As a child, my escape from my tormentors, at school & at home, was isolation... hide, try to be invisible, keep a low profile, etc, etc...
At the age of 14, I discovered alcohol (that was over 40 years ago). I've been through the depths of completely out of control, to total sobriety ranging from months to years, and everything in between.
I've generally managed to remain highly functional, and most people who know me "in public" would never guess me to be an addict.
I've done 30 day inpatient treatment, AA, and therapy sessions, all of which touched the nerve of my addiction, but only served to open Pandora's box, then send me along with well wishes.
After my son died on 2004, I learned meditation & the blessing of "inner child" work. I have grown immensely from doing this. I have a sense of self I never knew through my childhood, adolescence, or early adulthood.
Still, my brain keeps me fearful, hypervigilant, and still wanting to hide from the scary world. And so, my old friend ( beer) always calms my fears... and also numbs.
At my age, the battles have taken their toll... I'm tired! My grown children want me to stop drinking. They're concerned about my future health, esp since their dad has terminal cancer.
They want me to "care enough" about their concerns to stop. I know what that effort entails!!
I had been working with a psychologist, doing EMDR therapy, for almost a year in 2011. That seemed more effective than anything else (except for my inner child work). But the treatments seemed to shut down my cognitive function for a day or two, which became a problem with trying to do my job. We tried amending the treatments, to be less intense, but after awhile it became clear that I couldn't function in my job and continue the treatments. I had to choose my job. I have to survive.
Now my relationship with my kids is strained. They just want me to stop. I feel torn in so many directions! I'm the financial provider for myself & my ill husband. My job is very demanding but it pays the bills. I am there for my kids as much as possible, but I don't feel they see the whole picture. I've tried to talk to them about cptsd but I dunno, it's never something we can talk about. To them, the drinking is tangible. It's what they 'see' the problem to be.
Sooo frustrating!!!
At the age of 14, I discovered alcohol (that was over 40 years ago). I've been through the depths of completely out of control, to total sobriety ranging from months to years, and everything in between.
I've generally managed to remain highly functional, and most people who know me "in public" would never guess me to be an addict.
I've done 30 day inpatient treatment, AA, and therapy sessions, all of which touched the nerve of my addiction, but only served to open Pandora's box, then send me along with well wishes.
After my son died on 2004, I learned meditation & the blessing of "inner child" work. I have grown immensely from doing this. I have a sense of self I never knew through my childhood, adolescence, or early adulthood.
Still, my brain keeps me fearful, hypervigilant, and still wanting to hide from the scary world. And so, my old friend ( beer) always calms my fears... and also numbs.
At my age, the battles have taken their toll... I'm tired! My grown children want me to stop drinking. They're concerned about my future health, esp since their dad has terminal cancer.
They want me to "care enough" about their concerns to stop. I know what that effort entails!!
I had been working with a psychologist, doing EMDR therapy, for almost a year in 2011. That seemed more effective than anything else (except for my inner child work). But the treatments seemed to shut down my cognitive function for a day or two, which became a problem with trying to do my job. We tried amending the treatments, to be less intense, but after awhile it became clear that I couldn't function in my job and continue the treatments. I had to choose my job. I have to survive.
Now my relationship with my kids is strained. They just want me to stop. I feel torn in so many directions! I'm the financial provider for myself & my ill husband. My job is very demanding but it pays the bills. I am there for my kids as much as possible, but I don't feel they see the whole picture. I've tried to talk to them about cptsd but I dunno, it's never something we can talk about. To them, the drinking is tangible. It's what they 'see' the problem to be.
Sooo frustrating!!!
