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Thank you.

I'm a bit more hopeful now but worried about some symptoms. Back when I was in therapy, that doctor who offered to give me some sessions said he believed I'm mildly bipolar becouse I mentioned having a few up's now and then when generally very depressed, and he put me on a children's dosage of bipolar meds which had little effect on me. The times I wondered about if I had been mildly manic lasted usually a few hours where my thoughts rushed, I often had trouble sleeping before getting up (high pulse even if I really felt I was tired) and felt hyper, had rushing thoughts but only felt somewhat positive (I could only feel "happy" if I'd read or watched some vid about recovery from trauma for example and felt in the moment I can actually get better) before crashing later in exhaustion. This stopped when I stopped my bulimic eating pattern. I can't remember clearly but I suspect this always happened when I'd been without food over 24 h. I'd also drink coffee or cal-free energy drinks then. I wonder also if ketosis (when body enters the fat burning stage) could also have been a cause becouse I read about how it can cause sleeping problems. I always had head aches, especially if I had just come off a huge sugar binge and began fasting.

These days I have a few days now and then when I feel a bit more energy but nothing like having thoughts rushing and that. My energy still seem to go a bit up and down. I also change between total numbness and getting very easily emotional by movies or music. My pulse feels constantly slightly higher no matter how exhausted I feel. I have alot of pains in my body, most from being so stiff and unfit but I have a weird pain in my chest with tingling sensations.

Lately I've had like milder hallucinations of those flashes when being tired and drifting asleep. It looks like when I have my eyes closed there's a small flash in my vision and I immediatelly understand I've had a hallucination. My sight is weird aside from this, everything looks flat, a bit like a tv with no channel on, sometimes a bit doubled and it's hard to read etc. I'm sure I have depersonalization becouse I sure relate to those symptoms.

No never did. Thinking its more towards abusive relationships and not childhood trauma

I wanted to make an update in this thread so that it's known that I'm not in any danger anymore. My outlook is much better now and I'm not fantasizing or concidering suicide as an option anymore. I'm much more hopeful and I don't think I'll slip out of that easily as it's clear its more in line with reality and my actual options.

I care far too much about my family to concider it ever an option now when I'm able to think a bit more. Me and mother had a long conversation and time I feel I do care about her alot and she for me. But she's a person with many flaws, and impulsive and somewhat clueless, but I think I can forgive her. Maybe she didn't know better and didn't think things through. A huge relief was that she said that aside from dyscalculia I have never shown signs of other issues. I'm still depressed and anxious and struggle with alot of existantial thoughts and depersonalization, and feeling pretty shut down as a person, but atleast I'm better. 

Thanks to everyone who commented and cared to listen and help. I'm so happy for everyone here that there's people like you.

I keep deleting my posts becouse when I read them again I think they sound crazy. I cant stop thinking my thoughts are very unusual, that Im crazy and doomed to fail. This mental pain makes me go a bit crazy with trying to escape it Im sure. I have no idea what to do to fix this.

Thank you two for validating my past! I dont know how well I can trust you but Ill try. Ive heard all about minimizing the past problems but Ive always been tempted to exaggerate it instead. Im just so worried I was just always oversensitive, which makes me feel even more pathetic, and that my problems and failures are just who I am, not really caused by serious abuse. I always struggle with this, and maybe my last bit of self esteem hangs on that this was caused my childhood trauma and I couldve been atleast a pretty normal person if not for it..

Mourningdove, Im sorry for my response to your compliment! You were being very kind but my mind started to race with self hatred. When I get a good compliment it reminds me of something very bad. Ive already managed to make a fool of myself after a few posts on the site. Im not in a good state to reply and make sense right now.

Thanks for reading. I regret posting already. Do you think my problems are in line with the abuse? I always think no one can respect me ever since my abuse werent very severe. No therapist ive had seem to have taken me seriously. It doesnt get better that i talk and look like a very meek guy. No man have ever talked to me as a fellow man, im always treated differently even by far younger guys. Im very sick of being called kind and sensitive becouse i dont think my personality is very healthy and likable. It makes people run over me. This drives me crazy, being me is a prison.

