Messages

lol, I'll keep that in the back of my mind when he starts his crud 

[Trying to isolate you]

The one that stopped me dead is my tracts:

Trying to isolate you - "You are the only one who feels that way." "It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?"

Of all the things he does and says, this statement shuts me up the quickest. It's the exact wording too.
I remember going into a frinzied search on all things invalidating, to argue my case to him. Now that he understands it, for the most part, he corrects everyone else's invalidating habits as if he's a guru.

[Yelling or swearing (Emotional Bullying)]

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotional-abuse-definitions-signs-symptoms-examples/
Emotional Abuse Signs and Symptoms-
Emotional abuse symptoms vary but can invade any part of a person's life. Signs of emotional abuse include:
    Yelling or swearing (Emotional Bullying)
    Name calling or insults; mocking
    Threats and intimidation
    Ignoring or excluding
    Isolating
    Humiliating
    Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotional-bullying-and-how-to-deal-with-an-emotional-bully/
What is Emotional Bullying?
An emotional bully might:
    Name-call, tease or mock
    Use sarcasm
    Threaten
    Put-down or belittle
    Ignore or exclude from a group
    Lie
    Torment
    Gang up on others
    Humiliate others

I'm drinking my morning coffee while reading through material I never finished last night and come across a statement that stands out and triggers sadness in me. I've been numb for a bit now, but this broke the spell! Why?

"Contempt can sometimes be more traumatizing than physical abuse. It is a toxic cocktail of verbal and emotional abuse, a deadly amalgam of rage and disgust. Rage creates fear and disgust creates shame in the child in a way that soon teaches her to refrain from crying out, from ever asking for attention, and before long from seeking any kind of help or connection at all."

Thank you very much, Three Roses. I appreciate the information and encouragement. I will listen to that audio book today!

I came across a post here that mentioned somatic memory so I googled it. I came across several things that caught my eye and was tempted to keep notes but decided against it due to household privacy. Then I remembered this place and thought it might be good to keep notes here. This is where I start: https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/healing-trauma-somatic

"Suzanne's array of emotional and physical complaints is typical of autonomic dysregulation. Dysregulation shows up in basically two extremes: stuck "on" and stuck "off." The former can manifest as anxiety, panic, mania, hypervigilance, sleeplessness, dissociation, attention deficit, OCD, emotional flooding, chronic pain, hostility/rage, etc. This is the sympathetic branch of the nervous system, responsible for moving us out of danger. When traumatic material is unprocessed, the residual activation keeps a person locked in a constant state of readiness and reactivity. The client has an ongoing sense that 'something bad can happen at any moment.'

Being stuck off shows up as depression, flat affect, lethargy, exhaustion, low impulse/motivation, chronic fatigue, dissociation, many of the complex syndromes, low blood pressure. This is the parasympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system. In a healthy state of functioning, it is designed to bring the body back to rest and recovery after surges of sympathetic activity. When it goes awry, the system slows or shuts down too much, or "depresses" itself at the slightest trigger."

Well, that's me! The list: anxiety, panic, hypervigilance, sleeplessness/sleepiness, dissociation, attention deficit, emotional flooding, chronic pain, depression, flat affect, lethargy, exhaustion, low impulse/motivation, chronic fatigue, dissociation, hostility/rage. I learned that some of the PTSD information changed three years ago too. I would now be specified as having PTSD with a subtype of depersonalization/derealization, as well as having the complex variety. Am I really this much of a mess?

This particular article ends as follows:
"In the SE model, we consider our work to focus on resolving the strategies for coping with nervous system dysregulation. This dysregulation can occur as the result of trauma, but may occur even in the absence of specific traumatic events—early attachment issues, for example. What is primary to us is to restore the nervous system to a natural state of regulation. To this end, SE is well integrated with many modalities of therapy, adding richness and depth to other methods that may have a more primary focus on the emotional or cognitive aspects of experience. What is most important about the SE way of working with a client is our focus on the physiological, the sensations, the body."

I wonder if anyone has a trauma map of the body, like if your knees hurt you most like experienced AB or C. I guess it doesn't matter right now. I'm kind of avoiding the fact that I've been numb for over 24 hours now, which is completely unlike me. I should feel devestated but I feel nothing at all, nothing. Well, Ishouldn't say nothing. All I feel is bodily reactions so I know I'm detached. I am mentally sluggish, slow, and feel light headed, intoxicated, and sometimes dizzy. My head feels heavy and I'm sleepy. It's so pronounced that It's surreal. Why do I have to have so many issues around sex and social judgements/humiliation? Well, I'm done with this tonight.

I haven't really had much success getting myself out of a detached state. I usually have to wait it out and let it pass in its own time, however, I'd like to suggest what works for my panic and anxiety attacks (which are pretty severe). First, the easiest way to become present in my body, even if my mind or emotions are dulled, is to breath. This one works for everyone: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/breathing.html There are other DBT things that are good and you don't need to be borderline to fit them to your own issues. If I could be mindful and present in my body, or even comfortable in my body ... Best of luck to you.

I've been reading through the link above, off and on all day while I do my canning. It's all rather sobering. Thanks for keeping it up and updated.

Thank you.

I'll try to intro myself the best I can, but I'm detached momentarily and trying like mad to not stare off into oblivion for hours. Checking out is easier ... not productive, though I much prefer this to feeling. I'm stumbling around in the dark I suppose. Typing might bring me around.

Certain stressors tend to make me "depersonalize" more than others. Tonight's events are strange, though. I should have been mortified, yet I've felt nothing but the sensation of my heading filling with heaviness, a sort of mental sludge, and a feeling of intoxication; Pink Floyd was a genius.

It's taking forever to write this. Have I even said much? okay ... me ...

I'm Vexed, if that wasn't apparent enough. I've got more trauma responses than I have a memory for understanding them. I seem to be a mystery to everyone, myself included. My kids hate me because they've lost me to depression and anxiety more than they've had a functioning mother. I'm sure they have more reasons to resent me for but this at least is legitimate. If I wasn't trying to raise my last child, without such hostilities towards me and their lives, I'd give up fighting and let myself slip into the quicksand. I have to struggle for the will to care about anything. I'm just so tired.

This isn't who I am. This is what is left of who I once was.