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Hi, y'all,

C-PTSD ain't for the faint of heart!  I feel like it's two steps forward and three back.  Group hug.  Deep breath.   

I can go along pretty good for a while and then something (usually minor) will happen and I really blow it up in my mind with the very worst scenario possible.  My rational (ish) brain knows all is well, but my body reacts in sheer terror.  If I am not careful shame creeps in and just perpetuates any trauma I am feeling. 

I am doing tapping (emotional freedom technique) and craniosacral therapy which is helping. I try to eat well, supplement and practice self care, but there are times this is almost debilitating. 

Does anyone else experience similar? (I really hope not!!). But, if so, how do you cope?

Thanks.  Bless ~~ 

Hello,

In brief, I am the oldest daughter (scapegoat) of a BPD/N tendencies mother.  I believed for a number of years that I was responsible for her and never let her take the consequences of her (horrible) actions.  A few years ago, I began noticing her pattern of making enemies (always their fault), negative thinking, milking me for personal information, and other N traits, so I backed off from a formerly enmeshed place with her.  Now, she has beginning dementia and has crossed too many boundaries to count so I went NC five months ago.

However, those few years ago, I went from one day being very productive, creative, outgoing to being lethargic, stymied and hermit-like.  I just felt the weight of it all very suddenly and became almost incapacitated.  I have not recovered to my former state and may not -- perhaps the former state was a state of busy-ness to avoid dealing?  IDK.  Anyway, I am working in earnest to heal, especially now that I'm NC and able for the first time in my life to let mom deal w her consequences (even to the point of her homelessness).  I would appreciate your insights and opinions as to what has been especially helpful to you in your healing or healing-in-progress. 

Thank you in advance!  All best ~~

Good morning, all,

I am struggling mightily, especially at work.  First, it is a stressful job (hospice).  Second, the work culture is quite passive-aggressive, from the top down.  Third, I am dealing with my C-PTSD mightily right now because my self-care has faltered and my NPD mom (with whom I'm NC) is in a homeless shelter and my FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) is kicking in.  Symptoms range from heart palpitations, panic attacks, blurred vision, dizziness, stomach upset, high blood pressure, headache, etc. to the ones that scare me more -- some paranoia, depression, and isolationism.  I don't feel like I can talk to anyone at work.  I do have a supportive DH and three great sons, but they don't quite know what to say and I can see that.  Everyday I am pretending to be fine and I am not fine.

I want so much to rest and heal and grieve and I can't seem to make the time or find the space to do that. 

Thanks for being a place of understanding, where I can just type this stuff out.  That in itself helps. 

xoxox



 

Hey y'all,

I have been a more frequent poster on the OOTF sister site because I've been trying to figure out my NPD mom.  Wow!  OOTF has been a lifesaver, truly.  I'm about six weeks NC with mom and overall feel much relief.  Now, to look at me a little more.

I've resisted the C-PTSD label because -- well, did I really suffer enough abuse to warrant it?  I mean, I had some really happy childhood times.  Am I overreacting to my mom's treatment of me?  Intellectually, I know I did suffer enough and I am not overreacting, but it's still kind of hard to realize.  Honestly, I think most happy memories were times where I did have some control and chose happiness -- or at least peace.  Somehow, I have always been an optimistic person.  I remember asking my mom if I was adopted -- I was certain that I had been.  What else could explain her dislike of me?  My very different views on everything?  My not fitting in with any family?

While growing up, my mom gaslighted me, physically abused me, was sexually provocative around me, sabotaged me, turned other family members against me, was jealous that my dad liked me, and was just freaky unpredictable.  Coming home from school, I never knew whether I'd get slapped or hugged.  I told myself it wasn't that bad.  Now that I am a mom, I see how awful that was.  I would be horrified if someone treated my kids that way.

Over the years, I built up coping mechanisms.  We lived in a national forest and I spent hours upon hours in the woods each day.  That saved my life, really.  Even though my dad was an enabler for mom, he was good to me and kindhearted.  That helped.  I told myself I was strong -- I could deal with my mom.  Really, all I did was internalize and put on a tough act.  In my 40s, I began experiencing severe anxiety attacks, new phobias, and an inability to "deal" with stress.  Believe it or not, it was at the same time my then-widowed NPD mom began going further downhill and I asked her to move in with us (me, hubs, three teen boys).  I still had some savior complex going on.  I see now it was my last ditch effort at trying to have a relationship with her.

That was a colossal mistake.   

Six months after she moved in, after loads of boundary issues, anger issues, etc., she telephoned the police to tell them we had been abusing her!  Now, she had a record with the police (calling on all her neighbors at various times for imagined slights) and we live in a small community, so the police called me at work to ask what to do.  Really, police?!    LOL.  Anyway, I was able to secure help from an eldercare advocate, get mom some psychiatric hospital time and placed into a personal care home (where she has independence but help with laundry and meds).  It is a lovely place and she is safe and cared for.

In early November, NPD mom, who has never faced consequences (mostly because I covered for her), made threats against my husband that warranted her caregiver take her to ER.  I went No Contact with my mom afterward.

Overall, it has been like I've been let out of prison.  I can breathe deeply for the first time in my 48 years.  Now, I have rough days -- especially with holidays -- but I have given myself permission not to take on her emotional stuff anymore.  Before, I never realized I could opt out.  Talk about a burden!!

But, as I look at myself, I see I have more personal work to do.  I am hypervigilant, waiting to see what bad thing can happen.  I dissociate when under stress.  I have never felt grounded, or sometimes, even real.  I am prone to emotional eating -- easier to stuff those feels down with food.  I currently use Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to stay in the present, body work (yoga and chiropractic) to try to inhabit my body, writing, gardening, and good foods/supplements to take care of myself.  My biggest and most troubling symptom right now is a very big spike in blood pressure/heart rate when the possibility of contact with my NPD mom arises.  I feel awful -- like I will pass out.  It's not even something I think about; it just happens -- a learned response, but a dang powerful one.  I want to get to the point that if I saw my mom at the grocery I would not faint. 

Anyway, that's a wee bit about where I am.  I look forward to learning more about how to help myself and about your successes.

Hugs and blessings ~~

I came to this site as someone who is experiencing very strong CPTSD symptoms from childhood abuse.  I also come as a poet, mystic and person learning to mother myself.  I *also* come as a HSP who intimately, strongly feels the planet's distress.  Your writing really resonates layers-deep; I printed a copy to ponder.  Later today, I hope to spend time in my white pine thicket thinking, writing, and letting nature work her magic as I breathe deeply.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for the seeds they have planted in my own heart and mind.