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That's exactly what it was Cat, "being tricked out of your right to grieve".   I remember being sad but the overwhelming emotion was confusion.   My M had already installed in me "correct" behavior for sympathizing with people in grief but here I was being treated in a totally different way.   Very surreal.    It was around that time that I actually had a theory going that I was just an experiment and not part of the same human race that my parents were!    Makes me think of "The Truman Show" now!

I was CHEATED out of so much and now I'm really angry but still don't know how to grieve and feel the way normal people do.

What do you think Zazu.   Is any of this giving more perspective to your ocean?

Grey homogenous mass, no great discerning vivid features.    Looks innocuous enough but when you realise (insert: start to think) that any few gallons could kill you; it becomes quite overwhelming.   How to control such all pervading features of your life?

In my own way I can relate to that.   Thanks for the image!

Just on the death parts I had several memories come up in quick succession.

1)  M met my father and I (8 years old) on the road as I was driving back from school.  My father left us at high speed.   No explanation despite my questions and after 3 days when my father returned I learnt that my best friend Granddad had gone to a happy place to rest.   About 2 weeks later I learnt that he had died.   

2)  My elder, slightly handicapped, brother died when I was 20 - rushed home from work and went to hug my M - brushed aside because how could I possibly feel anything compared to a mothers grief.  Was later told what a relief I must be feeling!

3)  On my last but one trip to FOO (England) about 6 years ago I kept walking into the house as my close Uncle was leaving.   When I returned to Asia I found out that he had been meeting a Dr there and had prostrate cancer.  I asked for his new phone number but M would not give it to me as I would only upset him.   He died 2 weeks later.

Being deprived the learning and healing effects of grief doesn't give grief much focus or colour!   But its there all the same.   Hope we can all learn how to grieve (with tears preferably) and find a warmer place to live.

Hi Lovely - Not sure what IBS is but I agree that a balanced diet and exercise are an essential part of health.   Exercise is such a natural way to lift spirits and bring your body back to itself.   We've had millions of years where working, to some extent, would provide the framework of our existence.  Around this framework we would fit in sleeping, body functions, eating.  Today we have much more choice and rather than gardening or hunting our work is usually not physical.   I have to act on this more often myself as I can get very lazy.  Exercise gets tiring!   

Funnily enough I have just reached a section in Pete Walkers book where he talks about somatic reactions.   Chapter 13,  (kindle book page 251 onwards).  Her reckons that one should be as mindful as possible about it.  Stay with the pain and learn about it for what it is.   Use the tools we have to shrink the critic, soothe the child etc. and it will then become more manageable or dissolve.

Bad paraphrasing but I do find his book quite hard going!  Also just another insight into how much I'm going to have to get through to get a handle on this CPTSD!  Or to look on the bright side, its a great opportunity for me to get a little more in touch with my feelings.

Hi BM   I noticed that I started a thread about the books and things being overwhelming and that you had a similar thread going in another section.
I can't remember being physically ill as a child but lately I am suffering from stomach pains, muscle aches, headaches, insomnia (more than before - maybe) and I think that it may be related to what I am facing on this journey. 

It's totally out of character to show weakness for me and have no idea how to deal with it.  I am plagued with self doubt about everything.   It feels as if my world is falling apart which in a way it is - I have to learn a new way of dealing and interacting with almost every aspect of my existence.  It frankly very scary - which of course exacerbates psychogenic pain (thank you keepfighting) and insomnia.

I went on a visit to England to see my FOO in September, I got an out break of shingles which is still with me today.   All my life I have been very regular and quick in the bowel department (TMI?) but that has all gone to s***  since about 3 weeks ago!  I think its psychosomatic (another word is somatoform) but whatever, I wish I knew when it is going to decease.  At the moment my fatigue is making me into a zombie. 

I'm not sure if me complaining about it like this is very manly but I am doing it in the name of getting in touch with my feelings.  I really don't know what the best thing to be doing is at all!  I'm taking a leap of faith that a little bit 'inner critic bashing' here and 'inner child loving' there, mindfulness here, righteous indignation/anger there is the way to go.

Hope we both pull out of this stage soon if it is a stage!

I agree that this thread shows that you have courage and you didn't abandon yourself.

It appears that he is not emotionally mature enough to take the role of councilor.  I have very limited experience with Ts but it seems that there are an awful lot of incompetent ones out there.   I am also looking for a T myself and would have been wounded by his selfish righteousness about forcing you to humiliate yourself -  maybe visualize his counseling certificate being nailed to to his pompous 'holier than thou' forehead - not sure if that's particularly helpful but I don't like him.

The shame is not yours, its his.

I can't agree with you more Mary.  I moved from 'civilized' England to 3rd World, despotic government abused Myanmar about 20 years ago.  I had never felt to alive.   

People are not judgmental.  My kids are safe in the streets.   Social order and genuine human empathy have not been replaced but lawyers and self glorifying sitcoms here.   

"Economic Progress", an oxymoron if ever I heard one. 

Yes, insomnia, wondering what I'm not doing, the bliss of "pre CPTSD" ignorance!

Just venting really, I realise that its taken me a long time to get to here so it's likely to take a long time to undo those things.

Thanks for the validating replies, it really does help to know someone else gets it.

And I hadn't seen that Friends episode but I searched through my daughters vcds and found it!  That's about how I will be proceeding for the time being until I can get a competent T.

