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Hi there,

I just found this board today and thought I'd poke around. I have trauma from childhood-teenage years by my dad, then two years ago was assaulted by strangers, and a few days ago was assaulted again by my mom and her boyfriend. My grandmother is still alive and has been calling me everyday since then, and I also have my partner and some friends. But I'm still feeling very alone and confused. My greatest desire regarding my mom is for her to get mental health/addiction help that she needs, but I doubt she will, and to not be with her boyfriend who's also been abusive towards her. I'm stuck in this void of loving her and being hurt by her, and just feel numb.
I'm waiting for it all to hit me, to not be able to keep repeating what happened to police, and judges, and attorneys, and family, and my therapist, and friends..., to feel loss of my mom, to want to call her and know I can't. I felt horrible calling my abusive father to tell him about my abusive mother. And I feel like he's denying everything he ever did to me or my mom and saying it was all her fault. I've been staying with friends so my dad, my mom, and my mom's boyfriend don't know where I am, but I'm still scared b/c they threatened to kill me if I called the police (and I did).
I have restraining orders against my mom and her boyfriend, but said it's okay for them to contact me -- so my mom's been texting me and she's all over the place. Like this morning she was like, "Thinking of you, hope you're okay." There hasn't been a sorry at all. I mainly said she could contact me because even though she hurt me, I want to make sure she's okay.
So I've worked 49 hours this week, run around to court and police and talking to my bosses and therapy and so much... I'm waiting to crash. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel...

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