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Hello LaurelLeaves - I can make a rough guess re *

And I quite agree!

I seem to have the gift of being able to repeat the last few words that someone spoke back at them when they think I'm not listening. Absolutely no idea about the rest, just the last few words. Without that gift, I'd be screwed. It's bad enough not remembering the content...I have no idea how we all get through some days. I try and lighten things by calling the lighter forms of dissociation "away with the fairies".

Mourningdove - It can take so much time to come to an understanding of such depth as to explain it to ourselves and then others. I'm (mostly) "plainclothes trans" for want of a better word. My body is unmistakably male, my brain unmistakably female. After the exorcisms when I was 15 I became addicted to drink and drugs for a couple of decades. I always knew trans was me, but it had been pushed onto the back-burner whilst I numbed out from the pain. When that phase was over I simply got by on will-power and suppression alone. During this time I simply continued to lose my identity in a monumental effort to fit in, to have a career, to be a good husband etc etc. Of course, it all fell apart. Badly.

It was only after my breakdown that a chance remark from a friend jogged my mind and, through the dissociative haze, I regained my perspective. It was both liberating and another incredible loss, decades wasted in a space that was in no way me.

Dysphoria is painful, I know. But I had spent so many years dealing with monsters that dwarfed that pain. Now my mind is returning to more nuanced and reasoned perspectives (even though my trauma brain throws * at it every day) myself and my birth gender are feeling increasingly out of kilter. But that's science...it's a fact that some of us are born trans...I try to see myself as a whole and not divided. In part this is me giving the finger to my exorcism-happy father who thought I was some kind of mistake. I'm not. We're not! So I dress how I wish to express myself from time to time - am changing body shape to fit into my wardrobe and wear less of the wrong clothing and see how that goes. It may lead to increased feelings of dysphoria, it may not, I have no idea. But I do know there comes a time.

I'm sorry if this has little in the way of solutions or answers for you  but I would also like to applaud and thank you for your honesty and courage in bringing this up. I rarely talk about it because I know where I am with it - more or less - and am very fortunate in that regard. I hope you find the path through the wood that makes the most sense with the least pain. Much love, flooky

Hello Youla,

Reading through the excellent replies, it occurs to me that I have little to add.

But I know how frustrating and scary it can be to not be able to trust the brain. The lines are so blurred, is it me, is it illness, is it perception, is it the reality..? I just wanted to add this single consideration and I hope it helps; if not please feel free to dismiss it without a second thought. CPTSD and PTSD can be intimidating conditions to be around at times. Perhaps there are times, with the best will in the world, your partner doesn't know how to approach the illness, or is afraid to? Most people fear suffering, and that includes the suffering of others. It robs them of the right words to say, even though at times there are no right words to say. But people get very uncomfortable if they don't have the right words, even if it's an impossibility.

The situation is obviously making you question your perceptions, but not in the healthiest of ways. Perhaps some time apart to apply  some solutions, learn to give yourself the compassion and love you need? One ounce of love and support coming from you to you is worth a ton of it coming from elsewhere.

I wish you every happiness.

Hello rabbit - Firstly, although I have never been in as much pain as you I certainly recognise the voice that tells you that you are damned and a worthless piece of @#~~** Finally, I worked it out, it wan't my voice but the "voice of CPTSD" and once I had made that division clear in my mind I could at least choose not to believe that voice.

I truly wish for happiness and healing and non-flammable fur for you, dear twinklefroot.

Unknown, welcome.  Although the causes of our trauma are very different, I just wanted to say that trauma is a liar when it comes to what it has to say about us. My brain hates me and tells me this many, many times a day but I get by through not believing those thoughts. Of course, something else may be much more helpful for you, and that would be brilliant because you you deserve help, understanding, and love. The best of luck and I hope you find loads of good here. You'll certainly find loads of goodwill from those who have also gone through the * of it all, one way or another.

Hello Spirals, as someone who grew up around untreated schizophrenia (apart from exorcisms) of a much older sibling I can fully appreciate the impact that this has had. Transfer all of that to a supposed care-giver and I can well imagine the pain index doubling. My parents were my brothers biggest enablers and I recall the sheer confusion at the sheer stupidity of it all. Anyways, I hope you find lots of useful information and the solace of being understood here. And well done. Getting this far is a huge, monumental effort.

Only the truth is truly helpful. Might cause people to spin right out, but what do lies ever achieve? Good on your for stating your truth and making that stand.

My parents were wonderful if you happened to be a born-again evangelic "Christian". As my siblings were, they only had the wonderful side. As I wasn't, I had the exorcisms and worse.  It's hard...a very real form of abandonment. Just to say I know exactly where you are coming from. I can't blame my siblings, not their fault. And they have no idea of what happened as I am the youngest by a long, long way. They had left home when the madness began. I haven't told them about what happened as I don't like to wreck their idealised image of our parents. As my parents are both deceased I would like the happy memories my brothers and sister in laws have of them to be unsullied.

Sometimes I think that we must be the best employees to have because our need for activity can be so acute. Sadly it does lead to burn outs which, on top of the trauma, is the last thing anyone needs. I hope you recover well, and find helpful information and solace here, your English is excellent, by the way.

No need to apologise for feeling down! No-one arrives here in fine fettle ready to take on the world!

Milarepa,

How's the tower building going?

(Buddhist joke)

I must say that I find your appraisal of the 'fake it til you make it' really interesting. The whole thing swings around the word 'fake'. Yes, we all had to fake and duck and dive and pretend...well, I had to. Faking confidence is entirely different to putting in place the causes for confidence. I suppose it's the sheer laziness of the phrase - 'fake it 'til you make it' and that it's probably written by a normal for other normals. We need more than platitudes that scan pleasingly and that work for non-traumatised folk.

I have been enthusiastic about x, y and z in the past and then pulled back and disappeared often without fully knowing why; and it feels horrible and...and...and...

Anyways, I am so glad you have found it in yourself to return; God alone knows if any one group of people are going to understand what you have described re falling off the edge of a cliff emotionally and all the inconsistencies that bring up, it's us as we do it ourselves. But I am well impressed by the determination you have and glad to see you are still here! Thanks for the effort, I know it's not easy but isolation is even harder and brings no rewards whereas discussion and venting and communicating with understanding souls most certainly does have its rewards.

Look forward to seeing and chatting with you! Flooky

Thank you all very much. It was frustrating not yo be able to leave you a short note saying what was happening but hey. All's well that ends well...errr...kind of...

Sorry for the lack of froot guys. I depend on a 3G connection at my flat in Oswestry for a net connection. Said 3G signal has gone very wonky due to problems with the mobile phone mast. To compound matters I haven't stayed at my wifes place for a couple of weeks (where there is wi-fi). Am back there now and can finally assure you all that I've not forgotten about you lovely people! Will reply and update and catch up over the next few days. Have to stop now as fibromyalgia is a bit flare uppy. Love you! Flooky x