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Welcome Warrior I'm glad you have found this site, there is much to benefit from here, validation inspiration and company with some exceptional people to name just a few. There is a lot of information to help you on your way through recovery.

It is now time to start loving yourself, 

Thank you Slow river for posting, I do that too and have never associated it to dissociation before. Its so obviously is and I can't believe I didn't realise. 

the fact that I still have a sense of humour (even though sometimes its on holiday).

sorry..... I cant work these smileys out!

Hi Candid, I am so sorry to hear your in a dark place today, and I appreciate you sharing your experience. Its a ridiculous situation having to wait so long for real help isn't it?

I too find it difficult to talk to people, I want to be a full participant in conversation but I'm not there yet. I have to admit though the more you try the easier it gets.

I hope tomorrow brings an easier day. http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/Smileys/classic/hug.gif

Hi.... I have been away from the site for a year now, its well past time I checked in. It has been a productive year.
so, a year ago I didn't think I was going to get through this. I had lost my Mother and Father then to top it off the only friend I had left went and died on me too. I was alone ( with grown up children who needed me to be the grown up with their problems), and in a bad place.

I had what they are calling a psychotic episode. To tell the truth it felt just like an incredibly bad emotional flashback to me.  However, what ever it was it served a purpose. It got me help I very much needed.

In my previous attempts the only help I had received from the doctors was anti depressants and a link on the internet which didn't work. I found out of the fog by accident. That led me to Out of the storm which led me to Pete Walker. amen.

Since the 'episode' I have had a psychiatrist and for awhile I had a psychiatric nurse. I have been promised a psychologist but here with the NHS I have to wait 2 years. My nurse fell pregnant and she hasn't been replaced. Its a shame because she has done the most to help me.

I can in spurts open my mail. You wouldn't believe what an achievement that still feels, And she has managed to change my habits for the better as in going to things I enjoy doing, I have made new friends. She borrowed my surviving to thriving and failed to return it..... I can only hope that's a positive thing.

I am on olanzapine for the episode due to be weaned off any time soon. This leaves me with a sense of panic. What if I go back to the symptoms I had before? These days I feel so calm, relaxed. I have only had a few minor flashbacks I haven't been dissociating.... I love 'how' I am. To make things worse, people are commenting that I'm so much nicer to talk to since I had the episode.....

My psychiatrist says its all me..... I wont notice the missing pill. I'm a bit more realistic than that. Its gonna take effort to maintain progress.......

Im still searching for things that work for me but thought I would share something that back fired on me seeing as others have mentioned it as a good thing. During an EF I took my dog for a long walk as its something that normally I find relaxing. I live in forestry country and whilst walking got lost in my thoughts...memories....and before I knew it I was lost for real in a massive forest where all the tracks and trees look the same! I was lucky my dog knew the way home....but the panic of being lost as an adult whilst feeling as lost as a child was something I never want to happen again....so please stick to places you know if walking.... <3

Warringmind.....I totally relate. For me its all about the conditioning of childhood.....I was constantly shut down from expressing how I felt with statements about attention seeking....whinging whining telling tales.....to talk about how I actually 'feel' is almost impossible. I am not used to anyone wanting to hear 'how I feel' yet I can talk about the price of fish for hours. I have also had trouble writing the thoughts on paper as I feel it makes me look even more messed up than I am. Scattered even. I have started to talk to my doctor and therapist as if I am talking about someone else....it seems to work for me because once I begin it makes it easier and without making a conscience decision about it suddenly find myself using the word 'I'.
When Im alone and troubled by flashbacks depression anxiety it lasts longer and is more frightening than if there is a supportive person to talk about it to. Once you find away to start letting it out Im sure you will be surprised at how badly you wanted to talk about it all along. 
 

Well I have discovered that its not ever been done...

But we can train/have Assistance dogs and that they can be trained to respond to our fear episodes. They can help us in many ways.

There is no reason that we can not use the techniques used on fear issues for dogs on ourselves by the use of reconditioning our thought processes. Its a question of how. Its a bit more complicated than a dog. Where as its easy to keep a dog away from the moments that trigger him, and work him in slowly at his pace by teaching him ways to help him cope....we don't have that option for us. The demands of life throw us in the deep end immediately without warning....for me anyway.

So there we have it. My Doctor says.....yes yes but Im not hearing the words....me first. lol.

Point taken.   

So head down and back to work .... on me 

Im wondering now If those who also have themselves abused dogs in their household....can you now please consider that your dog is more than just a faithful companion and that he is maybe trying to help you as you have helped him.....and observe for signs of his compassion at your 'trigger moments'. It will/would be interesting to know what other behaviours present themselves in the dogs .... my dogs yapping can be moulded into gently nosing me if I prefer..... some other possibilities that you may not have noticed before...... your dog or dogs running around you in an excited state of arousal...possibly mistaken for 'play with me'....basically attention seeking.

Positive Reinforcement for those who haven't had any exposure to.... relies heavily on the individual (dog world speak.....handler) making a 'connection' with the dog cat chicken any sentient being...... born out of trust and compassion, and then the entity will do anything that they are required to do based on free will, knowing that he will be rewarded with something good at the end of.

