Messages

I have to take (by force if necessary) the opportunity to stand up for myself.  I have to take action.  I have to!

Forget the fears and what-if's.... just do it... NOW!

I don't have to be perfectly good all of the time, swallowing everyone's emotional bologna while choking my own.

For the first time I texted my dad; something I knew he wouldn't want to hear, about how he makes me feel unimportant.  I was panicking, pacing, nervous, scared of his reaction.  And to my surprise he acknowledged by feelings.  OMG, I almost fell over!  OH, the relief!!!!  I'm giving myself a HUGE pat on the back and high-five while dancing a jig and whistling.  It's just a baby step, but one that I've avoided for 30 years.  I'm on a pride-high now, and trying to enjoy it.

Dear ICr- Go sit in the corner and shut up!! You are the one that should be ashamed of yourself!!  And if you speak up, I'll beat your @$$!!

I don't have to address my abusers.  But I do have to address the junk leftover in my head! -- Breakthrough!

TRIGGER WARNING, maybe.

I'm on the verge of raging over this topic.  I'll try not to vent too much here, but I do need to find a good place/thread to do that safely.

Just how the heck are we supposed to "get help"

I have my own 'grudge' against Psychology/Psychiatry mostly because it has been completely USELESS in providing me with help or hope, and has simply drained my bank account, energy, and optimism.  The "system", at least in the USA, is a JOKE!  Though, not a laughable one.

Sarcasm about an actual occurrence:  I just love paying a doc $100/hr. just to have them say, "so what do you think is wrong?"

grrr! *! aren't YOU 'the professional'.  I make minimum wage and can understand that SOMETHING is wrong.  YET, you tell me that self-diagnosing is dangerous!!!!! *, MAJOR WANT TO RAGE ON YOU, DOC, THE SYSTEM, etc. moment.  But, I never say any of that, the Ndad voice in my head saying "you are wrong, behave."  (The paradox there w/ Ndad, is, well... CRAZY!!! in itself).

I logically understand that the science like many other things is fairly new (I'm older than half of the books, and I'm not that old).  It's like being the first to discover germs, but no one 'believes you' because they are invisible.  THE FRUSTRATION ALONE IS EXHAUSTING!

The frustration and hopelessness is what stirs up the *rage* feelings.  I don't rage, by classical definition, I internalize EVERYTHING!!!  Not good for my mind or body!  Sometimes, I think, "if I raged, and behaved badly, would 'they' take notice and do SOMETHING TO HELP?"  IS THAT WHAT IT TAKES TO GET SOME F-ING HELP???  Yet, I never do it, b/c bad behavior "is wrong".

On the other hand, I AM SO GLAD AND GREATFUL that I found this place!!!  I finally feel like I have some answers as to "what's wrong with you?"  Seeking 'professional' answers for probably 20 years now, and I FINALLY have a teeny tiny bit of 'hope.'  And at the same time, the thought of "it's never gonna change (at least in my lifetime)".  Once again, you'll "just have to deal with it."

I imagine a dog chasing it's own tail.... it chases itself in circles so fast and repeatedly that it eventually passes out from dizziness and exhaustion.  After some time, it finally awakes from this 'coma'.  But before it even stands up on it's feet, begins chasing it's tail again.  The cycle repeats, every day, every year, going nowhere but in circles.  The dog eventually dies from malnourishment, because it's so consumed with chasing it's own tail, that it never knew to stop for a moment to eat or drink.