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Boy, do I know that feeling!

yeah, this entire year is honestly the worst. Something awful keeps happening to me and I don't have my therapist to talk to 24/7, so instead I just talk to my partners about this but I feel like I'm unloading all those bricks onto them instead

Nice to meet you, too Joshie.  You are welcome here!

I'm relatively new, but find this a safe and comfortable place to talk about recovering from FOO and other trauma.  Lots of us here are isolated from the rest of the world.  It seems to be a common symptom of cPTSD.  Being able to talk here makes me feel less alone.

Sometimes there is not much activity here, other times there is a flurry.  Take your time to get comfortable, if you need to.  Looking forward to hearing from you again.

Thank you so, much to both of you! I've noticed that there seems to be more activity since last year than currently? Asides from that I wanna be able to recover as much as I can so that I'm able to be as functional as I used to be.

I just called the school that I was talking about.. I messed up pretty bad while leaving a voice mail, I'm probably not gonna be able to get that job...

I'm also waiting for other jobs I applied to, not art related but more in regards to retail. I really feel like I'm not gonna get hired because of my lack of experience with pretty much everything... I also have to make a sign for a homeless man we know around the neighborhood and he wants me to help make a sign for him and his dog so he can raise money to get a car. In return I was told I'de get $4 and get a job by referring to me by the people he knows and as much as I want to help him I feel bad taking things from the homeless?? My mom and tia want me to do that as well as applying as my deadname and I feel really pressured by this, considering that I also feel like I can't even draw dogs let alone anything else. I have to do this in permanent marker and I only have one board to work on and the fear of messing up is greatly taking affect on me.

To work with this, I tried to practice drawing his dog with a picture my brother took as reference. But like... It's still pretty bad to look at.. I'm sorry for the rambling, I'm supposed to finish it by this weekend the very least and I'm just like 

[finally]

Hi, I'm Joshua! (other variations of this name are fine too) I'm a nonbinary trans person who very recently and finally got the diagnosis that I've been looking for. After some time speaking to my new therapist she had told me that I definitely have ptsd since the traumas I have endured throughout my lifetime had been building up from several different things. I had been highly suspicious of myself having this illness for years now, but I only thought it might have possibly been through one entire event. It turns out it doesn't have to be singular or short period, and as I was researching after my diagnosis I got this.

I have cptsd.

Last session I asked her about this, and it was confirmed! She's not a fan of labeling but she understood how this particular disorder meant to me once I came across it. She agreed that my trauma is definitely "complex" because it ranges in several different things, but most of all having to deal with various types of abuse.

Some to list here are

• emotional
• sexual
• manipulation
• captive, possessiveness and control
• stalking
• marginalized oppression (especially alienation within safe spaces, particularly the lgbt itself)

Theres a lot of stuff I had to deal with that genuinely destroyed my sense of self to the point of severe isolation and hopelessness. I've lost everything dear to me and even had to cut off long term relationships in order to maintain a healthier life, but even that hasn't helped me enough since the people I no longer speak with were huge in my life to the point where I'll often have nightmares of them that are often mixed with "talk to me again" and "stay away from me".

I'm going to be handling exposure therapy rather soon, one of my traumas involve having to go to art school and failing very miserable with that. With this I will be able to draw and get back in touch with my old self that actually had dreams of becoming a professional artist.

I'm going through a hard time at home and my family is depending on me to get a job to support everyone, and since I don't have any working experience I do however with art. The most I want to at the very least is assisting another artist, if I were to get that as an actual job even right now it might help me back on track with training and will certainly shine in my resume for other jobs in the distant future.

Right now I'm looking into this one that requires being an art teacher's assistant and helping little kids develop their artistic abilities into something wonderful. I feel like with this it might take effect with my exposure therapy outside of sessions and will allow me to heal as an artist. I'm rather nervous of this tho, considering I found this ad on craigslist and messaged the school three times on the same day. I mentioned a bit being trans and mentally ill and I'm really hoping that they won't reject me because of it. Asides from that, I feel like theres no other reason to object to me working there considering all the experience with art and kids I have (Especially as an older sibling)

I meant to put this originally in the introduction boards but maybe this belongs in the recovery section..? I do genuinely want more advice and ways to go about this. Right now, asides from family crisis stuff I've been meaning to move out on my own. I live in Miami and as of now my mom is spending the weekend in Tampa as we're being offered free land and altho I do think this is a good opportunity to get out of this messed up place I'm seriously not willing to risk putting myself in another long distant relationship (I'm currently with two people and one of them lives out of country) and said partner who's living in Miami with me has helped me succeed finding and getting to both my psychologist and psychiatrist. I feel like all that hard work will go to waste and if that happens I'll lose all my progress.

Sorry for all this lengthy stuff, I don't really like posting on forums but I found this place while educating myself on the topic of cptsd. Maybe I'll make some friends and find better ways to cope with this!

It's nice to meet you all!!