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Even well meaning people say things like "it happened a long time ago, why don't you get over it? It was the abuser's fault then but now it's your fault now for not taking control of your own life".

In 2016 I was having my knee replaced and the anaesthesiologist (had to see him before surgery) asked about CPTSD on my form.  I told him what it is and he asked "Isn't that something you could have left in your childhood?" In other words, "Why haven't you gotten over it?" just as you suggested. I didn't get angry (he was afterall going to be poking me with a needle), but did my best to explain and left it with him. Let's hope somewhere along the way he did look into it or was offered some professional development about trauma.

I do think things are getting better and that we here at OOTS are helping with that. Check out the healthcare guide we came up with - https://www.outofthestorm.website/healthcare-project.  We also have the book we put together that will be available to one and all once it's published. And if you Google complex trauma and/or CPTSD a LOT will pop up that for me indicates we're going in the right direction now. That wasn't so much the case 11 years ago when OOTS was just new. I also know there is more and more research being done to make treatment more effective and available so better times are on the horizon. All of which is to say, I hope this gives you hope that things will get better for us in terms of understanding, treatment, services and support. 

[lack of knowledge]

Sadly Saluki, I think they are always going to be those who don't have the emotional wherewithal to understand the pain of others. That said, I am all for getting our stories, needs and wants out there so those who can understand come to know about complex relational trauma and how it impacts us. The caveat for me is that we only do so if we are emotionally prepared for the possibility that we will receive negative feedback from some. 

I just did an interview with 80+ professionals about the healthcare project we did and one of them was quite dismissive of the research study part of the project and signed off the Zoom in a huff. I was shocked TBH but I realized fairly quickly they did not know much about the research approach we had used. Not to get into that, but it was their lack of knowledge that caused their reaction. The other attendees were appalled by what the person said because they understood the approach and the reason for it. This cemented the fact for me that while people are all different in how they will react to our stories of trauma, most will take away the central fact that we were terribly hurt by what happened to us and that we are deserving of validation and effective treatment, services and support.

So, I imagine there are those who read our stories as "trauma porn" and also there are those who are trolls and get off on writing negative comments. I suspect though there are many more who genuinely want to know about us, what we went through, and for some of us, are still going through. Not all will understand, but many more will   and we will have helped bring this plague of abuse/neglect out into the light and dispelled the stereotype some have of it all being our fault or of us being weak, etc. We need to be prepared for that as much as possible, and know that it comes from ignorance and a lack of empathy (which says more about them than us IMO). 
 
I'm sorry for what happened to you on the other forum, again sadly not all moderators are adept at knowing how to moderate well. 

Tks Sense Organ, I appreciate the appreciation

I hear you DD.  Betrayal runs deep but I hope now that you know you will allow yourself not to care so much about others and start caring for yourself. 

I have a long history of feeling guilty for being 'that person', the one with issues and sensitivities and reactions...  As I read your post though I realized that I am feeling less so these days and the reason is understanding emotionally not just intellectually that I am this way for good reason. I was abused, we all were (and/or neglected) and that had ramifications on the heart, body and mind as anyone here can attest to.

Would I give up being 'that person' if I could?  In a heartbeat. It isn't about attention seeking, if anything many of us hide our symptoms as best we can and then when they leak out because our mental and physical system are overwhelmed, boom we feel that guilt you write about.

In addition to now knowing that my symptoms are part of who I am because of what happened to me (the same as if I'd been in a car accident), I see now that if someone has a medical condition likes heart issues, cancer or whatever, we (society) don't hold them accountable and we understand they need to manage their health and well-being. I've come to believe that we deserve the same. It's one reason for this website, forum and for the book and healthcare project just completed - they are meant to educate others (and ourselves) about what happened to us, how it impacted us, why we deserve understanding, respect and support, and to take away the guilt so many of us feel.

I hope you will be able to let go of the guilt as you recover 
 

Welcome to Out of the Storm Noraw! 

