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I feel your pain. I don't have a definitive answer myself either, but sometimes I find reading fictional novels or honestly watching wholesome cartoons, like Winnie the Pooh can help with that because of where they leave your mind at before you fall asleep.  Falling asleep is a bigger issue for me currently, but I am hopeful that the new medication I have been prescribed will help with that.

I wish you sweet dreams. x

This one rings true for me.

Life Less Frightening
Rise Against


Suffering from something we're not sure of
In a world there is no cure for
These lives we live test negative for happiness
Flat line, no pulse, but eyes open
Single file like soldiers on a mission
If there's no war outside our heads
Why are we losing?

I don't ask for much
Truth be told I'd settle
For a life less frightening, a life less frightening

I don't ask for much
Truth be told I'd settle
For a life less frightening, a life less frightening

Hang me out to dry I'm soaking
With the sense of knowing
What's gone wrong but doing nothing I still run
Time again I have found myself stuttering
Foundations pulled out from under me
This breath is wasted on them all
Will someone answer me


I don't ask for much
Truth be told I'd settle
For a life less frightening, a life less frightening

Is there a God tonight?
Up in the sky or is it empty just like me (Just like me)
A place where we can hide out from the night
Where you are all I need (Where you are all I need)
So all he says, goodbye, and close your eyes
Tell me what you say (Tell me what you say)
A life I sit inside this dream of mine
Where you are all I see

I don't ask for much
Truth be told I'd settle
For a life less frightening, a life less frightening

Welcome we're here for you.

I think I am an extrovert.  I definitely have social intelligence, but I isolate.  However, I think isolation is a symptom of PTSD and not the person I am.  I often talk to people if I am waiting.  I do this because it helps with anxiety from waiting.  My sister says she never understands how I can do that.  I also rarely will just talk to a male, I am friendlier with women.

Dee I'm the same as you. I will talk to anyone without issue; however, the depth at which I actually let people in is different. I Guess I would compare it to a rose. The "extrovert" who talks to everyone is like the lovely aroma that can be scented from a ways away, but the thorns we carry keep people a safe distance away from our more introverted and traumatized innards.
I find people are always  incredibly shocked when they find out how traumatized I have been in life and perhaps some of that "extrovert" is a defence against people seeing the damage too.

I mean... Wave a ribbon-adorned tambourine with your beautiful hand and no one will notice the scarred and mangled one behind your back.

I don't think there is anything wrong with realizing we need time to seclude once in a while if only to allow ourselves to reflect and deepen our understanding of what we are battling. It's the line we have to draw with ourselves so as not to slide down the slippery slope of never going back out of seclusion.

I hope that helped some and I hope you find comfort in knowing there isn't anything "wrong with you". You're just fighting the same war as the rest of us here too. We'll get there 

sanmagic7 Thank you! I am so glad there are therapists out there like you too!  She does really seem to care and is interested in the concept of CPTSD.  And you are so right!!!! for 2 nights I had the strangest dreams! They weren't bad dreams but just so strange and I wore up feeling slightly strange myself. 

This whole process of rewiring and challenging our toxic shame and inner critic has left me feeling king of... well weird for lack of a better term. I don't feel like my old self that I was so comfortable being - the defensive, angry, lashing out, secluding and negative person... but I'm not healed all the way yet either. It's like I've walked out of the room I've been in for the last 26 years into a new one that has some familiarities, but I don't actually think I've ever been in. Almost like the real me knows this room, but can't fully remember on account of all that the CPTSD poison has been siphoning out of my life for so long.

So... Feeling weird haha

Thank you all for the support. I really hope that those looking for a good EMDR therapist find one and have the same great experience  I had.  Thinking of you. 

So, I had my first EMDR session yesterday and I must say... I went in thinking "well this is going to be BS"... and I was stunned by the outcome.  I know it's a start, but wow what a running jump start it was. I couldn't believe not only the instance that came up that bothered me were things I kind of forgot about... In this case the first time I remember feeling like the most horrible person in the world was when I was 4 years old. When I brought it up I was just sobbing and by the time the EMDR process was done I was almost laughing at how much I had let that bother me because of how completely insignificant it was. The second scene was of my sexual abuse, which needless to say was more difficult and the emotions and physical response was much greater and different, still... there was change there and that says a lot.

I used to leave therapy sessions feeling so bogged down and tired and just plain *. It's like they make you wade out into the disaster of your shipwreck and have you float around in the shattered pieces of your trauma and then they send you away with nothing except the feeling of being soaked and exhausted and alone.

The EMDR sessions are more like being led out to the shipwreck with a headset on so that someone is with you to remind you "this isn't real anymore". As you find important and positive things in the wreckage they invite you to collect and hold onto those things more and more. When it's all over they dry you off, and send you away with a baggy of all the hope and healing you collected and leaving behind wreckage so that you don't need to go back to look for anything (you have it now).

I was amazed is all I can say and they made a believer out of me. The best part is, even though I was exhausted after, I was still able to go to the gym and not only function, but actually feel legitimately better!  I asked my therapist to do more research into CPTSD as she is not overly familiar with the concept yet, but is aware of it and sees the correlation to my struggles.

We are also working diligently on my low self-esteem, which is a major by-product of CPTSD (as we all know) and is the greatest cause of so many of the other struggles we are left to face. Amazing how liberating it is when you can finally put your finger on what you have been struggling with. I guess it makes sense, like tossing paint on an invisible demon. Now that I see you I can defeat you.

Sorry for the long winded response  . I just wanted to share in the hopes it will help anyone else thinking about trying.

