was unable to rescue us, she was so focused on her own pain that she was almost unaware we existed. She seemed to identify with being a victim and always made us feel that her pain was greater than ours and that we had no right to complain. We were immigrants with no family in this country and there were no adults to turn to. Where was CPS back then!
My childhood was spent trying to stay alive , there wasn't much time to be a child at all. My goal was to get out of the house as soon as I could and that's exactly what I did. I married at 15 and thought all my problems were over, and that life would be happy now I had escaped.
And for a few years everything was fine... until I had children and suddenly realized what it felt like to love a child. How was it possible that my parents did not feel that way about me? How could anyone treat a child like I was raised! I have spent many years fighting depression , sadness, and shame and not really understanding why. My thoughts are always filled with trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
I have spent most of my adult life trying to figure out how to fix me.
Reading Pete Walkers book changed everything for me....it opened my eyes and gave me an understanding of why I am the way I am, it was truly life changing for me.
And now I have found this forum as well. I have a diagnosis, I have others who know exactly what I am going through. I feel like I have finally found a place where I can be understood and I have a map to follow. I'm hoping to learn how to feel like a part of a group..... I have never really been able to do that before now.
Thank you all for your courage , kindness and support. I'm so happy to have found you.