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Thank you everyone for your responses.  They are very much appreciated.  I have notes ready to use, but the test will be seeing if I have the courage to use them.  Or if I feel too uncomfortable for needing them.

I do prefer to be asked questions - so that is something to be mindful about and bring up.  I also like to know my therapist opinion, but she rarely gives it. 

I have been seeing my therapist for almost a year and I still freeze and can't talk about things - I still feel that I am in early days...  I just wonder how long the early days go on for.  To be honest I thought that I would have made more progress.  However, my therapist happens to just have all those (positive) qualities that seem to trigger me into almost being unable to function (which means so many issues are at the surface ready to be addressed)..  So frustrating.

Thank you again for all your responses.

Hi Sanmagic and All who have posted here.

I have found this a touching conversation and a real eye opener to how my issues could impact others in these forums.  I too need validation - however over the years I have learnt to cope with the lack of validation far better than I used to.  If I am not validated I have a tendency to presume I am disliked.

The thing is recently I did not respond to a reply that was sent to a post of mine.  The response that I received was highly appreciated (apart from being useful on a practical level I also felt seen).  But being new I also felt inferior and presumed that I am unlikeable anyway and that any return reply that I sent would only be annoying. 

Additionally for various reasons my head then became redirected into troubled thoughts about sexual abuse - which was probably best not written about at the time.  I also have children & a very demanding job which can create difficulties in finding time to process and feel comfortable in my reply.  I feel very inadequate and unworthwhile which will cause me a lot of hesitation in replying or contributing to a post. 

Hopefully, you can see from this that my lack of response tells you about me and my limitations - &I presume this is the case with many non validators.

I think you are all beautiful.  The people in this forum often seem troubled yet so deep and for me a deepness in the heart is a quality that is invaluable and so special.

Sanmagic7, you comment about not feeling anger but believing it must be there.  Do you really believe it is there?  For me I believe there is a deeper anger that I am not aware of - however as anger is often considered a secondary emotion - I also believe that as a matter of survival I have learnt to go to the primary emotion very quickly.   Sometimes I wish I could be angry at those who have hurt me - but I can't.  I feel too much love. ??..

Thank you all for reminding me that I am not the only one who is insecure and needing validation and recognition.

Thank you for responding to my post.  It helps to feel less alone.

Perhaps this is not the best forum and best discussed in the therapy specific forum, however I did want to follow up on some responses.

I do tell my therapist about the triggers and struggles - however after months of freezing and not saying anything despite my determined in tensions, I reverted to writing (then what I wrote was excessive), &she thought unhelpful as I still struggled to talk.

Now I talk in parts but I intellectualise and explain within psychological terms/theories, analyse and draw connections between today and my childhood and avoid the emotions.

Consequently I spend 4-5 days following feeling tortured.  I feel a lot of love towards her and transference &longing in wanting her to meet my childhood needs etc (which I also think is impossible).  Often there is a fortnightly cycle where one week I am ok after addressing the triggers and thus feel connected &an attachment and the next week horrible. 

Because I often feel better 1-2days before my session, I don't think she really gets a feel for what is going on for me as I feel foolish and ashamed but seem ok - I don't tend to always bring up what I don't feel at that moment.

She has worked a lot on trying to make me feel safe and secure in sessions to talk about thinks - but I still can't get my head wrapped around the unevenness of the therapeutic relationship and what I perceive as a lack of relevance.  Furthermore, the expectations in my heart are beyond what is fair.

I want to explain/share what I remember of an early sexual abuse experience as my emotions triggered in therapy seem to be associated with this as it keeps triggering the limited memory that I have.  I have tried to talk once and I froze, I have never been able to share it with anyone (even in writing) and feel foolish for it.

Sorry this is probably a bit long and in the wrong forum.

Hi, im new here and quite nervous about posting a message, but really dont want to feel alone anymore.  I want to connect with people however exposing deeper parts of myself is triggering (when i express both pain and joy).

I grew up in a very emotionally abusive environment.  I find that this impacts my life consistently - i frequently feel inner torture - and fear the how i am perceived.  I presume people don't like me and think all the horrible things my mum used to tell me i was.  The behaviour of others would suggest they do like me, yet I still don't feel accepted.

I was also sexually abused at quite a young age and again in my teens.  This also causes difficulties and triggers when I try to form deeper connections with others.  Any attempt in connecting with others in a way that I would find meaningful throws me into turmoil.

I grew up in a violent environment (my sibling tried to kill family members on many occassions). 

The good nights were those when no one else was at home.  I always felt emotionally abandoned but fantasised about being physically abandoned - although I am glad I wasn't.

I am seeing a T, but I am really struggling with it as i am frequently triggered by her in one way or another - which I believe is to do with me rather than her skills as a therapist.  However, I don't really know what to expect from her as a T or how she can help, I think I would be a very difficult client.  Has anyone had overcome points of being feeling stuck in therapy?. I dont think i could handle changing therapist either.

Cptsd is hard and I can identify with many posts in the forums.  Thanks for reading my post and letting me share.