That's really upsetting for sure and I am sorry to hear that you are lacking support in that area of your life, which seems rather crucial.  Unfortunately, as amazing as it would be, we can't control anyone but ourselves and as CPTSD has shown us, even then we struggle lol. I know that it's hard to understand how people can be so cruel and unsupportive, usually it's because people fear what they don't understand and they also have fears of having to accept that someone they love is 'Damaged'.  You are so strong and brave and doing what you need to for you and that is a feat in itself. Take pride and comfort in all you are capable of despite your trauma. You have us.

Thank you.  I am nervous and excited I think.

I also bought the book "from surviving to thriving" that was recommended here. I did a little bit of reading that amazon allowed me to do online and wow! it felt like someone had written down my feelings for me. Like someone finally expressed for me what I have been struggling to make heard.

I really hope I can convince my loved ones to read it as well so that they can better understand and perhaps heal as well from the hurt that my pain has caused!

Welcome... we're here for you and understand the feeling of not being heard 

I hope your family is supportive and wants to learn to be able to help you through this.

Glad you were sent here 

Thank you all for responding. I love that we can share and grow together.

I have been reading a book called "de-cluttering your mind" which has proven insightful on helping day by day and I have also just ordered a couple more books I hope will help as well. "Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving" and also "the complex PTSD Workbook".

I have also been referred to a Psychiatrist to look into possible medications that I can use as an aid while I make my way through processing the traumas in therapy. I was very leery about medications and was really against them, but am warming up to the idea when It was explained as more of a "taking a pre-workout drink before a run workout for a while until you can you adjust and can do the workout on your own". Same result, but one is gonna work a little faster perhaps without having to fight the other awful symptoms that often negate and counter out processing.

So I am hopeful. I have my first EMDR session tomorrow and I am looking forward to seeing what comes of it.

I hope you are all doing well.

From what I can tell, speaking for myself... I struggle with this issue too very much in my personal life. When things are starting to feel amazing and wonderful I break... So backwards it seems. the way I am coming to understand it (and believe me, I'm very new to this) is that CPTSD means we have been In survival mode for as long as we can remember. We don't live, we survive. So, that being said, when you are in survival mode and something great happens, we let our guard down for a moment and relish in the wonder of it only to suddenly get that gnawing feeling in the backs of our minds / thoughts and that twisting in our guts saying "hey, whoa, you're too happy, you are off your game and aren't paying attention and this is when something is going to get you because you aren't paying attention to the bad that could attack you while you're too busy being happy". It's all we know. For us the good was always wiped by the bad over and over. Now when something good happens we are still expecting the bad. We don't sabotage on purpose of course... it's just what we have come to understand and the natural reaction to good. Good for us is not good, It's a distraction that could potentially lose us everything. Such a catch though, because that response is what ends up losing us everything in the end.

it's very much like we have been trying to live by looking in the mirror. what's left is right and vise versa... We will get there. We won't always feel this way and we have each other to help identify what is really good.

Hope this helps you... It's the insight I found for myself that makes sense. xo

Thank you both so much! That sounds great. The Session went quite well and was a lot different from what I've experienced with my last 3 therapists which was promising for me. It felt right and like she gets what I'm saying instead of focussing on the superficial level of my pain. My next session is next week and we are starting with EMDR, which I'm really actually excited to try something new that might just help me climb out of the rubble of my life experiences.  The Cognitive behavioral therapy will hopefully help too. I also bought a "fidget", which I am waiting for in the mail and I had asked the therapist if this was a positive coping mechanism and she said it was a very good idea to have a fidget as the sensory can help soothe the anxiety and panic that can arise from this rutting demon we call CPTSD.

Thanks again for sharing you guys. I will give those strategies a try as well on my own. 

Hi Everyone, I was hoping to open up a topic that will allow us to share the strategies that we learn as we go and that work well for us. I know not everyone has access to good resources for coping and healing. I have my first session today with a new psychologist (my 4th therapist in 4 years). I truly hope this one is a good fit and can help, which in turn I hope to be able to share the strategies etc. with all of you in the hopes that the healing will spread like wildfire. I'm sure I could benefit from hearing what worked for you al too.
Thank you. 

  Thank you all for the warm welcome. Hard to feel you belong anywhere when the ability to trust anyone is gone and not feel in danger at all times is so high.

I have my first appointment with a new Psychologist today and I am looking forward to seeing what her take is on a diagnosis and a plan forward. I hope to be able to share some of the strategies that I learn there so that perhaps those struggling to find a resource can benefit too.

is there a portion of the forum for such things?

Thank you all again. I hope to find the light within again.

Hey I'm super new here and I understand how difficult it can be to confront your abuser. I was sexually abused as a child for several years by an older cousin who was living in our home. it's a very confusing and difficult situation because when there is a relationship there (and by that I mean they have been a part of your life for so long) it feels like you are the "bad guy" if you want to break ties and never speak to them again. It's like the shrapnel that hits you; the aftermath. I recently divulged to my family that it really triggers me and makes me feel so unheard and small when this particular cousin comes up in candid conversation at family dinner time. They speak about him as though nothing happened and he is just a fun-loving member of the family. Thankfully he lives on the opposite end of the world for me, but the feeling of betrayal at my family's seeming indifference is heartbreaking and makes the already damaged and low self-esteem I have shatter more. Please know that you are well within you right and reason to say no to ever having to see this person again. I understand that forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the forgiven, but this person hurt you... deeply, so please do not feel obligated to engage with them. By all means, tell them what they did and how it affected you, but you owe him nothing. He owes you something he can never return. You are brave and you are lovely and no one should ever make you feel otherwise.