I am new here. I have never been an active member of an internet forum before, but I don't think I am receiving the support I need right now from anyone in my "real life." I have always felt aware that my past traumas are not super relatable even to those in my life who have experienced traumas of their own. I self-diagnosed as borderline before beginning therapy. My new therapist has suggested that while maybe the two are one in the same, that I consider reading more about ptsd.
The past few months have been the hardest of my life. I graduated from a good school about a year ago with decent grades, a really solid and wide-reaching network of friends, single (weirdly an accomplishment for me), and a lot of excitement for the future. I took a job in a big city, got an apartment, and a girlfriend (who felt healthy and good for me, for once). I had a lot of friends in the city. I was about as set as a person can be to blaze forward. I developed an unfortunate bout of depression. I quit the job, gave up the apartment, isolated the friends, left the city, became codependent as * on said girlfriend to the point of severe internal discomfort. I now live back at home on the fold out couch and can't really bring myself to look for food+bev jobs let alone live my life. I fear I will always end up back here.
The irony of the situation is that my mental health really began to decline around the time I decided to cut my extremely toxic parents out of my life. I told them I would call them. I talked myself into moving back to my hometown to "regroup" under the delusion that I would not contact them. I told myself of course I would never find myself living back here. I feel utterly defeated. Did this really happen? Did I really give up a handful of good things, financial independence, my own space, for this?
I have been looking deeper into the source of my dysfunction and ongoing internal anguish. I have always seen myself as strong, as a survivor, but haven't realized that merely surviving, blazing forward, cannot be the sole solution. As soon as I decided to unpack my childhood, I realized I couldn't remember it. This is odd for me, because I believe the last time I came knocking on this proverbial door, I had a much better memory. It seems I have shredded through a lot of pertinent information. I am no longer entirely sure what was so traumatizing. I know that my father is an extreme narcissist. I know that the sound of his voice, the slam of a door, the sound of feet on the stairs, the sound of my parents talking, the sound of my dad yelling from another room (even the most innocuous things - like to ask me if I am home) causes me visceral anxiety. I know that he hurt me physically a few times, but the emotional abuse is hard to pin down. It doesn't seem describable. It feels all encompassing and insidious.
I cannot help but feel like I am made entirely of the disgusting parts of my father, shame, joylessness and the need to push forward/survive in whatever way it takes. Mostly this has just meant foregoing any sense of self, any preference, foregoing risk, calculating decisions to the point that I am not even sure what I want, who I am or where I would be if I actually made choices based on happiness and not desperation.
TLDR: I can't remember much of the past week let alone anything discrete from childhood. My relationships with others have deteriorated in a way I never thought possible (I am, for the first time, almost completely alone. I would generally consider myself a popular person). I'm depressed and anxious but it feels much deeper and more difficult to overcome than a depression episode. All of my coping mechanisms have gotten in the way of my developing any real sense of self. I'm living back at home with my narcissist father (and a mother who is equally baffling), who makes me feel sick, disgusted and upset every minute that we occupy the same home.
I wonder - could anything that bad have really happened? I feel utterly stuck in life. I cannot fathom building a life that reflects who I am and what I want and making it stick.
I am searching for other people who feel the way I feel, who really, really know their parent(s) are not good and do not give love. I am looking for people who have found relief, a way through, who have felt the same level of hopelessness and have found some kind of relief. Does therapy really work? Does taking on responsibility (apartment, job, friendships) again after a breakdown help, or should I wait while I work through things? I feel incredibly fragile. Why now? What opens the floodgates? Could all of this "breaking down" be positive? Do I have to feel this way before I get better? Do these things follow a trajectory? I want to be entirely new because everything I am feels in some way a product of him. Is it ok to want to transform entirely?
Thank you!
The past few months have been the hardest of my life. I graduated from a good school about a year ago with decent grades, a really solid and wide-reaching network of friends, single (weirdly an accomplishment for me), and a lot of excitement for the future. I took a job in a big city, got an apartment, and a girlfriend (who felt healthy and good for me, for once). I had a lot of friends in the city. I was about as set as a person can be to blaze forward. I developed an unfortunate bout of depression. I quit the job, gave up the apartment, isolated the friends, left the city, became codependent as * on said girlfriend to the point of severe internal discomfort. I now live back at home on the fold out couch and can't really bring myself to look for food+bev jobs let alone live my life. I fear I will always end up back here.
The irony of the situation is that my mental health really began to decline around the time I decided to cut my extremely toxic parents out of my life. I told them I would call them. I talked myself into moving back to my hometown to "regroup" under the delusion that I would not contact them. I told myself of course I would never find myself living back here. I feel utterly defeated. Did this really happen? Did I really give up a handful of good things, financial independence, my own space, for this?
I have been looking deeper into the source of my dysfunction and ongoing internal anguish. I have always seen myself as strong, as a survivor, but haven't realized that merely surviving, blazing forward, cannot be the sole solution. As soon as I decided to unpack my childhood, I realized I couldn't remember it. This is odd for me, because I believe the last time I came knocking on this proverbial door, I had a much better memory. It seems I have shredded through a lot of pertinent information. I am no longer entirely sure what was so traumatizing. I know that my father is an extreme narcissist. I know that the sound of his voice, the slam of a door, the sound of feet on the stairs, the sound of my parents talking, the sound of my dad yelling from another room (even the most innocuous things - like to ask me if I am home) causes me visceral anxiety. I know that he hurt me physically a few times, but the emotional abuse is hard to pin down. It doesn't seem describable. It feels all encompassing and insidious.
I cannot help but feel like I am made entirely of the disgusting parts of my father, shame, joylessness and the need to push forward/survive in whatever way it takes. Mostly this has just meant foregoing any sense of self, any preference, foregoing risk, calculating decisions to the point that I am not even sure what I want, who I am or where I would be if I actually made choices based on happiness and not desperation.
TLDR: I can't remember much of the past week let alone anything discrete from childhood. My relationships with others have deteriorated in a way I never thought possible (I am, for the first time, almost completely alone. I would generally consider myself a popular person). I'm depressed and anxious but it feels much deeper and more difficult to overcome than a depression episode. All of my coping mechanisms have gotten in the way of my developing any real sense of self. I'm living back at home with my narcissist father (and a mother who is equally baffling), who makes me feel sick, disgusted and upset every minute that we occupy the same home.
I wonder - could anything that bad have really happened? I feel utterly stuck in life. I cannot fathom building a life that reflects who I am and what I want and making it stick.
I am searching for other people who feel the way I feel, who really, really know their parent(s) are not good and do not give love. I am looking for people who have found relief, a way through, who have felt the same level of hopelessness and have found some kind of relief. Does therapy really work? Does taking on responsibility (apartment, job, friendships) again after a breakdown help, or should I wait while I work through things? I feel incredibly fragile. Why now? What opens the floodgates? Could all of this "breaking down" be positive? Do I have to feel this way before I get better? Do these things follow a trajectory? I want to be entirely new because everything I am feels in some way a product of him. Is it ok to want to transform entirely?
Thank you!