Messages

"You're being too sensitive" is a phrase that narcs use in order to make our reaction to their butthead remarks our fault instead of theirs.  Before I read your whole message I thought that maybe you'd misunderstood the other guy's meaning but no, I really don't think you did. "Just kidding" is something narcs say after they've said something unkind as well. It makes me wonder if your "friend" has any other narc traits.

Over the summer my 19 year old step daughter (who I also think has traits similar to my narc mother) was staying with us and made huge and terrible messes in the kitchen. By "messes", I mean that every bit of counter and table space was in use, dishes were piled in the sink, bags of groceries were in the middle of the floor so that one had a difficult time even getting in for a glass of water! The first few days this happened I worked on cleaning the mess but eventually realized that I was acting like the maid and just started avoiding the room altogether. I was extremely agitated, however. It was consuming my every freaking thought! It was all I could do to not go in there and clean.  Finally, as I lay in bed one night trying to figure out if I was literally insane, my husband accidentally clicked on something on his phone that made a pretty loud noise and I reacted almost as if someone had shot me! I jumped and screamed and was about 10 times as startled as I should have been. And then I was calmer than I'd been in weeks. It's almost as if I was awaiting some tragedy to befall me and the shock of that noise had simulated the attack I'd been expecting. I don't know if that is a common occurrence or if there might be a name for it. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Could this also explain my enjoyment of scary movies and halloween haunted attractions?Might I be seeking that same catharsis?

I think that since we weren't taught to be kind to ourselves, (quite the opposite in most cases), it's a big challenge to learn to be nice or even fair when we see ourselves. My T has me do a lot of mirror work in order to develop self esteem.  It's no magic pill but it is helping me. Have you done any mirror work yet?

I have a weight problem that I'm sure is partly a method of emotional protection and partly caused by using food (particularly sugar), almost as a sedative. I also am in a perpetual state of tension, sometimes to the point that I stop breathing for an oddly long period and I'm not actually aware of it until someone else says "breathe!". These issues as yet have not manifested into an illness or disease but are quite noticeable to some people and cause physical discomfort mainly in the form of tense muscles.

Have you ever heard anyone say "you're comparing your insides to someone else's outsides"? You know all of your private issues and none of hers.  I'm not sure that's a fair comparison.

And I think there might be another way that you comparison is unfair too. Most of us are very hard on ourselves and far kinder to everyone else. Try substituting one of us for you in your story. Maybe imagine me with the same background that you had, tell yourself the story of my life and have it parallel yours closely. In the end, let me become exactly the person you are today, but look at me with the kind eyes you turn toward the world. Now, am I inferior to your therapist? Or have I done very well under the circumstances?

At this point my tormentor (Narc mother) has been dead for many years, my life is truly lovely (I think God rewarded my suffering) and I'm recovering...but slowly. A few days ago I heard an old song that is almost never played anywhere. It's Harry Nillson's "Without You", it's really a very pretty song, but songs are often emotional triggers for me and this one was very much so. When I heard the song I could feel myself in my childhood room. I was looking out the window. The grass and the trees were green and I was singing the song. "I can't live if living is without you. I can't live. I can't give anymore." My mother had recently killed my kitten and told me that my best friend had done it.  I was praying that God would take me to heaven too. I was 4. I was praying for death and I was 4. I'm determined to  to work through this. I am going to let myself feel it.  I'm going to mourn the childhood I didn't get and I'm going to get past it. I'm not going to stuff it down this time, I'll stand up to it. God help me...again.