Messages

Thank you sanmagic.
I wish my parents had the same view as you do! They are mad at me but claiming they're not.. I'm dreading going home today. I'm trying to prepare myself for the shaming and blaming and yelling and guilt tripping that I'm gonna get in a few hours  uuuugggggggghhhhhhh I don't want to go back!
On the bright side, only 43 days til I move out and start no contact.
Thanks for reading San 

I have needs and wants that are legitimate. 

you do.
I'm sorry my mind is fuzzy and I can't think of the right response, but I wanted to let you know you were heard.

Hi everyone

It's been so long since I posted last.. I miss you all and think about you!

So this week my family is out of town, but, major victory for me, I stayed home. I worked everything out even though they made it so hard. I found a place to stay and a car to borrow.

Last night though as I was pulling out of work I totalled the car I was borrowing I'm fine, but the car is unrepairable. As you can imagine, my inner critic is having the time if her life.
Telling me how of course I managed to destroy someone else's car, maybe your parents were right about not letting you drive, you're so stupid, you get one week of total freedom and you ruin it and have to pay all kinds if things from the money you were saving to move out.


I'm trying to keep the opinion that my coworkers and friends have that the car doesn't matter, I'm lucky I'm ok. But something tells me when my parents find out they're going to care more about their insurance premium going up. Not that's that's unexpected or anything. -_-

I'm trying to tell myself that it's not completely my fault, that there were trees and it was somewhat of a blind turn and that my parents didn't prepare me well enough. But deep down the voice is saying no you're just stupid.

I need to show them same compassion for myself as I would for any one else..

This post is all over the place.

I have to go into court next week to find out how much I'll have to pay for my citation. That's terrifying to me.

I'm out of words now. Thanks for reading

Hi everyone

It's been a few weeks since I got on.. my semester in college ended and now I'm working full time. I miss all of you, and think about you all almost daily!  But there's this thing where I'm afraid to get on at home, in case F is watching or like, can see my internet history... so yeah. I'm still here and I'll be back, but an going to be pretty quiet.
Just want to let you all know I care about you 

1) Finals are almost over
2) read a good article on codependency
3) ... hopefully another one is coming later today

Your truth DOES deserve a voice, Elphanigh. I really hope that EMDR is helpful for you and can bring some relief

That's awesome. Blackbird! Feeling so happy for you! That's great that you are going to see a trauma therapist  and I'm glad you have a friend that understands. That trust and understanding IS rare. I'm so glad you're getting that support and validation from your friend and your therapist.

I have this feeling of relief and sorrow at the same time, like I'm finally being listened to after years and years of anger for not being understood. The sorrow comes from the inner child that still doesn't know how to process what happened when I was a child.

This really spoke to me. I get that sorrow too, whenever someone listens to me or is validating. I just want to cry and ask them to take care of me and never leave me...which i know isn't gonna work, but like you said it's little joyful crying for the attention and listening she never got.

All of the fireworks and cheerleaders and support from you all made me smile 
Thanks everyone 

Hmmm... Sorry I'm just trying to figure this out ...
What you said about revealing flaws about themselves kinda hit home... I've heard him deprecate other people's marriages with less of a gap!
Sorry lol I promise i'm not obsessed with this, just super confused and have no one where else to get it out

Hi Slow River!
Like everyone else, I completely relate to what you've said. In my family there was TONS of emotional manipulation, overt and covert (i think those are the terms lol..) there was unhealthy amounts of control, and enmeshment.
even as I write that I can hear myself saying "that doesn't sound very bad at all..."  I don't know how to describe it to capture how bad it really was, but I feel like I can get a better sense of it by describing the effect it's had on me.
One thing I try to remember is if someone told me their story, i would never say "that's nothing! you're just being oversensitive!" I'd understand. I would know that seemingly small things are so damaging.
Pretty much, ANY and ALL abuse is abuse. I feel like everyone for the most part says things like "oh it was just emotional abuse", or "they only hit me once or twice, nothing that bad."
This reply has gone all over the place... but to try to sum it up: Honor yourself and your story, just like how you'd honor someone else's.
Sorry if that made no sense... 

texannurse,
I wish I did! That's so hard, when we get flashback-ed and don't have time to deal with it properly or show ourselves the compassion we need.
Could you maybe take five or ten minutes, go in a bathroom stall and just write out everything on your mind, type it into your phone or whatever? Then at least it clears the space in your head, and you can go back to it when you feel ready and have sufficient time?
I'm sorry that's not more helpful... 

I'm stumped. 

Yeah me too...

I'm so excited, in the fall i'm moving out of toxic parents' house!!!  I signed the lease yesterday and have my move-in date late August. It's a huge step for me, cuz now I can focus on healing instead of keeping my head above water as more abuse is piled on each day. the hard part will be maintaining boundaries... i need to go LC but will be severely guilted into coming "home" as often as possible. trying to prepare myself now...

I couldn't allow myself to put my hand in the bowl, as I knew it would help me to feel better.  I avoided it!  I have gone for years avoiding things that provide me comfort and peace.

I do the same thing! I know something will help me and I deliberately avoid it! Trying to stop doing it and not perpetuate my own victim mentality...

I was highly critisized and forbidden to show any anger whatsoever.

In my book at least, that is abuse. Just my opinion though

i also have many of the same symptoms that you do, because of the emotional abuse of my past.
Be kind to yourself as you're realizing these things and their potential causes. It can hurt so badly, but I believe that processing is better than living in survival mode or denial.
Take care of YOU