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The incident in your childhood re your GM taking your S on holiday. Did you even feel you could say to your M that you did not feel jealous or was it a "done deal" so to speak? If sounds to me like she shut you down a lot and how hard, unfair and abusive is that? My M used to talk over top of me as though I wasn't there and it made me feel so angry, invisible and as though I did not count. I never said anything as I was scared of her reaction until one day as an adult I did and it certainly set her back on her heels. She mostly stopped talking over top of me and if/when she did I would always say something to the effect of "Excuse me, I'm not finished what I was saying" and eventually she stopped trying to making me invisible.

In my case it was all about finally and clearly being able to identify what she was doing in real time, why, and then having the agency to do something about it. Prior to that I would get confused and would shut down any anger, knowing something was happening that was not good but not quite knowing what it was or why I felt so emotional and that if I said anything life would get harder. Part of relieving this meant spending much less time around her and my FOO and the whirlwind of drama and chaos that makes it hard to think/feel. Ongoing exposure to her N drama meant I had to constantly be on guard so I didn't have the bandwidth to sort things out. Once I had more space I felt like I could breath and think and feel.

Maybe some of what you feel is based around exposure to her (and your FOO) which leaves little bandwidth to feel your feelings? Being around N's is as I've said exhausting and confusing and IMO they mean it to be this way. That's how they better control us or at least leave us so muddled we can't think/feel straight.

You have every right to be you no matter what she says or does but perhaps like I had to do you need to create a boundary/some space to be able to do that? Just my thoughts of course, you know you best and what is relevant.

 

I agree with Chart Teddy Bear - it good to see older threads be bumped as there's often a lot of good info or it provides an opportunity to start anew discussion about the topic. 

Great posts everyone, I relate so much to this topic.

When someone talks about me being strong what pops into my head immediately is the urge to say "It is not "strength" per se, just fear and desperation." If anyone could see inside me they would see I am or was a crumbly mess, just doing my best to keep my head above the surface most of the time.

I also don't like to be congratulated on surviving trauma, again all I want to say is "What other choice did I really have?" Of course there are a few choices, none of them good.

LBTV I understand your aversion to the word "resilient" for similar reasons. When I hear/read it, it often comes across as something I should have, and if I don't have it then I have failed. I'm OK if an article or someone mentions learning resilience, that feels different. In that case it involves a strategy or strategies I can learn and then use to feel better, happier, less dysregulated, whatever. But possessing a measure of actual resilience from the get go, as a child of complex relational trauma not so much. It's one of those things that IMO is learned in healthy families at a young age alongside regulation, etc.   

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Ashley     Glad you found us and I hope you'll settle in and feel comfortable soon. 

Thanks for this SO, it's such a big part of our trauma landscape that any help ridding ourselves of it is a positive move in recovery.

One thing that has helped me deal with shame is first identifying it (it can run quite deeply in the soul), and then figuring out why I feel it. In my case (and I'm sure most others survivors) a lot of shame came as a form of control by those abused me. If I felt shame then I was more vulnerable and open to manipulation and abuse.

Thus, saying "No" to shame I didn't earn or deserve was pivotal. I think this falls under "radical beliefs" ("reclaim our voice, experiences, and embodied truths by owning our authority, autonomy, and authentic needs") and embracing my true self. 

I must say I love the word "deshaming"!

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm and Happy New Year Olly!  While not really a reptile person I do love iguanas. I find them to be so beautiful.  And I do really like Geckos.

I think you will find it easier to write about your feelings/experiences here because members do get it. When I started posting I took quite a bit of time on every post, but over time I just relaxed and now my posts come freely and smoothly. I hope you will find the same thing. It may be that your autism makes this a bit more difficult I know, but there's a certain magic in the connection, acceptance and understanding here so that may help you to feel less guarded.

 

 

You know, this reminds me of the controversy of Alice Miller's son Martin, a psychotherapist in Switzerland re his book about his mother (https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers/2019/4/28/how-victims-become-perpetrators-passing-war-trauma-on-to-your-own-children). The book is titled "The True Drama of the Gifted Child" and is about his abuse at the hands of his mother. When he published it he received both criticism because his mother was so beloved for her work in child trauma and no-one could quite believe what he was saying, and complements for sharing his truth about her.