I decided to write a summary of my story if anyone wants to read. I did not bother with keeping it short. Im still confused how I could be so broken by this, so that if someone decides to read through this perhaps theres a chance theyd understand things better then i do. Thank you

Im 26m, had a father who died when i was 12 and was a farmer. Parents split at 7 and I remember yelling in the house and feeling a pain about it (probably earliest memory Ive got). Me and my sister moved between their homes. I remember this pain about it all, being around father and I had alot of anxiety and I think I got attacks of it too. I sometimes felt very spacey and had to stand still for moments, which I wonder if it was dissociation or something. Even if I was above 7 I soiled and peed my pants a few times becouse I was afraid to go to the bathroom, like I didnt have permission or something - dont understand it and Im very ashamed about it, it makes me wonder if I was a little disabled in some ways which has become an obsession today and main reason to hate myself.

Father wanted me to help out at farm and I tried to be obedient to get approval. I have not one memory of him saying anything that made me happy but I remember him being angry at me. He never hit me but would yell or ignore me when angry, and at worst grab my shirt hard by my throat and yell at me. There are some bits of information that tells me a little more about how he was as a person. Mother said he wanted to have the biggest farm in the region and it was a very important goal, but once finally achieved meant nothing. I remember him telling me that  when finished people would stop their cars to stare - I joked about that later when it was completed but he got angry, to him it was very serious. Mother revealed she was forbidden to set foot on his ground, even to drive in and drop us off so she had to stop the car on the road outside (in traffic). One time me and sister wanted to show her something and she asked and got permission while father went into the house. A min later he comes out, furious and screams she must leave now, how could she forget shes not allowed to be there. One of the few times we would do something togheter, he wanted us to rent a movie but he wanted to decide- He picked Saving Private Ryan. Im pretty sure he was pd'ed and perhaps he just saw me as a thing to make him proud. He taught me to drive big tractors and I was able to work on the fields alone like that, which I admit was thrilling but also scared if I would lose control and crash.   

I could never be a perfect child, I was very anxious and had poor self esteem (caused by environment?) but I also have dyscalculia which leads to adhd symptoms. I had a hard time remembering information and was impulsive. I remember he asked me math problems and I couldnt answer, hating myself. I have a memory thats vague of him imitating an autistic child hed seen, ridiculing him which made me very anxious about my own problems. Seeing Elton John on tv he talked about how he was gay and crazy, "gays deserve to die". He died in an accident on the farm one day.

The following years I thought mother acted strange to me. She insisted on helping me shower to prevent schampoo from getting in my eyes, and Id started to feel more private about myself and remember once covering up my private regions, which made her rage and accuse me of making her feel bad. Once when skiing togheter and learning snowboarding I saw the girl in class I liked and decided to go a bit faster and longer to impress her. When done mother was angry, "did you do that just for that girl? Did you?" I had a strong feeling I was not allowed to be intrested in girls. When sexual ed started it made me extremely anxious, almost near vomiting for some reason. In the family we had a habit of giving massages to eachother, and one time I remember feeling mother massaged me in a sexualised way- I told her to just massage on the back but once again she began touching elsewhere. I never allowed being massage again and became paranoid she was sexually intrested in me. It became hard to talk with her, even being in the same room as her, and she began ignoring me aswell. One time when sitting in a bathrobe I distinctly recall her clearly staring between my legs under the table- there could be no mistake she looked elsewhere.

In my teens I became more depressed and got problems with social anxiety and feeling inferior. I started to get physical problems like ibs, irritated eye moucus tissue, weird rashes and being tired all the time. It was so hard for me to be disciplined and determined about anything. I started to notice Id lagged behind my peers probably becouse of how scared I was for the new experiences everybody else seemed to have. My sister struggled with anorexia which was painful to see though I was pretty cut off from things anyway. 

