Messages

Thanks for the support.

It's sometimes hard to accept and understand the fact you're not alone although you may feel from Melmac. I'm happy to think I may not be an alien creature alone on this planet given some of my experience and how I've learned to adapt/think about it.

The disassociation and fear if you're hurting others with listening or anger issues alongside the new/old feelings which are becoming more valid is difficult at best.

I'm definitely going to utilize the resources you provided and have a nice listen to the audio books. That definitely makes it easier to access and provides less reason for avoidance.

I'll take the opportunity to bring up these issues I'm now struggling with to my psych. Luckily I have a phone appointment on Tuesday along with group where I have access to another T to address my feeling of need for more care. Meanwhile, I'll try to buckle down and plow through with more guided meditations.

Sometimes it's challenging to feel like you have space/time to do that especially now that the crisis mode seems to be the overwhelming majority of the time, despite the removal of many pressure's I've previously given myself.

Thanks
Professional Uncle's Uncle

*trigger warning*

Life has felt like one crisis after another with fate's absurd roll of the dice - whether it be landing a mentally ill and unstable parent, overcoming childhood cancer, or taking care of that parent after traumatic brain injury/stroke and having to exit university with the loans but no degree.

In my 20's I thought I had better leave the past in the past because I didn't want to be defined by it. Eventually, I cut ties with FOO to get away from the blaming, cruelty and gas-lighting and thought, "Hey- I'm really demonstrating self-compassion." Then I realized that my diligence and naivety to want something better for myself actually led others to understand they can exploit me. *, I'll work myself into the ground to gain their approval and if I ever fail them they can shame me easily and make me go away to self-destruct until I can pick up the shattered pieces.

During this entire time I kept wondering when my life would actually start. Was this it?

And who am I? An automation of myself that lives to work to fill the void of my actual self-esteem? What does it all mean?

Is this it?

Then I found a guy and felt like I was happy for a while. We married. Bought a house. Did the things. And it was fun.... until work and the existential question of what am I doing with my life and why do I attract bullies like a moth to a flame came up again. My freeze takes over where I can't confront it and feel powerless to make it stop. I let it ruin a promotion and it then that turned into anxiety and depression - something I didn't know had such a hold of me until 2 years later. Meanwhile, my husband was the victim of my panicked thoughts and feelings.

After another negative experience at work I had to quit. So, my job is going to therapy full-time now... (and at Kaiser that means groups 1x/wk and T 1x/month). Those feelings that I decided I wanted to ditch are coming up and I'm actually aware (for the first time) of the symptoms of CPTSD. Ignorance felt better.

All of it along with the feeling is freaking me out and the overwhelming sense of panic I have on an on-going regular basis. I suppose metaphorically I feel like I could actually break. Can minds do that? I don't know.

I'm screaming on the inside and trying to be patient waiting for my next therapy session but feel desperate. I'm trying to do the meditation and work but the overwhelming sense of panic is taking over and my drinking has gone up to cope and actually allow me to sleep.

This type of care I'm getting doesn't feel adequate. The fragility of my feelings and sense of self or self-esteem is really making me feel like I need in-patient care or something more. When I talk about my feelings to my husband - he seems frustrated because I think it's too much all the time for him. After all, he isn't my therapist. This makes me feel alone and scared, especially with the intense feelings of terrified fight/flight sheer and unbridled panic I have most of the time now because I'm not comfortable with how I felt in my past.

* should I do :*(