Hello
I am a recovering alcoholic in AA. 12 years in recovery (since i was 21) with 9 years sobriety.
A few years ago I found some medical reports from when I was 6 years old. In them there were letters between 2 specialists unable to agree whether I had PTSD or not. The main argument against was that I was too young. However they agreed about the severe trauma and other things I don't really want to mention.
From 7 to 21 years old I used alcohol, almost daily. I got away with it for many years. It was my solution for the past and the tool that helped me keep going.
When I was 19 I had been seeing a psychiatrist at my university student health Centre and it was there I first heard her describe my PTSD as chronic or complex ... she had just been to some workshop or something but she said there was nothing officially in the literature to give it a formal diagnosis.
AA did for me what nothing else ever could before. I actually finally was able to escape the nightmares and most flashbacks. But there are things I cannot grasp that have left me in a place where I know I will drink again. I can't start again. I wouldn't even want to try to drink like a healthy person anyway. But for me it is always a disaster no matter how hard I try to control it.
I don't like whining about my past. I don't like talking about it at all actually. I have many relationships, inside and outside the rooms of AA where I know intimate and very personal details about others... people who describe me as a close and trusted friend. People who don't know anything about me. Or at least not much.
I've heard in some parts of the world AA is super religious.... well that's not the case where I live however the spiritual component (not religious) is very strong. Problem is that I cannot trust others, trust a Greater power or trust myself. My value is measured in how many things I take care of or my work or whatever. Without my job, mortgage, husband and animals... I wouldn't have any value. Or I don't see it.
I struggle in my marriage because I can't talk. It's like my throat closes and I panic when I feel forced to try to give answers as to how I am feeling. I don't know how I feel. I don't think about it. I don't have the words.
In AA I can relate to the behaviour around active alcoholism. I can sort of relate when I hear folk share a little of trauma they have experienced. But in the few occasions I have shared just some of my own... I have had some major over reactions... people crying for me or feeling bad or whatever. I don't need that crap. I have had some not believe my story. Whatever. One of them went as far as looking up court records and newspaper stories. She then made a tearful amends to me. I didn't even know she thought I was lying or making it all up.
Then you get the eejits who tell you to write a book or movie. Why do that if the audience cannot relate? If your situation is so unusual that it may as well be imaginary?
I don't know what I'm trying to do here. I've been beaten, abused, neglected abandoned whatever. I've experienced and witnessed things I don't want to share. Whatever.
But I don't have anyone who can relate to my first major traumatic event.
If anyone else has experienced being kidnapped as a child I guess I would really appreciate maybe a message. Not really sure an open board discussion is appropriate.
Or if anyone else in recovery from addiction/alcoholism has had struggles trying to have faith and trust in a loving higher power/spiritual entity I would appreciate a message.
Anyway, I don't know. I've spent my entire sobriety trying to run from C-PTSD. I know the 12 steps have helped me so much but I'm stuck and I know if I can't grow I will drink again and I don't want to.
Thanks for listening folks and thank you for sharing too
I am a recovering alcoholic in AA. 12 years in recovery (since i was 21) with 9 years sobriety.
A few years ago I found some medical reports from when I was 6 years old. In them there were letters between 2 specialists unable to agree whether I had PTSD or not. The main argument against was that I was too young. However they agreed about the severe trauma and other things I don't really want to mention.
From 7 to 21 years old I used alcohol, almost daily. I got away with it for many years. It was my solution for the past and the tool that helped me keep going.
When I was 19 I had been seeing a psychiatrist at my university student health Centre and it was there I first heard her describe my PTSD as chronic or complex ... she had just been to some workshop or something but she said there was nothing officially in the literature to give it a formal diagnosis.
AA did for me what nothing else ever could before. I actually finally was able to escape the nightmares and most flashbacks. But there are things I cannot grasp that have left me in a place where I know I will drink again. I can't start again. I wouldn't even want to try to drink like a healthy person anyway. But for me it is always a disaster no matter how hard I try to control it.
I don't like whining about my past. I don't like talking about it at all actually. I have many relationships, inside and outside the rooms of AA where I know intimate and very personal details about others... people who describe me as a close and trusted friend. People who don't know anything about me. Or at least not much.
I've heard in some parts of the world AA is super religious.... well that's not the case where I live however the spiritual component (not religious) is very strong. Problem is that I cannot trust others, trust a Greater power or trust myself. My value is measured in how many things I take care of or my work or whatever. Without my job, mortgage, husband and animals... I wouldn't have any value. Or I don't see it.
I struggle in my marriage because I can't talk. It's like my throat closes and I panic when I feel forced to try to give answers as to how I am feeling. I don't know how I feel. I don't think about it. I don't have the words.
In AA I can relate to the behaviour around active alcoholism. I can sort of relate when I hear folk share a little of trauma they have experienced. But in the few occasions I have shared just some of my own... I have had some major over reactions... people crying for me or feeling bad or whatever. I don't need that crap. I have had some not believe my story. Whatever. One of them went as far as looking up court records and newspaper stories. She then made a tearful amends to me. I didn't even know she thought I was lying or making it all up.
Then you get the eejits who tell you to write a book or movie. Why do that if the audience cannot relate? If your situation is so unusual that it may as well be imaginary?
I don't know what I'm trying to do here. I've been beaten, abused, neglected abandoned whatever. I've experienced and witnessed things I don't want to share. Whatever.
But I don't have anyone who can relate to my first major traumatic event.
If anyone else has experienced being kidnapped as a child I guess I would really appreciate maybe a message. Not really sure an open board discussion is appropriate.
Or if anyone else in recovery from addiction/alcoholism has had struggles trying to have faith and trust in a loving higher power/spiritual entity I would appreciate a message.
Anyway, I don't know. I've spent my entire sobriety trying to run from C-PTSD. I know the 12 steps have helped me so much but I'm stuck and I know if I can't grow I will drink again and I don't want to.
Thanks for listening folks and thank you for sharing too