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Thank you so much Kizzie and ThreeRoses for your welcomes and replies! I feel less panicky today. It's funny how just knowing there are others who understand makes a big difference. Like...this is real!!! It's not all in my head or just a weakness of character. I know this is the right place for me to be. I'm going to order Pete Walker's  book today.

Hi Wildfire,

I can so relate to this! I know how crazy it makes you feel. When In was in my 20's, I was terrified of going crazy, especially of schizophrenia. I think the underlying fear is that you might go crazy, so your mind invents all these weird and wild "validations" for your fear. It's horrible and it feels like your mind is sabotaging you. I once had the fear, for weeks, of spontaneous combustion, lol! I can laugh about it now, but at the time the fear was very real and kept me in a cold panic state. Then I started to fear hearing voices in my head. I never did, but the fact that I was so fixated on the fear was almost debilitating. I had many more scenarios like these over the years and I perfected the art of pretending I was fine, even while in the middle of a full-on panic episode. I could be smiling on the outside and laughing at someone's joke and on the inside I was in a cold sweat and screaming.

Just remember: crazy people don't worry about going crazy. If you're worried about it, you're not crazy!!

Blessings,
Erica

Hello,

I'm not really sure how to begin this...but oh well, here goes. All of a sudden I am in a panic state, after feeling a sort of elation for the past two days upon figuring out about cPTSD and that I had it. I haven't had a panic attack for quite some time because of medication, but I used to have severe panic attacks often. Right now I feel that my whole body is tensed and shaky, and I sort of feel that out-of-body feeling that I get sometimes with attacks. I've also had headaches all day. I know that this is starting to touch on the truth, which is terrifying for me. I have spent so many years trying so hard to pretend to be "normal", to pretend that i'm okay, but I've always known there is something, something in me that's always being pushed down. Because i'm terrified of what's really there.

I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was 6, molested by two other people, and raped when I was 13. I know that my grandfather raped my mother and her sister when they were children, so I think my mom probably has this too, and has stuffed her experiences so far down that she became sort of...I guess, in denial about a lot of things. She was kind of "checked out". She put me in dangerous situations, although I know she didn't do this knowingly. She is a loving person. But I can't help but feel anger at her for  putting me in these situations. I don't know what to do with this anger. Her life has been hard enough, I couldn't confront her because I know how hard it would be on her and it really wouldn't do anyone any good.

I was in therapy with a good therapist, but when things started to get "real", I stopped going. This is what I always do. I freeze. I can't articulate. I feel small and helpless and I can't deal with it. I say I'm fine and move on. I have a compulsion to get away from anything serious, to be alone, to run. I skip work and end up getting fired over and over because I just want to be alone. Or I just quit jobs. It's causing problems in my marriage now. I feel like a complete failure of a human being. The guilt and shame keeps piling up and I can't explain to my husband what's really going on because I always feel like I'm complaining while we have "real" problems to worry about. But I don't think I can keep this up anymore. I'm so tired. Tired of running away from myself. I turn 40 next month and this has been my life.

I'm going back to that same therapist next week. I'm going to make a better attempt at committing myself to it, trying to open up more. I think I dissociate when confronted with tough questions. I become lightheaded and spacey, and can't find words. I then feel like an idiot. I want to tell her what she wants to hear so I can get out of there and escape back to safety where no one is trying to get inside my head or heart.

Does anyone else feel, or have felt, this way in therapy? How do you overcome this? It's so powerful. I know that this means I must get to the other side of this for true healing to begin, but I don't know how. And not just in therapy, but in relationships and life in general.

Thank you so much! 

Just wanted to introduce myself and say hi. I've only recently learned about cPTSD and it was like stumbling upon an oasis because I've been struggling so long to make sense of myself. I actually cried with recognition. Now I have a starting place for true healing. I'm so glad I found this site and this forum and look forward to connecting with others. Isolation...that is, I think, the worst!!

Blessings,
Erica