Messages

I agree with Blueberry that as you start to notice when and why you dissociate you can gain some control over it. For example, do you know why you dissociated when you were scanning documents?  Where you thinking about something else that caused you distress or did it have to do with the task you were doing (maybe feeling like you weren't doing it right or something along those lines)?

In my case I started to catch myself starting to dissociate and then brought myself back so I can see what is making me fearful and consider whether I need to be afraid, what I can do about it, and so on. I actually don't dissociate much if at all anymore.

If you figure out what is causing it and whether you can move through the distress it gives you more control and power. There are lots of books available nowadays that help you to move away from dissociation to being present so you may want to try one. Also, if you have a therapist you can let them know and they most likely can help you with recognizing when you're dissociating and how to bring yourself back.

Just my thoughts of course but I hope they help! 

 

Some context would be that I'm pretty sure my Oma could be a N, as she is quite controlling and nitpicky. My behaviour towards her has always felt like fawning to me, and I felt I had to lie to her to keep up the relationship.

I thought as much given what you posted about her (i.e., that she is an N). I know in my life as I became an adult all the fawning (I did it too to keep the peace), and other strategies I used really began to take a toll on my health and well-being. It was when I figured out they were N's (in my 50's!) that I made the choice to go N/LC. Like most survivors I thought it was mostly me although I knew something was wrong with them as well, just not quite what.  It's one reason I started OOTS, so people can catch on earlier than alot of us here did and get the help they need and do what they need to to shed those who have abused/neglected them. The earlier on the better!

That's awesome you have a women's advocacy group behind you and now you have us so you're not quite as alone as some of us end up being, at least at first when we go NC. It's a terrible decision to have to make, leaving one's family behind. And then to mourn the loss of them because it's just not the natural order of things, family are meant to love us and we them but the reality is there are healthy families and abusive ones. In my case the freedom overcame the mourning and I hope the same is true for you.  It really sounds like you have a good idea of just who has the problem and what you need to do about making changes that help you have a healthier, happier life.    

I am so sorry this happened Wooboy, CPTSD is such a deep wound and until we can figure out how to heal life can be full of traps/triggers that bring the fear and anger to the surface when you least expect it. Personally I don't think any of us are as you suggest "untreatable. Unknowable. Unfriendable. Untouchable. Unsalvageable. Flat out crazy". 

What I do think and feel is that we need skilled, experienced therapists to deal with the type of deep wounding that spills out in anger, rage even at times.  I don't know if this T is the one for you or not, but maybe try and keep in mind that as a human she is imperfect and may not be able to react objectively to your amygdala hijack/rage. As you say it would be best if you and she could talk this through and get to the other side of things said and unsaid. It seems like you both could learn from this if you're willing to work through it, but you both have to be willing to do so. You have asked to do this and so the ball is in her court now which is really difficult I understand.

I do hope if she is not willing to continue she at least acknowledges that she is not capable of treating you rather than making you feel guilty, at fault.  Afterall, that's the whole reason we go to T's is for them to help us through the legacy our abuse has left and many  may simply not be up to the job given how new the diagnosis is. 
 

I need some advice: Should I respond to the letter and advocate for myself? Or is silence a good response?

Unfortunately we can't say one way or another because we don't know the dynamics of your relationship, her personality and whether she is an N, and how prepared you are emotionally if she comes back with more reasons why you should not give up you family, and based on how lonely you're feeling.

It's important to know these things about yourself and whether you can be your own best advocate, steady and firm about your side of things, the hurt you live with and why going No Contact was not really a choice but a necessity for your health and well-being. If you're unsteady in this regard at the moment, there is always time in the future to have the conversation. And if you are just too lonely at the moment to go NC, you need to consider that too.  Maybe going Low Contact would be better. 

Whatever you do, make sure it's something you can live with. 

I did talk with Papa Coco this morning and the 2 current Zoom groups are full. So if you'd like to be a part of a third group plse PM me (Kizzie).

FYI - Because this would be a new group, you do not have to have been a member here for some time, that's just for existing groups when a space comes open. Please note, however, that you do need to participate on the forum as well as the Zoom group, as the groups are considered supplemental to the forum. Tks!   

As I mentioned in an earlier post, we can't help you except to make suggestions and provide support.  Psychiatrists don't normally do much anymore except prescribe medication which is likely why the one you dealt with suggested you find a therapist.  I too would suggest you find one with knowledge and experience of CPTSD. Here's a good site for that - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists and there are others on the web so you can narrow down your search by where you live.

Tks for this Tigrlily!

Speaking of my disability (visual impairment), please don't use emojis, they are meaningless to me, and I don't know if my screen reader can interpret them on this bulletin board.

Welcome Tigrlily. I just wanted to mention that in order for members to know you do not want them to use emojis you will have to put this at the top of every post you make unfortunately.

I mentioned this elsewhere, but in terms of a weekly online support group, we have 2 on the go currently and you can PM Papa Coco to see if there is room in either one.  I also mentioned that if there was enough interest (5-7 members) I would start a new group. Anyone who is interested can PM me - Kizzie.

That's wonderful to hear BlueMoon, thanks for sharing this with us!   

[Note to members:]

There aren't any visual graphics Steve, mainly because it used to be you couldn't insert an image in a post and had to attach it instead with the limit being 500 mb which gets quite unwieldy. I'm happy that SMF (our platform) has apparently changed this and we can add more infographics if we so choose now. I do like visuals as sometimes words don't quite capture what the poster is trying to get at or convey it better.

Note to members: We have to be careful about copyright if we post an image someone else has made.  If you want to include images like this please be sure to include a link to where you got it. Tks.

 

We do have 2 Zoom groups, one every second Fri and the other every second Sat. You can check with the host Papa Coco via DM if there is space. If there is no space, I will look at starting a third group if there is sufficient interest (5-7). It will be a peer support group versus a therapist led group. PLease PM me if you'd like to be a part of a third group (Kizzie). 

For a therapist led group, as I mentioned in a earlier post in this thread Psychology Today is a good place to search - https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists. These are of course fee based because they are therapeutic.

This topic has been moved to Therapy.

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16804.0

This topic has been moved to Therapy.

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15786.0

We do talk a lot here about acknowledging and challenging our intrusive thoughts Steve, either on our own or undertaking therapies like CBT. It's so true that we must be able to see what we are thinking first, especially those negative thoughts that are murky, running in the background so to speak. That's when we can go on to doing something about them, to "reframe" or change them as you say. 

Glad to  hear it's working for you!