Messages

Thank you so much, sanmagic7   It's encouraging to hear of others with the same issues, such as yourself. Also inspiring to hear of your determination to keep plugging away and getting more adept at these thing some of us missed out on, little by little..

Thanks so much, Three Roses, for the kinds words of support. 
Yeah, I don't know how I'd make it without this friend, who did come over and made me feel cared for. I've read so often and in so many places of the importance of doing this for yourself--being your own best friend, your own kind and caring parent that you never had. But I haven't got the hang of it.  I suppose it's a worthy goal to shoot for. I never seem to feel soothed by it when it's coming from myself...

Hello all-

I'm feeling quite hopeless at the moment. I have one wonderful friend in the world . He's on his way over right now to help me feel better, and I'm oh so grateful to have such a person in this cold and lonely world. I'd  had the same boyfriend for five years prior to a little over a year ago when he left me in a very hurtful and cruel way and took up with someone else across the country, where he moved to. I've been steadily getting over that trauma, but then a couple of days ago when I was going over dvd's I'd recorded (mostly of my son), I came across a little segment on one of them. It was my ex-boyfriend. I was pointing out how to use the camcorder. Then his voice says, "YOU're the genius...", to which I responded lightheartedly, "I never said that." Then he said, "Neither did anyone else. There's a reason. You're not very bright." I laughed it off at the time--he often "joked" like this, but hearing his voice saying this after all this time has really knocked me for a loop (probably thrown me into flashback mode). I tried to heal from the pain of that cruel discard and rejection by starting another relationship with a man, but after eight months of never being told anything remotely affectionate, even something as benign as "I'm happy to see you!", I finally asked him if he could see us being together for a while into the future, and the response was not what I had hoped. It left me feeling, exposed, ashamed and unwanted. So I broke it off with him. But I'm feeling so intensely lonely with the multiple rejections---really having a hard time dealing with it. :falling bricks: I admire/envy those who seem to be fine on their own---my experience being alone is not so pleasant. It terrifies me, in fact.

Thanks for listening/

Hi Arpy-

I'm rooting for you!
In response to some stuff you wrote earlier about the difficulty in having access to a therapist---forgive me if this is too late and you're not concerned with that anymore--but, is there anyone you trust with whom you could do a co-counseling type thing, with even just one other person? I really feel for/relate to you vis-a-vis the guilt of STILL having issues, and being very hard on yourself for it--- :falling bricks:. I was on this forum about a year ago, as "Serkinglight"--tried to get back on as such but couldn't remember my password, so now I'm "Resurgent". Anyway, you responded to me with great kindness and got very angry on my behalf as I recall. It helped immeasurably--felt so supportive at the time, so thanks!! It saddens me to see you not feeling you have a right to all the totally justifiable feelings you've had... I know that trap all too well...

I love that first cup of freshly-brewed coffee in the morning. And sitting down with it and saying to myself, "Hmm....what would I love to do today?" It's been happening more and more lately.

Hi, Glassbox-

What you describe rings a bell with me, too--despite years upon years in therapy, nothing seemed to make a dent in the deep and abiding shame I've felt for most of my life, nor could I ever discover the source of/get control over that nasty inner critic. Continued with therapy anyway, but had internally lost hope that it could effect any change---UNTIL----drum roll-----I heard about CPTSD and read Pete Walker's book.

One thing I've done recently and has had a HUGE impact on how I've felt lately, and my sense that's there's been movement, actual forward motion, in my recovery, is EMDR. Is that available where you are? My previous therapist, when I expressed interest in trying it said "people tend to oversell that," and seemed to discourage me from doing it. But I can vouch for its effectiveness, where I'm concerned, at least.