Hello everyone.   Haven't been here for a week or so because I had to take my family to the beach.  (Hard life)

I took the opportunity to get into Peter Walker's book which in many respects is extremely insightful.   He seems to cover all aspects of CPTSD which is good but in some ways its tricky to know where to start.  Its 'difficult to see the wood for the trees' and I find that quite terrifying.   I was so happy to have come to roost when I found out about complex PTSD but now I feel or can see so more clearly what is wrong in my life that it all looks a bit daunting - almost impossible.

Years and years of compounding the problems caused by my childhood are not going to get a quick fix if ever they will be at all.  I think that 1/2 understanding what happens to me with EFs and negative thinking are causing me to spend more time in self contemplation than before.  This is very tiresome and frankly I feel like I need a holiday!

Mr Walker also has an answer for everything.  This is part of the 2 steps forward, 1 back process I guess.  I just hope that I'm on the right road at last because it looks like a long one starting off with a long tunnel.  Its all a bit emotionally draining and I've only just started scratching the surface.

Well, there enough metaphors for a while!  Hope someone can relate to what I'm trying to say.

Downloaded The Bible book yesterday and reading it chronologically.   Seems like he knows what he's talking about - just hope I don't let him down.

 'Not gregarious' is a bit tongue in cheek but I didn't want to talk to anyone.   Not quite mute but a great effort to even pass niceties of the day.  Not very good for my job when I'm trying to negotiate a deal.

Getting to know my emotions is something I'm going to have to work on.   I have very few joys even though I have many things to be thankful for.  I can't pinpoint what my emotions are other than a prevailing sense of unease.   If someone asks me "How do you feel?" my gut response  is "What do you mean?".   

I remembered something this morning and it seems to be another piece of the jigsaw puzzle I'm trying to put together.   I remember about 15 years ago a work colleague (he'd probably had a bad day) ridiculing me and asking me in front of my peers why I always had a fixed smile on my face.   I had no answer and rather than be humiliated again I stopped it (with difficulty) there and then.  I was in my late 30's at the time but now I have the answer.  I was conditioned to always put on a good face in public by my M.  This of course entailed smiling all the time to show the world what a happy family with a superb matriarch looked like!   Its not much but it makes sense to me.

The "sudden intense anger" stemmed from not being heard, I think.   Being insignificant, being ignored, something like that.   Thanks for your ideas Kizzie.

Just realising that I've had some episode, that can now be isolated and studied, is a relief in itself. Whether it is dissociation, EF or general madness it needn't be at the core of my being. Peeling back the layers of an onion is so descriptive and I feel I make progress each time something new is revealed.   I'm having trouble relating this to a childhood event but I feel that I'm on the right lines.   Great empathy bHeart, thanks.

Pete Walker,  Pete Walker, Pete, Pete, Pete!!  Having trouble getting his book here in Asia so I will compromise (something I don't like to do!) and download the e-version to read on my computer.   Seems like it's almost mandatory reading if you want to take this class!   Looking forward to starting it.  Cat's "Flashback me" ticks most of the boxes - only concerned that I might be making another type of 'episode' (psychotic, manic, paranoid or something) fit into a convenient box of the CPTSD self diagnosis.

Thanks for being here.

Thanks for the reply Cat.  Not so sure about how to describe its intensity - feels fairly significant to me.  My whole world just took a paradigm shift for 48 hours.  Probably be OK tomorrow. I went out this afternoon, which although quite draining, is the best thing I can do to get things on an even keel again.   Problem is that I am not very gregarious (to put it mildly) when this happens that interferes with my job and relationships.

Maybe you can point me towards an explanation of the hallmarks of EFs.  Thanks.

A couple of nights ago my wife became annoyed ostensibly because our maid had locked the bedroom door and we didn't have a key to get in.  She became more and more worked up including shouting at me and my eldest daughter, slamming things around. hitting herself (with frustration),  I found it quite unsettling but my daughter said she thought it was quite amusing.  Eventually she went into the younger kids bedroom and continued to rant, therefore waking them up.

At this point I kicked our bedroom door in and felt justified puling my wife physically out of the kids room.  Whilst I was doing this I realised that I wanted to shake some sense into her, punish her maybe and had I been drinking may have physically hit her. I didn't, thank god, although to my chagrin I have done so in the past.  After that we all settled down and went to bed peaceably.

The next morning I spoke to my wife quietly about trying to control her moods when this happens.  She said she can't do anything about it but I asked her again, to just try.   Now 36 hours after the event I still feel strange.  I feel unable to communicate with my wife (maybe for fear that it will end up in another fight).  I'm not really sure what I feel to be honest.  I don't want to go out of the house, although I will later.   I don't have energy, I feel empty and alone.

Everyone else has put this incidence behind them but for me it's still at the forefront of my mind.  I guess I feel wronged and want some justice or something.  Maybe I'm feeling shame for wanting to harm her.

Does this feeling I'm having fall into the category of EF?
I can't easily recall incidences from my childhood that are reminiscent of this.

Thanks Kizzie for the kind words.  I'm also suspicious that I may have been trying to do this to early - I think it was Rain that suggested that it might be easier to get your Critic under control first before doing too much with the Child.  I wish there was a better road plan of how to arrive at our desired destination!

And I've started trying to do other things with my left hand like brushing teeth.  Although it may be good dental practice (love trivia), I felt very self conscious and decided I was taking too long in the shower.   Not sure if my reluctance with this is; Inner child fear or just a bit too 'healy feely' (if you know what I mean) for me.  Don't want to cut myself off from this line of thought (Ha -I guess I've just answered the question to my dilemma) but also don't want to put too much faith in something so abstract.  I have a long history of only believing what I can personally see or touch - stops me getting lied and tricked all the time (maybe).

   That's the one!