No worries about the length of your post, it's really common for new members to write a lot because there's so much that you need to get out. The opposite also happens where it takes a new member time to post very much because they feel so vulnerable and unsafe even in an anonymous forum.

So considering what you went through and how it impacted you I think you did a great job of sharing in spite of having learned to shut down!

In terms of what treatment works it really is different for everyone. I know lots of people here do IFS, EMDR and CBT. They each seem to work for different aspects of CPTSD so it's trial and error I'm afraid. This is where we've (survivors) have had to educate ourselves as to the different approaches to the various symptoms and comorbidities of CPTSD, for example freeze and/or dissociation.

That said, when I read your post I was thinking (just my opinion), that whatever therapist you do choose needs to use a relational approach in which they work with you to feel safe and stay present. If you Google it you'll get an idea of what it is and why it might be helpful for you. Here's one description I found:

Relational therapy is a psychotherapy approach focusing on how relationships, both past and present, deeply influence emotional well-being, aiming to build healthier, more satisfying connections by exploring relational patterns, fostering vulnerability, and using the therapeutic relationship itself as a tool for healing wounds and developing trust, boundaries, and deeper self-understanding. It's helpful for anxiety, insecurity, trauma, or relationship distress, teaching individuals to recognize unhealthy patterns and form more fulfilling bonds with themselves and others.

Hope this helps!

Kizzie

Hey DD, like those who already responded I too think you've done a great job of trying to deal with an untenable situation. Someone who continues to betray me when I have told them how they make me feel or have told them to stop would be triggering for sure. It takes us to that place of fear, powerlessness and loss of control we were subjected to in our past trauma. 

A couple of thoughts I had was to be resolute in the thought that they do not deserve to take up any real estate in your head and you are going to continue to do your level best to move on/away from them. Another is to congratulate yourself on the work you have done and are doing to decrease/get rid of this trigger. 

Finally, when you must see this person would it be possible to have a buddy/friend with you throughout the event? It can feel safer having someone with you and if it's someone who knows what's going on and supports you, even better.

  I must say I like Narc Kiddo's suggestions if you feel comfortable giving them a try and your thoughts about why you may do so.    I had the thought as I was reading your post that it's positive that you do have a self-soothing voice because often members here talk about having a negative inner critic. 

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm SameReflection! 

I have never done DBT but I know there are members who have so hopefully you will get some feedback.

Glad you're here with us 

Thanks so much James! It will likely be in the New Year as we're taking a break for the holidays.

Kizzie

Reaching out is helpful if you're feeling lonely Ran.  Do you have a therapist who can also help you work on this?

It's great to know what's wrong with ME, but blimey... what in the name of all that is reasonable, was wrong with THEM?

Hey James, love this    When we switch to looking at THEM rather than US, we are truly in recovery IMO.

Re the book, we have a draft manuscript we're sending out to agents/publishers now. From what we've heard/read it looks to be a long process. The book team are having a meeting this Sunday and I think we're going to talk about a drop dead date. By that I mean if we haven't been picked up by XXXX we will likely move into self-publishing. More to come!

I'm blown away by your insights James and I truly hope others will benefit from what you've shared about your journey to understanding and compassion for yourself. We need to hear stories like yours - bravo to you! 

I have to agree with Narc Kiddo that joy is such a big emotion that we could not risk feeling when we were experiencing trauma either as children or as adults. I remember feeling like I could not allow myself to feel much positive as a child for fear of the other shoe dropping and feeling deflated like a balloon. It hurt less if the fall wasn't so great. Nowadays I too aim for contentment just as NK has said, takes a lot of pressure off and it isn't quite as threatening.
 
I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling depressed right now. The holidays are fraught for us sadly. I hope it helps if even if just a little to know it matters to us that you are feeling low

It's a very popular book (if somewhat difficult) but you're so right about it helping us to understand just how much of an impact trauma has on our bodies.