Messages

Hey,

It's been a bit, but one ways that has been helping me is working with my inner child.

Firstly I started doing the vitamin breaks, what are like time of day, where I take a fruit/vedgetable break. I cut them up and put on a plate for my inner child to enjoy. It helps me be more disciplined and create a healtier routine, because I have a responsibility infront of my inner child.

Another thing. Lately there us a guy in my life. He knows about my inner child and cptsd. He is very kind and supportive. He kinda became the father figure. Not in a freaky way or anything like that. Mostly he's been trying to get my inner child out more. Make me play and have fun and smile. We even wondered if we have been good parents. It's kinda sweet.

I don't think my inner child minds his presence. She quite likes it. I do feel supported.

It's all very healing. I feel apprehensive though about the future. It's all just a new territory for me. I don't know much about inner children and that is a topic where I need to research more.

I can't get to therapy now. I am in waitlist, but it's a 2 year long waitlist.

Hey journal,

been away, because dealing with alot. My emotions have been going like a storm inside and even had a mini panic attack and some new feelings today all due to a man who's picture I haven't even seen yet. I'm really careful with this all as I know how easilly trauma can blur the feelings. I'm trying to differentiate what are actual signals of being in love vs CPTSD attachment. So that's my update. I feel like he deserves to mingle with people his own age and not with someone like me. My tears just drizzled down today. These emotions that this guy has made me feel have been more intense than any other guys.

Sounds familiar, Ran. I have "stories" running through my head pretty much permanently. For me, when I become aware of what I'm doing, I try to "return to my body". It's slow. Very slow. But it's having an effect.

Yes slow for me too. It seems to depend on how intence the reaction is. There are times, where no one can calm me down and I'm having a panic attack. Sometimes grounding helps. You kinda feel slowly coming back.

That sounds really hard, Ran. I'm really glad you've had the helpline - reaching out there when you're struggling takes courage. It's also good that you have the psychiatrist appointment coming up; that's an important step, even if it feels far away right now. You deserve proper support, not just to manage on your own. In the meantime, you're not alone here, and it's okay to take this one small step at a time.

Thank you. Hugs. I feel that there has been some progress. Mostly been talking to a guy what has kept me distracted and also I didn't freak out if he didn't understand me fully, but he was calming me down. I was triggered by some stuff. But I'm proud I was able to handle it much better than previously.

I had trauma responce. At least now I can tell if something is a trauma responce, but it somehow feels unbelivable, because my mind runs scenes like movies and if some one describes something possibly triggering, then it goes off.

I've been chatting with some people and over a long time I felt oh I like to chat with these people. I was feeling warm inside. I don't know why. I don't know them even too well. Just chatting about normal stuff is fun.

I agree, Ran, connection is so important for me and helps me regulate. I connected with two people this week and it was very beneficial.
 

I'm talking to a person second day straight. He has very calming precence and it made me comfortable. I worry that my cptsd may interfiere, but right now I just enjoy talking. It's been amazing talking to him as he don't seem judgy. Though I keep rational mind.

I've been chatting with some people and over a long time I felt oh I like to chat with these people. I was feeling warm inside. I don't know why. I don't know them even too well. Just chatting about normal stuff is fun.

Reaching out is helpful if you're feeling lonely Ran.  Do you have a therapist who can also help you work on this?

Not right now. Only person I've talked to about it all is an helpline person. I have psychiatrist appointment coming up on the 22nd of December, where I'll try to get referred to a psychologist or something as I have no funds for therapy on my own.

Thank you.   

Things can be like a cycle for everyone, not just our community. I think the internet has been wonderful in recent years for giving us places where we can engage when we need/want to and can pull back a little if we need a break.

It's definetly true. I don't remember having such needyness before. Now people are available for you 24/7 thanks to online enviroments. I was needy, but not in this level. I've been feeling void inside too.

But trauma doesn't separate things neatly.

Yeah it makes things into a blurry mess.

Went back to one server where left a bit due to feeling overwhelmed with bunch of new people. It was nice to be back and chat as I was feeling lonely. I chatted a lot and told them.
It's usually like I'm lonely, chat, feel lonely agan, no energy, want to chat. It's a cycle.

I wanted to put in writing my identity journey as well. Contains TW: suicidal, body dysmorphia.

