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It certainly sounds like you have been and are being gaslighted by your family but the positive is is that you know it. And you know that others who try and shut you down are doing the same, trying to make you believe it's you.

I suspect not all family lawyers would tell you to keep silent and I wonder if you keep looking for one that will be your advocate that might be the best path to take. There are often lawyers who will do this pro bono. You have legal rights and should have expectations of fair treatment from the system in place to serve you.

I guess it comes down to staying silent and being stuck, or not staying silent and trying to get the law on side to advise, guide and advocate for you. I also had a thought that having a family therapist or private social worker who knows the system might also help as they could also guide, support, and help you advocate for yourself, might be an avenue to explore.

It's not easy having CPTSD I know, especially when we feel alone or are alone with it. There are good people/professionals out there who will help, it's just a matter of finding them. It can be a challenge ut that is what we (survivors) need to do sometimes to move into a better life.

 

My congrats to you on your new apartment - have you moved in yet? Good luck with finding a new T, I hope that goes smoothly 

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Roger! 

You are more than welcome to just read and make the occasional post - whatever works best for you.

Just pinging my post above.  Please let me know if you're interested in joining Zoom Grp #3.

I think it's good you understand you have a need (but IMO are not "needy" per se) and are thinking about how to meet that.     Sometimes that need is so strong we reveal a bit too much in one go rather than a bit at a time to see if the other person can be trusted with and receptive of the info. It's something that just takes practice for us and it seems to me like you're well on your way to figuring this out so kudos (again) 

I have to agree with San, you're seeing your listening styles, connecting them to your CPTSD and thinking about how and why to change them - kudos! 

In terms of what triggers you, that's quite personal but you will likely notice feelings arise such anxiety, fear, anger, sadness ....  I don't know how far along you are in recovery but as survivors go along they typically figure out what is a trigger and why. You can bring that to your therapist and/or bring it up in a post here to help with that.

In terms of writing things that are triggering for others, as Auto-Rin suggests anything can be a trigger but what we're referring to here are the things that are more obvious triggers for survivors of relational abuse. One of these is overly graphic detail as we have noted in the member guidelines. So this means going into great detail about physical or sexual abuse rather than writing about what happened in general terms. That kind of detail is best left to therapy in private with someone who is trained to help and who knows how to manage any secondary trauma they may experience by hearing about the abuse.

If anyone is ever unsure about what they are writing about they can always PM me and check it out. Also, we have the Report to Moderator button on the lower right hand side of posts so that community members themselves can let me know if a post is questionable.

Kizzie

So sorry you went thru that San    I can't say as I blame Gray Lady for making an appearance so you could go into the background where you felt safe. I find many sales people overwhelming and that's because they are taught to be that way.

I can't remember where I saw this but in a chain of stores (probably Europe) they have difference coloured baskets. If you're OK with sales help you take one that's a certain colour, and if you're not, you take the other.  I thought that was brilliant, but also it goes to show you how many of us do not like being chased by people trying to get their commission. We also have stores here where I live who offer quiet shopping for customers who may have ADHD or be on the spectrum so they don't play music, they lower the lights and they don't bug you.

It tells me there are a LOT of us who feel uncomfortable even fearful like you did. And when you think about it most of us who were abused were bullied so our systems just react whenever we feel like we're in the same situation. 

I realize your case was different in that you were kind of stuck but I guess my point is you are not all that different from a lot of people who don't fare well in situations like that. And you have the choice of whether to stay or go when something like this happens, you don't have to sit there and be subjected to someone like that. That's a hard one for us I know, but once you talk yourself into this truth life is so much better because you have control.

A pox on all the pushy people in life. 

[THE "OF COURSE METHOD" IN PRACTICE]

There's another technique by Ross Rosenburg that he tacks onto the "Observe, Don't Absorb" technique I really like called The "Of Course" Method: Neutralizing Narcissistic Abuse. Link -https://www.selfloverecovery.com/blogs/blog/of-course-method 

THE "OF COURSE METHOD" IN PRACTICE These two words are enormously powerful because they affirm what you already know to be true about the narcissist. They allow you to retain your power and not hand it over. Instead of being triggered and activated by what they're saying, you are remaining in control. The end goal of the "Of Course Method" is to remove yourself from the situation or end the conversation. It is not to engage in the conversation longer or make them upset, but to get out of the conversation.

The following is an example how of the "Of Course Method" may sound when applied:

"Of course they would comment on my looks, because they know I'm insecure and will get upset."
"Of course they would try to discredit my viewpoints because it used to make me angry."
"Of course they would laugh at me, knowing that always made me fight back before."
"Of course they would make a comment about that; they know it bothers me."
"Of course they would bring up that situation in the past—I've heard them talk about it a million times."

Instead of allowing their comments to trigger you as they have in the past, you calmly repeat "of course" in your head, fortifying you to remain as an observer and not engage in the conversation."

Keep in mind that using the "Of Course Method" may make the situation funny. It's just so obvious what they're doing, and you might get a laugh out of it!



I actually was/am able to do this with some N's although I am still reactive sometimes when I unexpectedly get stuck being around an N. Need more practice I guess!

It is so weird I agree!  It's great though that you see and feel now, that's what gives us control over it when at some point we get good enough at bringing ourselves back and are able to see why it happened. It takes practice and now that you are willing to tackle it I reckon you will get better and better at untangling the reasons and staying present. 

That said, TBH I sometimes let myself dissociate when I am in a situation I want to go away from. That usually involves an N I'm stuck being with.   

Hello and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm SomewhereThatsGreen I have a really strong narc detector too although I must say if I don't move away from them quickly enough my blood generally starts to boil. Good on you for being less bothered by them! 

Hi Yaya and a warm welcome to OOTS! 

I am sorry for what you've gone through and what you're dealing with now.  I must say though that the sense I had when reading through your post is that you have a very clear idea of what happened to you, what it caused and that you are doing a good job at starting to recover. I hope being here at OOTS helps you with that.

Thanks Appy, I hope you find some connections here alongside support and sharing.   

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Appy 

We're used to people needing to do what they need to do to feel comfortable on the forum so please take your time and if you need to take a break of course do so. I personally found that over time I felt safer and safer to discuss things and even to talk about being triggered, just because everyone has been through the same or similar kinds of things and can relate. Your recovery path is as it needs to be for you, that's what we hope newcomers like yourself will understand and find their own way.

I hope you find you are able to fit the forum to your needs and perhaps as you go along let us help you with that if you feel okay doing so.

Kizzie