I believe I developed CPTSD in adulthood from being with a Covert Narcissist for 11 years. The constant emotional, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse took its toll. I really didn't know what was happening to me, and now I find myself completely drained of who I used to be. I'm unable to make decisions and I feel completely lost. The shame and confusion I feel because of the constant gas lighting and verbal battery have left me reeling. I now see that I was the perfect sitting victim for his abuse because of my childhood with a bipolar alcoholic mother. Being the oldest daughter of six children put me in a terrible position as a child having to care for her younger siblings. But alas, I had pretty much put it behind me and led a "normal" life. Getting my education, marrying a good man, and having two wonderful children. I knew that my behavior and future depended on me owning my own actions. Then, after my divorce, there was the predictable guilt and worry and a little shame as well. That's when the covert narcissist came into my life. At first, of course he was a wonderful man. It morphed into a constant barrage of Narcissistic Abuse. Look it up. It ain't pretty. Calling me a terrible mother. Beating the dog and telling me it was my fault because I didn't do what he'd ask. Firing a gun near me because I "wouldn't shut up". On and on ad nauseum. I constantly tried to please him, but there was no winning because the rules always changed. Exhausting, to say the least. There were many break ups and back together cycles over the years, and recently I had finally realized what I was dealing with and how screwed up I now am. And how vile and abusive he was. Of course, the rest of the world thinks he's "such a nice guy". (They call it "covert" narcissism for a reason) So I have finally gone no contact and gotten away from him, but still find myself in a constant state of anxiety and hyper vigilant fear of the future. Frozen in fear I call it. I have a therapist who has validated what I suspect is Complex PTSD, and we're working on my recovery. So there's my story. I joined this group as an addition to my therapy. I'm searching for all the help I can get.