I liked music and art but could never have any discipline to get better at it effectively, but I decided foolishly to study music. At those years I learned barely anything becouse my head started becoming so foggy and in hindsight it seemed my emotional maturity deterioated until felt utterly pathetic and totally incapable and dealing with anything life. I think I started to develop alot of avoidant pd traits. Ive also wondered if Im a little on the spectrum, if not enough to be diagnosed then still enough to feel far younger and less capable than my peers. I developed bulimia. When I lived away 1 year at 20 to study art my depression intensified and I had a few moments of audial and visual hallucinations when trying to sleep (single flash of light and angry voices). I started to make suicide plans but never got on to it, went home to mothers apartment and have lived there since crippled by depression. Ive had a few hallucinations again during these years, always when falling sleep (once woke up by "hearing" mothers angry voice though). The hallucinations have always been when Ive been intensily in emotional pain, never otherwise and its now been a long time since it happened.

I think I was/am personality disordered- no identity or personality, probably avoidant but Ive also had grandiose fantasys too, like someone with traits of narcissism/bpd. Ive been self harming. Becouse of how desperate I was for a sense of identity I started imitating different idols I had in periods. Its very embaressing to write this but I hope it can be understood. For a long time Michael Jackson was the main inspiration I tried to model my behaviour somewhat after (I was convinced after looking into things that he was innocent). I think with my own feelings of being so immature togheter with thinking there were a few similarities in our storys of abuse, I felt somehow connected to my own view of who he was. This led to me embaressing myself alot which today cause me extreme amounts of shame. I just had little ability to judge how I seemed to others. I thought that if I had this eccentric persona of being childlike Id be accepted and liked despite being so incapable of dealing with the life of being an adult. Some seemed to like me that way, somehow.

I tried regular talk-therapy, but I quit not long after I had a (now confirmed by others here) abusive untrained therapist. Ive done part-time work now and then, taking art classes to try to get out of my room some. During winter I started to feel convinced I had no future and fell into despair. I took up drinking to relax from the anxiety which spiraled out of control until I decided to quit late summer, feeling more hopeful. Again Ive had suicidal thoughts now every day and I feel cut off from life, indifferent. My brain fog has at times been so bad it became hard to speak, I felt I just cant think, no memory of my yesterdays, balance issues, visual snow, twitches, shaky muscles. Im not really bulimic anymore. Mother goes between being a bit warm to me and seeming to hate me. Not long ago she said how I made her cry as a kid becouse I could never remember anything, aswell as I should never question her as a parent becouse she is educated to work with children. I try to stop analyse people but I think she has traits of bpd.

I feel broken as a person. Ive never succeded with anything, no friends, never had a gf/intimacy and prob couldnt. I obsess about my intelligence and that Im too dumb to find happyness, achieve anything, even live independently. I dont trust any opinion I have, cant have opinions on politics, movies, anything. I question anything I think and feel unreal. I feel just empty. Somehow I cant stop reading into the uglyness about humanity: the regular occurence of regular people shouting "jump" to suicide attempters, parents who confess not being able to love their kids becouse of issues with them, like adhd etc, and I realise how harsch and cold the world is, that you can be born with a mind/problem that doom you to be unloved. Like I probably was becouse of dyscalculia/adhd. I honestly think I hate the world and dont care much for people and humanity, except my instincts to be somewhat polite remain. I dont believe company and relationships can ever feel worthwhile to me, and I wonder if I ever came to such a position, would I be tempted to be abusive becouse of my hate? Does this mean Im truly broken beyond repair, feeling everything is so empty and worthless?

Its impossible to imagine finding any worthwhile normalcy after being in this dark place. Suicidal thoughts are increasing and I cant imagine anything changing this.

http://spartanlifecoach.com/first-aid-kit-course/

Its a course by Richard Grannon. I really like his youtube videos and thought of investing in a product to get more from him.

Im thinking about buying it but Ive got to be careful with money so I thought Id check here if anyone bought it and if you think it would be a good choice. Thanks!

