Messages

 :wave:Morning everybody thanks for the messages and private messages of support they are much appreciated. I am now looking at the next step and would like some advice. So do i see my G.P and get a referral or do I find a private therapist. I have self medicated with vast amounts of alcohol for 30 years and it is no longer working in fact it makes things worse now . My emotional outbursts are cause for concern any advice would be helpful

I can only apologise for my post i should have put a stronger warning in the title but i only gave a very basic outline of my life to gain insight to see if i do suffer from c-p.t.s.d.Perhaps if a moderator is reading this it would be a good idea to remove the post in question,violence is never acceptable in any circumstance weather it be physical,psychological or verbal all i was trying to convey was how psychologically damaged i was and am, this is one of the reasons i don't talk to anyone my partner of 25 years knows only the basics as i can not bring myself to talk about the things i have dealt with. My perception of myself is that of a monster who has no right
to be happy has no friends and should be locked away from normal people amongst other things.To (edited by moderator) i can only say sorry and you don't need to be scared of me or anyone,i had reservation's about talking about stuff and i think it will be a while before i do again on a positive note thanks to everybody for there feedback

Hi everybody i am going to try and keep this as short as possible and outline some of the negative thing's that have impacted on my life i apologise to begin with if people find some of this upsetting but this has been my life.My earliest memories are of a alcoholic father who let me know from a very early age that i was the mistake that had put him into the position of having to marry my mother and ruining his life. My father was not an overly violent man but was extremely adept at mental cruelty and mind games as children we were not allowed to make a noise when he came in for fear of upsetting him my mother protected us as much as possible at the time we did not realise he was a alcoholic at no time did he interact with us on a social level no trips out no football the only interaction would be if he was drunk and would want to "wrestle"which meant pinning you to the floor till you cried.At the age of 13 i met my bully at school who then spent the next 4 years beating, threatening and degrading me as much as possible there is far to much detail to go into but on one occasion i was beaten with a hammer when i left school at 16 i hoped that the bullying would stop  but i was wrong and it carried on for another year until my seventeenth birthday when i snapped and killed him (i know this sounds very blunt and matter of fact but it's not)  i then spent time in prison which i can only describe as horrendous when i was released i lived in the same community as i did before and there were understandably issues.I am going to leave it there for now as i have written a lot i would like feedback if you feel like it i have never spoken about this stuff before and feel uneasy 

 :heythere:Hi thanks to everybody for your positive responses it has been a long week with a lot of reading and thinking.It has thrown up a lot of question's and made me question how i am living my life,one of the major question's that has been going around and around in my mind is if i strip back all the barrier's that i have what is left i don't like myself anyway but what if it's better the devil you know. I know that i have to change as i can not continue as i am and it will be a long journey,i am going to start a new thread outlining what has happened in my life and why i believe i have c-p.t.s.d i would like any and all feedback thanks everybody     

A new friend of mine pointed me in the right direction as i considered myself a "freak" for so many years and have been moved to tears finding out that there are actually people out there that feel the way i do. Every thing that i have read on the forums i can associate with and has given me so much hope, i am still coming to terms with the fact that this condition has controlled so much of my life and still does ,but knowing that there is a specific reason for the way i am has been a revelation. I won't go into specific's at the moment as to why i believe i have c-p.t.s.d but my friend said when he read the information it was as if the symptoms were written for me. I could not agree more