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Thank you, Three Roses. I will.

Hi everyone. This is my introductory message and response to this forum. Bigboots, when you were talking about living in the UK, it brought to mind the Pink Floyd song 'Time' and the lyrics, 'hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way'. I always thought when I heard that part of the song, "Well, I'm from SD, the middle of nowhere in the US and we do the same thing" I was diagnosed with PTSD, when I was 19 and I had thought that I had remedied the majority of the intrusive thoughts, nightmares, overreacting, and flashbacks by the time I was 24. And I can imagine how I thought that because I wasn't 45, yet. I got it that the core reason the that people in my childhood who abused me, abused me was because they were so powerless in their own lives. It wasn't an excuse. It didn't make it okay. It was just very clear that life was already dealing them their own justice and quite frankly, I feel saddened at the level of depravity in which they have always lived. I'm just not going to be the one to the rescue.  I had also developed a drinking problem from the age of 19 to 21 and decided to partake in a recovery program. I threw myself into it, identified myself as incurable and dutifully went by the book to the letter. Any mention of pain, or trauma, or sadness in those rooms was the result of not properly working the program. Meanwhile it did give me a sense of power, knowing I could hurt other people, which was huge, because I wasn't taking responsibility for my actions (know any 21 year olds who do that perfectly?) and I realized that my relationships would change for the better with other people if I did. However, complete abnegation of my softer, more vulnerable nature was another outcome and I became 'responsible' for everything which resulted in a marriage where the individual was 'disabled' (liked drugs), had two children of whom neither parent worked, just me (a lot) and lived 11 years with someone who wanted more highs sexually, lots of gaslighting and hovering, and I could never finish my college education because someone had to be responsible for the kids and the bills. Divorced him once I realized that we were both going to be homeless if I didn't, and like UK, the laws in the US, at least in NM at the time were such that because of his 'disabled' status, if he was abusive, I had to move and there were no consequences, and if I wasn't living with him, the state would take care of him, but if I lived with him and we became homeless, I would be in trouble for neglect. Meanwhile he was a skilled artisan and craftsman capable of making a living, but preferred to smoke pot all day, take too many of his meds and putz around the house. So, then straight on to the next husband who goes into rages, dominates conversation, and is a severe person who talks to me like I'm a child (technically noone should talk to a child the way he does) and I have been with him for nine years. I have gone into this spiral of not even being able to decide if I should wash the dishes first, work on my computer, or clean the cat box because I have just lost the ability to generate a sense of order from my own being due to the relentless criticism and rages. I'm an intelligent and gifted person. I am close to very accomplished people, who I am very comfortable with and trust and I just haven't been able to stop chasing my tail because I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. So, I have a friend, who is a distinguished professor of psychology for over 35 years who wants to know why I'm not doing certain things.  I express to her that I'm afraid my husband will interfere with anything that I'm doing and will say something derogatory. She said, "Of course you do, that's from PTSD. So what? Take small steps and sit with it" And I said "F---, that's right. I forgot"  I live in my head so much, that 20 years of my life disappeared. In so many ways, I have been strong and savvy when I'm in a regular social environment and when people have verbal diarrhea about things they know nothing about, if they are tempting to engage me, I will express to them in one way or the other that their opinion has nothing to do with someone else's experience. I can freely call my close friends idiots in lively conversation. I'm comfortable with my friends, in general, that they will love and accept me no matter what. I have great friends and for sure the work that I have done on myself over the years has paid off in spades in that area of my life. But the husband thing sent me into a tail spin and now I've crashed.  Authority figures in general make me nervous. I'm terrified to make a mistake at work or at home and I'm always afraid something really bad is going to happen to me in those environments. When authority figures attack me, I just shut down and lose the ability to think or respond. I have enough wherewithal to look at my husband and state to him that the person he is talking about is not the person who is standing in front of him and know it and mean it, but I have been spending time hiding from him in the television, alcohol, hiding in my bedroom, anything that doesn't force me to engage him for any length of time because I can't bear to hear another negative word coming out of his mouth. And I know the path forward is keeping myself involved in productive things for my life to minimize my exposure to him, but I just didn't recognize my symptoms until 4 days ago. So the best I have for responding to negativity with my most challenging relationships has been that I know my center, even though I have been spinning around it. As far as others, I'm selective in who I share information with because I know from experience that some people are just not equipped to handle it and I really don't discuss it in general, unless it is relevant to a present conversation. I have had very good luck with my healthcare practitioners over the years as well and I can trust myself in being discerning about who I want treatment from. On the other hand, with my husband, my response to his negativity is like I'm being electrocuted. Maybe not useful, but truthful. This was a back door way to intruduce myself, but the topic spoke to me, so this is where I made camp. Thank you for being here.