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so sorry you feel unwell again. perhaps some rest away from work may be a blessing while you regain your strength , as you say you survive. So you will move forward out of this dark period in your life again
the drugs/alcohol always tempting but can get you in more trouble and aint cheap either.......
one of my therapists from years ago told me this about repeating patterns of self sabotage/abuse...
" you walk down the street , you don't see the hole in the ground and you fall in, you walk down the street the next time , see the hole and still fall in...you walk down the street next time , see the hole but walk around it",
I try to remember this when i think i'm falling into the hole again, hope it helps you
take care, stay safe and put on some music that makes your heart shine
warm thoughts peggy -sue

hey totally get the not feeling real, sometimes its like i am behind a sheet of opaque glass screaming and no one sees or hears me
i hope you and your therapist can find a way for you to connect, there are lots of exercises you can do, grounding techniques i am sure your therapist can talk to you about
i am pretty sure i suffered abuse from my father when i was pre verbal and although he is alive he has been dead to me for over 15 years
i am still very scared of him but working through it and other messed up stuff but simple stuff like enjoying autumn , photos of my new baby niece , a really good meal and my beautiful son keep me going
you are not alone, you deserve love , peace and to feel safe and although it takes time to heal, to connect your body and soul , i'm sure you will get there
surround yourself with things, people, time that feel real and good , good times are always on the way, and comfort yourself through the bad times
your mum can't hurt you anymore , you will find peace,
take care

you brave and amazing woman
chin up and keep walking tall..ditch the phone though for your own safety
keep yourself safe and surrounded by safe people
take care

hey i'm British and pretty new to all this forum stuff and only recently got CPTSD diagnosis
its good to have an international forum to share resources , knowledge and messages of hope /support
your experience with your T sounds very empowering not heard of pete Levine but will look it up, thanks
take care
TTFN

everyones advice and support has been amazing, coupled with my friends i have managed to come to the decision to rent a place for me and my boy (and our jack russell) for 6 months, its still near my son's dad and school and near my boys friends so should cause as least upset a possible
when i told my husband tonight he said i was because of PMT???
i just need space, i have been in a relationship since i was 16, always disasters with needy/self obsessed men (or souls of poets a i used to call them), who i could not wait to rescue and put on pedestals and ignore my own needs or sense of self (reenacting my mum's patterns)
I am now 43 and need a break, to find out who i am and prioritise my son
got viewing this week....wish me luck.....better days just around the corner :cheer:ps my therapist majored in narcissistic studies she is good and is clear although we all possess traits of personality disorders my family where/are narcissists and i am cptsd/human being

hi welcome, i work in MH sector and part of my role is to challenge prejudice and stigma, so i would say flip the coin if it was your physical health what would you say to your kids?
i do think its important to get guidance on age appropriate ways to explain very emotionally painful stuff but there is guidance out there...sorry i am in uk so only know whats here Childline for example and young peoples MH sites. I think its important to say we all have mental health good and bad and inbewteen just like physical and that kids have this right as much as adults from any age......
I have explained my anxiety/panic attacks to my ten year old by looking at fight or flight stuff on youtube.....and that its normal to feel unwell , but as with physical it can get better , be managed.
yes family history maybe important for your son's clinician to know, ask them?
have an imagination is a wonderful part of being human , so imaginary friends as long as you know they are , I think is fine. Did you ever see the film "Shirley Valentine" she talked to her kitchen wall everyday and got great comfort from it.
a broken heart needs the same care and attention as a broken leg, immediate care, follow up care and being mindful it will be tender or susceptible to being broken again if stressed in the same way as it broke...Does this make any sense?
at the end of the day you need to do the best for your family situation, you know your kids better than anyone, kids are very sensitive and pick up on stuff but are also very resilient....as survivors of abuse we know this all too well
talking about our mental health although scary is always better in my opinion than bottling up.
As a cache to this I would say I still find talking about my feelings very hard , so don't rush anything and as i say read up on age appropriate ways to talk to kids
i was only recently diagnosed with CPTSD and am still coming to terms with it and still very much in the storm/chaos
people so far on this forum have been extremely kind to me , so i hope you stick around and get support from here as and when you need it
be kind to yourself , you are definitely not alone
take care

