Hey,
First post here. I'm on several different support forums, but I am so glad that there is one that actually exists for cPTSD. OOTF brought me over here, and I'm letting out a breath as I see so many people here who can relate. Cheers to all of you for having the courage to be here.
Over the last year or two, I've been practicing acknowledging the abuse that went on living with my borderline M. It's been hard, but I have the witness and confidence of my other siblings who, while each of us had a different relationship with her, each suffered in their own way growing up. There's a full intro over on OOTF somewhere, so I'll refrain from writing another novella here.
Most recently, I've been uncovering some extremely subtle and uncomfortable memories/sensations about the emotional incest that went on with my biological F. It came to me this year when I got triggered by touch from my boyfriend. I felt a displaced sense of anger, and realized it was at F. I realized that I have been idealizing him since I can remember--and he has been crossing about every psychological boundary I have, if not a decent amount physically as well. The subtlety of it confuses me and evokes complete fury at having been violated by someone in such passing innocence. Again, I've got details about this on OOTF.
Here is the now for me: I am angry. I have stores of anger that are pouring out like they never have. It is at my family members, and it is primitive, and loud, and uninhibited. And--it is saving my life right now. I've never felt it before, at least not as an adult. I am not a hateful person by nature. I am empathetic and truly desire for those around me to be at peace with themselves and be able to give/receive love. BUT, there is a very primal need for me to scream, and yell, and beat the ground with my entire life force because of the reality I'm coming to. The reality is that I don't want to be silenced, invalidated, and objectified anymore.
This is a new chapter of empowerment. Challenging myself to be both compassionate and openly expressive; challenging panic/triggers by exposing truths that are being swept out from under the rug. It is scary, and tiring, and painful. But there is no getting off this road now. I'm committed to healing from this, and eventually helping those around me.
First post here. I'm on several different support forums, but I am so glad that there is one that actually exists for cPTSD. OOTF brought me over here, and I'm letting out a breath as I see so many people here who can relate. Cheers to all of you for having the courage to be here.
Over the last year or two, I've been practicing acknowledging the abuse that went on living with my borderline M. It's been hard, but I have the witness and confidence of my other siblings who, while each of us had a different relationship with her, each suffered in their own way growing up. There's a full intro over on OOTF somewhere, so I'll refrain from writing another novella here.
Most recently, I've been uncovering some extremely subtle and uncomfortable memories/sensations about the emotional incest that went on with my biological F. It came to me this year when I got triggered by touch from my boyfriend. I felt a displaced sense of anger, and realized it was at F. I realized that I have been idealizing him since I can remember--and he has been crossing about every psychological boundary I have, if not a decent amount physically as well. The subtlety of it confuses me and evokes complete fury at having been violated by someone in such passing innocence. Again, I've got details about this on OOTF.
Here is the now for me: I am angry. I have stores of anger that are pouring out like they never have. It is at my family members, and it is primitive, and loud, and uninhibited. And--it is saving my life right now. I've never felt it before, at least not as an adult. I am not a hateful person by nature. I am empathetic and truly desire for those around me to be at peace with themselves and be able to give/receive love. BUT, there is a very primal need for me to scream, and yell, and beat the ground with my entire life force because of the reality I'm coming to. The reality is that I don't want to be silenced, invalidated, and objectified anymore.
This is a new chapter of empowerment. Challenging myself to be both compassionate and openly expressive; challenging panic/triggers by exposing truths that are being swept out from under the rug. It is scary, and tiring, and painful. But there is no getting off this road now. I'm committed to healing from this, and eventually helping those around me.