Its powerful stuff....and to do it properly requires you to examine body language of both the dog and yourself. Knowing that you effect each other in your reactions.

Unfortunately for me I didn't view the situation as I was an issue.... at the time when rehabbing my dog, but I did notice that my body language never matched the words that came out of my mouth. This would mean the dog would do the opposite of what I wanted her to do because dogs are particularly in tune with body language.

Its 'ethos' for the rehab of the abused and fearful dogs, is to slowly at the dogs pace build up his/her coping mechanism to the factors which trigger fear episodes. This is achieved by changing the association into a more pleasing experience via the use of food, favourite toy or praise/love. I guess in our case....we would have to suffice with a self reward of a snoopy dance or something something that makes us smile a real smile without fail.

Positive reinforcement like I say ....works on chickens even lol! whales..... so why not us?

Im glad others find this interesting.....I was scared to mention it....but wow....talk about reinforcement! Ok .... I have spoken to an assistance dog trainer and she says there is lots a dog can be trained to do to help us....so watch this space. As the info comes in I will put it up here! And its all pos reinforcement!

There is something that is worded as though the dog gives us a deep pressure massage......anyone else suddenly got their ears pricked up? (IM LOVING THAT THOUGHT)

More than anything she now brings me peace of mind. The DIDs terrify me. The range of possibilities that could happen whilst Im on lights out nobodies home...but my girl is mostly always with me....I can relax about it because I know she has my back and will bring me back home. I don't have to work so hard to stay focused. And yummiest of it all is she always loves me. Makes me feel worthy of that love.

If all else fails folks at least we have natural tendencies for philosophy and Health and Safety! Our minds get to run riots in H+S 

Hey Kizzie

Im only just figuring this all out myself....but......my dog was abused I myself rescued her from an impossible life. I couldn't just walk away.. I took her through the pos reinforcement training over the 3 years that my flashbacks etc started. Just what seemed like out of the blue she started showing a fear of getting in the car. I thought it was a brake issue. It got out of hand....she really objected more and more. I started leaving her at home more....had the brakes fixed everything replaced....still objected.

Next she started yapping in a high pitched voice....which always startles me and I feel angry at her. Tell her to stop. I knew she was communicating something but I had no idea what.

Then my daughter started to notice that I was dipping out and looking frightened....

I started to notice that quite often when she yaps at me Im pacing madly in circles dazed.....

So just recently intrigued by a question put by a dog trainer regarding if fear could be reinforced.....it got me thinking.

So I checked out the next time she was yapping and Im totally not aware of anything until I hear her yap.....it brings me back to the present. When I then got down to her level she immediately made forehead to forehead contact..... and it was pure magic.....but I like dogs.

So I traced it all back. There was a time I was out on a dog walk and I must have 'disappeared down the rabbit hole' because I suddenly did not have any idea where I was. I was as scared as any child who is so lost but not quite bawling. No lie she took me by the hand.... teeth holding me gently and firmly and made me follow her and did not let go until I was more relaxed....

Lots of little things that all point in the same direction.

So tonight I have done some further investigating, and found one interesting lady on facebook via dog leads.... (no pun intended....) who has figured this out already. I haven't yet formulated what I want to ask her yet.... but she definitely knows its therapy and has an interesting programme going on...

Its called the k9 dog project if anyone else is interested.

Thought somebody might be interested....

There is a surprising link between the fear issues we all experience and the fear issues a dog displays when the dog has been abused.

There is also a link between the therapy that helps us and a the new form of training called positive reinforcement....

There are many benefits to mutual healing....based on understanding one another.... fear is universal after all.

Food for thought any road..... <3 (it was my dog who alerted me to the fact I was having DID's  )

Hello to you DoT
Please excuse any stupid typos I have the after math of migraine ......lucky me. I totally get where you are right now....Im new here too and still coming to terms with it all. About the meds.... I guess its one of my fear issues but I have a massive thing about meds too.....I cant cope with being out of control of myself. It leads to trouble in my experience.
The doctors have been well aware of this but when they ask how I am in myself.....not going into details on the trials of my adult life....we have talked about my depression and I always said....nah I'll be fine. I'll get over it. Refusing meds.
I did notice that I stopped 'feeling' life. I translated that as I needed to head for the hills and have some alone time.....I convinced myself I hated people....surrounded by snakes in the grass lol. And I killed more time. It took me by surprise when my fear escalated to the point where I was frozen. At which point I was begging for meds. I couldn't string a sentence together and I couldn't walk out my door. That's no life at all.
Im not trying to scare you and say this could happen to you because I don't know if it could or not....but here is my tale of the meds.....
They told me it would take time before they took any effect and I sat in my armchair for almost a month waiting to take a trip to fairyland....and it never happened. I actually felt a little let down
All it did was take the edge off of my stress and fear so that things felt easier. My body feels pleasure even happy on occasions and at Christmas I was bopping with the rest of them for the first time in 10 years! I call that freeing the creative energy
So ... rest assured they wont let you disappear into a haze...
Hang in there....