i have worked for past 24 years in services for the most vulnerable, inc : mental health, homeless domestic abuse, young offenders , learning disabilities,domestic and sexual abuse services and children/teens in state care.........my therapist calls it "wounded healers"
I know my relationship is abusive and i have been abusive recently myself, i felt threatened by my husband physically and lashed out at him, i was drunk , no excuse but meant i was not in control and i regret it and was a one off, but i take responsibility for striking him, he was shaking me but i did strike him on the face with my phone, several times till he let go of my arms.
i have never raised my hand save a silly fight with another girl at school when i was 14 to anyone, my husband has grabbed , pulled me about, stood over me screaming when i have asked him to back off and i twice when he has been standing over me like that i once picked up the kettle and thrust it at him and once thrust a lit cigarette at him, in my mind i was never going to connect i just wanted him to back off. my son was not around i hasten to add. now my husband brands me a perpetrator of domestic abuse, he says this is proof i am a narcissistic. To me it was proof I was broken and acting out like my father who was very physically abusive and had to get help. I am not trying to excuse or justify my behaviour but i do know i was so shocked i knew i could not  it happen again and realised i was having a breakdown. My husband will not acknowledge his behaviour , this is why we are stuck.....but i am getting therapy he says he does not need it that he is very aware ........he is not the man i thought he was and i have no idea who i am......as always i really appreciate the support/messages it helps to know i am not alone
i hope your recovery journey is bringing you peace
its late in england now and i am watching stuff on USA elections....all i can say is WOW and goodness gracious me!
take care of yourself

virtual hugs accepted in the spirit they are sent really thank you
yeah i asked him why doesn't he leave he just says he does not want to split up, its been like this for about 4/5 years now, he says its his home, not that he does anything here .........he did leave about 3 years ago , just took a flat 5 mins down the road without discussing it, for my son's sake (as he would be staying there) i kitted it out with stuff from our then joint account and shopped for food several times, i was ok then he crept back into my life , i was lonely , weak and didn't want the same broken home i had , had for my boy , as soon as my husband moved back it was the same , i know i should have known better, been stronger, the flat quickly became a crap hole.....i.e my son told me "daddy's sink has flies in it all the time and the flat smells", but he bought an x box so his priorities were right .........well for him anyway, so he doesn't want to live in crap again, when he has a home he can use/abuse
he tells me i am just being a victim if i complain
my boy home now , going to cuddle him up and take care of him
thank you for support but i can't see away out of this right now, i just have to get stronger and stop believing in the fantasy relationship i wish i had and face up to the mess i am in, i survived my abusers when i was a kid , i can survive him , right?

i have just had to collect him from his shop, after sending abusive emails he then decides he needs a lift home as he has hurt his leg
he has hurt his leg because by choice he stayed al night at his business , on his feet and although suffers with circulation problems , has not eaten or drank or slept for nearly 48 hrs, thank god my son is at a freinds this eve, and yes like an idiot i fetched him home.....
his parting words to me as he went up to bed (stinking and babbling) was to leave the home...........
i feel so powerless i cant get him to leave , he part owns the home, my son hero worships him and thinks its normal his father is so absent (my beautiful boy is 10 years old)
i just want some peace, i have suggested selling the house and a clean break but he says he won't sign anything, tomorrow he will say he loves me and its not my fault its because i am ill and he does not blame me for causing problems/its because i am a narcissistic evil * or so he tells me I am , its ground hog day
and as i am powerless , i make the best of things , try to enjoy life with my boy and just get on with it , but i am broken this time
i have not had more than a few days  off work since my maternity leave , i am into my third week of sick leave now due to panic attacks.......i'm so lost , i just want him to take responsibility , share his life with me, but right now i hate him and i really dont want to
i just want to take my son and run

thanks for support , my therapist suggested I tell my husband how hurt i am by his absence
i have so many times but am met with vitriol and blame, but i tried again...so he response was to not come home at all
he keeps telling me its my fault tat i am a narcissist, attention seeking and have no right to point out his comes and goes as he pleases
the insults reigned down on me via email and i kept asking him to take responsibility for his share of crap in our relationship
he is not big on responsibility, i take care of finances , pay for the holidays .xmas etc.. not cause e cant but because he refuses, i am not wealthy , i have a credit card and budget like crazy......
he wont accept he dips in and out of our marriage and that perhaps me feeling so insecure was partly the cause of my affair, i am not seeking sympathy i hurt him so badly but since the txt/intenet affair he has dipped out even more and i have taken it as penance
it has made me ill...i had a breakdown 3 weeks ago
my husband sends me pages and pages of stuff on personality disorder/narcissism and being a psychopath , its relentless, pages and pages of it followed by "humorous" quotes about how stupid and thick i am, then writes "I love you" at the end of the email.
we been together 20 years and he has accused me of affairs before, once because i got locked in a toilet(could not open the door) in a baer and when I finally got free and came back to him he said I was screwing some guy in the toilet, REALLY while he was mins away..I let it go then he accused me of seeing a volunteer I worked with at a homeless project.....just cause i was helping him...he has accused me of being a slut all our relationship and i have pacified him and then i did it...so proved him right
my therapist whom i know unless i am brutally honest with will be a waste of time says I have CPTSD, abuse in childhood ,neglect, and the same in adolescence. I need to be taking care of people or i feel nothing , i f i try and stand up for myself with my husband he destroys me , he is very clever , so i shut up, i wish i had not opened my mouth again.......as he is yet again laughing at me and i am left at home alone
i am going to curl up and watch a film and pretend he does not exist, he wont leave i have asked him to , why would he , jhe has everything he needs , food , clothes ,a clean home , son taken care of and the bills paid , he has his own business and own life.....
i dont want to think he is also one in a long line of abusers in my life , but i think he is