Like many times before Im suddenly so angry, self hating, and feel so crushed becouse I feel theres just something about me that I can never get rid of, that makes people disrespect me as a person. About 2 years ago I was in therapy and the woman I had set me up for extra sessions with a man who said he was a surgeon but enjoyed being a therapist even though he had no training. Now all my life ive been a sensitive emotional person, something Ive always hated about me, so some things he said really hurt me and has stuck with me since. When I came into puberty I felt my mother behaved sexually to me and at a few moments did things that confirmed my suspicions and this hurted me more than anything have ever done, even if I was never abused more directly. Becouse of this Ive been feeling unsure if it makes sense I was so hurt by what happened, or if anyone would ever agree im right to feel the way I do and believe in me. In therapy I felt every therapist was suspicious if I was wrong about it. This surgeon immediatelly disbelieved me and blamed me for my mothers and my problems talking with eachother. I felt like I surely couldnt trust my reality one bit. I dont know if I should be upset about this or if Im just over-sensitive. I have no idea how to decide such things. He also called me lazy which really hurt me. Ive been lazy afaik but its like Im lazy in a way that destroys my life completely even before I felt I was depressed.

Well this is me, Im just a mess inside, overthinking and I feel I have no idea what to think about anything. I feel like things arent very real. I have no idea what I want to accomplish with writing this but it did give me some small relief.

Thank you.

I'll try to take better care of myself. I've been abusing food, sugar, alcohol, quit with the drinking but still have energydrinks, candy and junk alot. Also I've decided to write down my story as I remember it. I think it would be meaningful for me to hear whatever knowledgable people have to say about what happened and my reactions to it, I'll really appreciate it.

Would it be over the top to share about my past? I don't know if it's commonly done here. I just want to hear what people think about my reactions and to feel less confused and crazy about it all.

Thank you for the replies, I appreciate it.

I don't live in USA but thanks for the thought anyway. I have started to look for a therapist however. Someone I chatted with said many problems I have right now is becouse I havent had my abuse validated...I was thinking that it would then be a good idea perhaps to have my written down memories as I remember it looked at by someone who understand these sort of things. Is this a good place you think?

Thank you for your replies. 

I've looked up thyroid problems but the blood tests I had taken during summer shows all is fine except for low vit D. The brain fog seems to be connected with stress levels, however in my teens when it became bad enough for me to notice it as a big problem I also had an eye infection, and when that healed it just never went away completely, and ever since I've had slightly irritated mucus membranes around my eyes. Since my early teens I've had IBS.

About the past, I'm confused about blaming myself or feeling maybe it's not my fault I became this messed up. When in therapy 2 years ago a therapist really didn't trust me about the past and I still have breakdowns and feel confused/shocked about it, so I'm scared of therapists and doctors.

I'll look up the symptom tracker. Right now many of my problems is probably becouse of my bad daily habits. I have supplements and know what's good to eat, if I could just stick with it.

Sorry if this message is a little disjointed, I'm having a hard time focusing. Well I just don't know how to move forward. I have suicidal thoughts at times but still the thought of going to therapy is terrifying. I just can't take it if it hurts me again.

Hi

I thought I'd join the forum as I'm certain I have C-PTSD and I was hoping I'd feel some encouragement by being connected to others in the same boat.

I'm in my mid 20's, live with my mother and have never been fit to live independently, I think, as from my late teens I've had depression, anxiety and a brain fog that built up and made it hard to learn and memorize anything. I see traits of BPD in me aswell, and for a long time now I've been struggling to have any kind of routine and productivity in my days. I'm always exhausted and the fog in my mind is sometimes so bad it's hard to even form sentences when speaking, and very hard to focus on reading and learning anything. I'm getting desperate as every time I have tried to pick myself up, ease into some knd of daily routine, it's fallen apart and I've ended up exhausted for some time.

I've had bulimia, binge-eaten, self harmed, drank heavily earlier this year for months (I've stopped completely now). When I've felt at my worst during the last 5 years I've had a few times of hallucinations when falling/waking from sleep (flashes of light and hearing my mothers voice yell at me). I have some self-help books but it feels discouraging to read when my mind just can't retain much new information, and I'll feel I won't really believe it anyway, as it's too good to be true about me. It's very hard for me to feel self worth. I somehow think that I could feel better about myself if I could be convinced that I was truly abused and that my weakness today is not at all who I was supposed to be. I'm just a mess, I don't socialize at all and every day is awful. Earlier this year for some months I was the most anxious I've ever been, and I was sure there was no escape from suicide. Since then I've had physical symptoms of shaking, twitchy movements, severe brain fog and slurry speech, but I have some hope again. Maybe I should try to write about my past as how I think it was.

Thanks for reading.