I had a difficult time knowing quite what to think and feel myself until I came to see what Martin himself see's about his mother. That is, she was never quite able to deal with the trauma of the war and ended up passing it on, but that her work is still so very important because she had a strong intuitive and intellectual grasp about childhood trauma. It made me think that she is actually a good example of just how hard it is for anyone to deal with trauma, in her case so much so she pushed it down, intellectualized about it, only to have it seep out on her children.

I feel the same way about Gabor Mate, that is, I still see a lot of value in what he has contributed to the field even after reading her article, but am grateful that the author raised what are some serious issues. It's problematic to put people on a pedestal because we make ourselves vulnerable in doing so. I don't need a hero, but I do need professionals to have a strong moral and ethical compass so I can trust them. If he is indeed drifting away from the rigour and solid ethics needed in healthcare, I want to know that.

Asdis, these are just my thoughts of course but I remembered feeling similarly some time back in recovery and thought I'd share about what helped me. I remember I started to see a lot of books and articles about being self-compassionate as I was working really hard on recovering and that sort of grabbed me for some reason. I took what I was reading to heart and for me that meant slowing down and not doing so much, about trying less hard rather than more hard, and of being less perfectionistic and accepting that I am human. So many of us have such a bossy Inner Critic that we don't even think to tell it to shush, to question what it is telling us, and to move toward a more compassionate loving self that the IC blots out.

I don't know if this will resonate with you but I hope some of it does and you can step outside that endless loop. 

Tks for posting this BB     

I continue to be amazed that there are now "Super" conferences about trauma. I remember when I started this forum back in 2014, there were very few conferences, books, articles, etc.  Now it's a regular smorgasbord - yay!

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Shosh 

Like The Big Blue I too am glad you are choosing to be honest about needing to work at recovery on an ongoing basis. It took a long time for me to admit that here because I didn't want anyone to be discouraged. Eventually I decided that it was my truth and one I needed to express and that others would need to decide for themselves what is true for them.

Hope you find being here helpful 

 

Welcome to Out of the Storm Highimpedance  So sorry for all that you have been through and are dealing with at present. I'm always happy when survivors manage to find their way here and begin to feel the relief of not being so alone anymore.

I absolutely love the term "post-traumatic joy" SO      There is nothing quite so wonderful than feeling that connection and understanding with other survivors that can bring about a sense of belonging and joy.  Pass the champagne please 

Just my two cents BB, but CBT bothers many of us because often we didn't feel like (or were made to feel like) we were "getting it right" much as you experienced. A lot of us find CBT can be helpful for some things (e.g., I got over my fear of flying and reduced my social anxiety), but it is limited (IMO) when it comes to those deep core wounds we suffered and the symptoms they gave rise to because they are so primal/emotional in nature. They are wounds you can't think your way out of, they need to be addressed in a relational context with a T who feels safe and trustworthy just as you suggested.

Getting over a fear of flying is just not the same as the fear of ever being in a position where I have no power or control, the fear of being so vulnerable, and the necessity of doing what I have to to survive. There is every reason to continue to fear that (because I have been through it), and to do what I can to never ever feel that way again, unless and until I have someone I can connect with and who will walk through those feelings with me. 

If you go to Pete Walker's site he talks about why he takes a relational approach as well as what a T needs to be for CPTSD clients. Both felt right to me since I read his book back in 2014 and still do. See https://pete-walker.com/pdf/relationalHealingComplexPTSD.pdf.

Good luck with your upcoming therapy appointment, I hope you are able to get across why it was not helpful when your T tried to reason you out of a feeling of a loss of safety.

Unfortunately TB, as we are an international site we aren't able to pass along much in the way of info about individual T's. We do have databases where you can search for a T who specializes in one thing or another here - https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=881.0. If you do find T's in your area there is info about how much they charge or whether they will use a sliding scale based on your income.

The other thing that works well is simply to use Google to search for your location.

Good luck!