hey i am new to this forum lark too but it seems a good safe place
staying in my body is too a challenge and i too have kept so busy for so long i dd not notice i had crashed till i burned out
glad you got good therapist and are taking time to heal
its a stormy/rough journey but worth the trials and tribulation to reclaim yourself
take care of you
peggy sue

my husband sleeps downstairs sometimes/falls asleep downstairs/stays up all night gaming/working/social media. It happens a couple times a week, way more a few months ago when we where really arguing .
he says its not rejection, that i should just accept it/chill out, that its just something he does
this morning he came to bed about at nearly 6 am, i woke we cuddled said some nice things to each other but u started to panic and feel unsafe, i told him so, he responded with words of comfort, we talked a bit about sex , about feeling physically close. I cant have sex right now. For years I have been so split off from my body I can only have sex in a role play scenario/under he influence of alcohol.
I never used to be like this with my husband, but about 5 years ago I had an affair. An internet/txt thing with a work colleague but i would have taken it and wanted to take it further but the guy would not. My husband found an explicit email from him and all went to *........I handled the whole thing really badly. I panicked and instead of telling the truth , that I had felt so rejected in our marriage (my husband I believe had become addicted to social media/was not present in our relationship at the time) that I had sought comfort in a fantasy and believed the fantasy and had done very very wrong indeed . NOT that I am not taking responsibility for my actions or was remorseful, still am always will be. It was my choice to have the affair and I am forever sorry I hurt my husband and wrecked our marriage. I am trying to understand WHY I did that? why did i behave just like my parents when I thought I was better than that, knew better than that, had seen the dysfunctional and hurtful relationship they had, the way they abused each other, abused me and my brother, blamed us/each other. How did i fall into that abyss? We did split up for a few months, he left the family home, i begged him not to i was crushed but it was more peaceful.......this was a couple of years ago and its taken this long to see i am acting out childhood stuff. That I am no way as healed and "over it" as I thought.
Back to this morning...so after a while of talking in bed , I start to feel very tense and then angry he has woken me up, i have to get up in an hour to get our son ready for school etc...I tell him I am wide awake and want to get up, he says he has not washed up like he said he would , i say i will do it as he never does it, he gets up angry goes downstairs washes up and leaves for work , very early. I lie in bed thinking i have just made him leave i have just sabotaged my life again. I am exhausted . I get up , I go to him in the kitchen but its like ice between us, i say sorry i upset you. He says he going to work and for me to have a good day. I feel like crap. I just want to be happy with him. I love him , he is a decent person but i am going to loose him for sure. Why doesn't he come to dam bed or moreover why cant I accept he doesn't and it doesn't matter??  I just feel so insular and lonely .

hey glad i found this site via ootf site
i have just recently been diagnosed 3 weeks ago with CPTSD
Its sexual, physical, emotional, psychological and financial abuse throughout childhood and adolescence.
I have been with my husband 20 years and did not realise i was unwell mentally getting steadily worse for past 4/5 years. Our marriage has gone through miserable and the worst times. Its only now i am just exploring how messed up I am
The anxiety has been disabling , I don't remember being this scared in all my life, except I guess as a child but i learnt to split from my body to cope. The way my senses are all over the place eaves me choked an numb at times then hyper sensitive/hyper sense of reality at other times.
I am totally drained but strongly believe I cant let "them" win.....them being the self feelings of hatred , the sabotaging bombs I throw on my life, the sense of wanting to disappear and the splitting into different characters to please others , or how i perceive i should please and those monsters who abused me......
I am incredibly lucky i still have my husband by me and great friends and a beautiful kid who is my sunshine
I just want to be able to reconnect to my body and feel safe aain and an adult.
Lots to deal with and very terrified, feel sick writing this to be honest and beginning to panic so got to go
take care of yourself reader
TTFN