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Hey BB, what helped me and I think I've posted about it and talked about it in the Zoom groups is that I kept asking myself the question "Am I that bad?" for a period and one day I had an epiphany, almost a bolt of lighting that "No, I am actually a good person, decent, kind, honest, etc" because when I asked the question I would then compare myself to my abusers, the abusers I read about on this forum and in the news and I was nowhere near that. I had value and worth despite or maybe because of my abuse.

I think of you as a really decent person (e.g., look at all the time and effort you've put into helping me with this forum over the years  ), and how you try to learn and make every effort to recover. You don't see any of our abusers here making that kind of effort that's for sure.   

Anyway, I just had that wonderful, freeing thought one day that it's ridiculous (and sad) that I or any of us should feel less than, bad, etc. Challenging those kind of thoughts was a great strategy for getting rid of them.

Hope this is helpful!

Hey Marcine, I too have been married for 35+ years and part of what helped us is that we both come from a background of relational trauma. Before we knew what it was we had been through it caused problems but we figured it out together and that helped a lot.

It's a bit dicey starting a relationship with someone who is a trauma survivor but if they are working on recovering it can end up being a strength. My H and I are able to talk openly when one or the other's symptoms kick in and that means we are able to ground ourselves rather than expend energy hiding our feelings.

I don't know that this is much help given the underlying suggestion here is to find a fellow recovering survivor  My other suggestion would be to work on boundaries and taking care of you versus everyone else. That way you'll likely notice/attract more men who are healthier rather than being drawn to or attracting those who have unresolved trauma or are abusive.

Just some thoughts, I hope they help!   

Hey Beet, we have some forms and resources that might be useful here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads.
Note that there's one "Locating a Therapist" that has questions you can ask.

Good luck!

Kizzie

Colour me impressed! I did not know AI could do that either.   

Wow, great work - is that you singing?  Thanks for sharing!

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Chocolate Moose  I hope you find the forum helpful alongside therapy!  I suspect as you post more and see how welcoming members are your nervousness will subside. 

Hey Saluki, just my thoughts but maybe you can't cry because you fear if you start you won't stop? It's a massively sad and difficult thing to feel those feelings we felt as a child again. I know this as I suspect do all of us here do. In the end I do think it's what sets us free though; that is, feeling those feelings again and grieving, getting angry, comforting little you as an adult now and slowly coming to grips with it all.

Again, just my thoughts but I think you ARE working towards healing by sharing here so you're not totally alone with all of it. It's out in the open now and I hope this helps you come to grips with all of it as we acknowledge your pain, and comfort and support you. There may be a day soon when you will be able to finally cry because you are not as alone with the pain. 

Hi BB, so sorry to hear you are dealing with trichotillomania     Are you able to figure out why this SA has risen up recently?

Hi Frances and welcome back to Out of the Storm. As fellow survivors we can certainly understand leaving and then coming back when you feel more ready. I hope you will feel more comfortable this time around and reconnect as you are hoping to do.     

Hi Pete and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm! 

So sorry to hear about your recent breakup, sadly relationships are really tough for so many of us. A stressful situation like this can definitely bring a lot of symptoms to the surface because it takes us back to the ways in which we were hurt previously and how we felt - all the fear, sadness, feelings of rejection, anger we experienced in the past.

You likely have come a long way in recovery, but CPTSD symptoms are more managed than gone forever so when we are under a lot of stress there they are again. Just my thoughts of course, but I hope you won't be too hard on yourself and won't lose hope.     

We do seem to be having a bit of a glitch with this but unfortunately the fellow who helped with our IT is no longer available.  Sadly I am not good enough to fix these glitches but I will see if I can ask on the Simple Machines forum.  Traditionally they have not been particularly helpful and seem to think anyone with their platform should be quite proficient at IT.  Ironic, given they chose the name "Simple Machines!"

Kizzie

Oh Fennec, I am so sorry about what your family has put you through - "weaponized" it as Narc Kiddo so aptly puts it. I think you are really brave for protecting your boundary in the face of that. If this whole debacle doesn't make the case for why you have to do so, I don't know what does. 

Just my thoughts of course but like BB suggested maybe do make a safe, comfy nest for yourself and snuggle in for a bit once you've done the role play obligations. Afterall, in normal healthy families we would be comforted and offer comfort but sadly with us we often need to do it for ourselves. I'm glad you reached out here because we do understand and we do support and comfort each other which is what you so need at the moment.

One other suggestion - perhaps you can try and talk to your partner to explain why you're so distressed, maybe not now but when the stress has subsided a bit?  If they too are a survivor then who better to reach out to in times like this, as long as they can understand and validate what you are going through?

  

Hi and a warm welcome Lina!    Very glad to hear you're finding some good info and resources already. 

I agree, it's a strange form of abuse but it was definitely abusive, a way to exert power over you. I mean when you think about it, who tickles someone so much they can't breathe? You most definitely were NOT being dramatic and you had every right to be angry IMO.

I'm also sorry your mother did nothing, it means she was complicit and of course you would be angry and sad about that.

Hi Beet and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm! 

Sorry to hear you're going thru a rough patch at the moment, I hope being here and sharing about what's going on will help.

I love to craft too, but am stick figures all the way when it comes to drawing  Narc Kiddo is quite good and has some samples somewhere on the forum.

I'm curious what was your area of graduate studies (if you are okay to share that of course)?