In 2020, on my 30th birthday, my identity crisis hit full force. I was reading a lot of BL manga at the time and my mind jumped from how would it feel to be a man to what if I actually was one. That single thought changed something in me. It made me suicidal and I started having intrusive thoughts

The truth is I had already been questioning in my 20s. A teacher once told me that in our profession we are gender neutral. I took it literally because I wanted to seem professional, so I tried to imagine what being neutral meant. I experimented a little, but I had no real understanding of gender at the time. I thought gender neutrality meant erasing my gender altogether. That misunderstanding pushed me into a terrible panic attack, so I stopped trying.

But on my 30th birthday, the crisis came back ten times stronger.
The moment I thought, what if I was a man? I broke down. I was shaking, crying, trembling everywhere. It was like a shock running through my whole body. I looked into the mirror and didn't recognize myself. The eyes were mine, but everything else looked distorted, almost monstrous. In hindsight, that's when my body dysmorphia truly surfaced, because even before all this, I was already obsessing over my reflection, avoiding mirrors and wanting to smash them out of frustration.

Looking back further, it makes sense. As a kid I was tomboyish and rebellious. I didn't fit typical expectations. I spoke my mind loudly. But I was constantly pushed into caretaker roles like babysitting, being the responsible one. I felt like people were trying to box me into something that wasn't me.

Before any gender questioning started I was already wrestling with my sexuality. I never labeled it back then, but I suspected I was a lesbian. I buried that thought deep because I knew it wouldn't be accepted. I was much less open-minded back then and I carried a lot of internalized homophobia. Thankfully I don't anymore.

But trauma doesn't separate things neatly. My sexuality and my gender questioning overlapped and tangled into one overwhelming mess. That's why I talk about both together. I know they're separate, but one absolutely affected the other.

Femininity itself felt like a burden.
Not because of who I am, but because of society's expectations: marriage, motherhood, being a proper woman. None of that fit me. I felt uncomfortable being overly feminine. And on top of that, my body didn't make it easier. Fragile health, genetics and very large breasts that cause physical pain and breathing issues didn't help my relationship with my body at all, not to mention other traumatic events within unsafe enviroment.

Eventually I identified as a transgender man for two years.
I lived fully as a guy with male name, he/him pronouns. It actually felt comfortable in many ways, but my dysphoria didn't match the experiences I heard from other trans people. Something was always slightly off, but I didn't know how to name it.

I eventually got a gender dysphoria diagnosis from my psychiatrist, submitted the application and got called in front of the gender committee (psychologists, psychiatrists, a gynecologist). I thought everything would go smoothly. Instead, they told me I needed to work on my mental health first and they didn't see clear evidence of gender dysphoria.

It shocked me. I genuinely thought I was on the right path. I had prepared myself emotionally for testosterone. Hearing not yet or we don't think this fits was a punch in the gut.

The only place that helped me process everything was another forum I eventually outgrew. They supported me through the entire journey. I had some things going on, but I had formed an unhealthy attachement to the forum and due to some stuff happening I figured out that I am genderfluid as I felt that weird shift. I don't know. Someone that shift and my experiences of gender guestioning started to all make sense, even together with trauma.

After a long time now finding a label haven't made me happy. I went back to gender neutrality and I was okay, but genderfluid discovery made me happy. I don't know. It's strange.

Like sometimes I am one and other times other. Sometimes fem and other times masc or gender neutral. Sometimes I like women as a female and men, when I am more masc or gender neutral.

With gender the other thing that comes into play is sexuality, but I think bisexual does fit me best and others have said that the things I say feel like someone who is bisexual.

For the longest time bisexual term was so uncomfortable.

I think the forum was a catalyst.
The forum was a catalyst as there I first found out about euphoria and I think that my mind in ways tried to hold onto a lead to my identity, so it misfired some signals, where I fully started to think I was trangender male. I thought I felt euphoria during dissassociation episode.

And when the possibility for me to be in the forum, what was like a part of my identity was cut, then it all collapsed, which is why I lost all direction of my identity, but in ways it was good for me.

I don't well myself due to being sick and demanded for stuff like that and not taking me into consideration at all is unfair.

My grandma called me and asked if I'm at home and can chat. She wanted me to go with her for shopping my family's presents and help pick them out and because she gets dizzy on the elevator. It was a bit demanding that any day of the next week could I go. I said I'm busy and she was like is there really no day I could spare and when I said no, then she had this dissapointed voice. I mean not asking about how I feel or am at all, just go with her. She's also one of the narcissistic people.