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I get that. Words don't automatically reach the place that's hurting - especially after trust has been ruptured or a space that once felt safe suddenly turns against you. When support doesn't land, it can make the loneliness feel sharper, not softer.
I'm really glad you said all this here. It makes sense that you'd want to feel genuinely seen, not told to "just journal" or "move on." What you're describing is something many of us here recognize in our bones, which is why it doesn't feel shallow in this space. You're not alone in this. 

A little late, but I hope some hugs are okay...
 

Thank you both. Hugs.

I haven't really updated, but right now I'm trying to deal with my attachment issue. I get attached to people and spaces that show me a lot of care and love, something that I didn't get much in real life. It's really hard to deal with, because it tells and shows me all sorts of bad stuff.

I fell in love with someone online, but I told him I deal with my attachement stuff myself as he was worried about it. We haven't talked much as he is busy in university.

I also left a server for a little bit, because my mind was noisy with things that I am unimportant, no one loves or cares for me and such just from reading people chatting each other and now it's a bit quieter. Just needed a break from it.

I do feel very much lonely and depressed still and having hand pain contributes a lot to it.

I have actually started dating him. It just happened. I can tell that I do have genuine feelings, but he is a massive troll as he pushes my cptsd attachment buttons deliberately. I don't hate it all, but I just fear that once things are over as long distance relationships last rarely, then it will hit me hard also I got overwhelmed too, but that part might be too triggering, so

Trigger warning: flashback, claustrophobia, trapped, panic attack!!!


I started feeling claustrophobic, because I was suddenly put into a wife role, with no ceremonies and I had an I think it was flashback of people's faces around me watching, so I felt trapped. I got even a bit of an panic attack. I'm over it now, but it was something new.

Ouf... Ran, your post hits me right square where I am suffering... now and for two years... and since forever...

My core trauma is Attachment... my research has revealed a long family history of father/child abandonment. The men were abandoned, were all subsequently raised by mothers who had in their own trauma emotional or physical abandonment. It's a web of failed relationships from the past, the inability of each to recognize their pain as the parental dysfunction. The scenario seems to be always the same: a woman suffering abandonment who then has a  male child, thus demanding their sons to fulfill their emotional needs which in turns causes trauma in the sons... who grow up to abandon their children. Somehow this six-wheel wobble-machine has moved forward through the decades advancing like a drunken sack of aluminum cans.

I am in extreme pain at the moment. It sounds like you are experiencing painful symptoms?

For me, this deep deep core wound that occurred in-utero and I endured directly for the first four years of my life, is what keeps rising up inside me as depression and mental pain. It gets pretty severe. I'm also experiencing physical breakdown, as various parts of my body are ceasing to function without mild to severe pain on a regular basis. I think pain can trigger further pain. The pain I'm experiencing in my body is triggering fear and insecurity in my psyche... because it's now extremely painful to "work" as I've been doing the past ten years. I'm now in a very scary place. This is awakening violently that primal wound of insecurity and absence of safety. It's not the same, but it's enough to trigger my old deep wound.

When these things get triggered, we have to listen to them. Pain in the present is leading us back to the wound that was never healed. It's really really hard, but I have to "go back" and sense what the core situation was and then stumble forward in a manner that allows to come into the light... and resolve... but it's hard... it was sooooo long ago.

Crazy situation, but that's how I understand it. What you are describing sounds quite a bit similar. If not, feel free to ignore what I wrote. It's just what struck me now in this moment.

Sending support
 

I guess in my case it's the men abandoning the women, so women are expected to be strong as my households have always been run by women. Even if those men don't abandon us deliberately, then I've noticed this pattern, but I've never deeply thought about it.

My body is breaking apart. I was born weak already and it all has progressed over the years, with analyzes made in the doctors showing nothing.

I have gastritis and duodenitis and issues with kidneys. Inflammation, where the antibiotics don't help at all. I have a lot of pain due to the scoliosis and I'm not sure if it's pinched nerve. I get migraines and tinnitus. I also have hypermobility or possible heds, but it isn't figured out wich one.

It all seems to be something neurological as systematic issues were all ruled out.

I tend to be very harsh on myself and I hate everything about myself. I want to hide away and not see my body what is breaking down.

I experience panic attacks, flash backs, body convulsions and body just trembling, shaking and have high bloodpressure with dizzyness.

Also migraine aura, tension headaches and just sharp pain on top of my head, when I've been through an intense period of my life. 

Not to mention depressive episodes, intrusive imagery and thoughts. I've been passivley suicidal since 2021.

I'm not sure how I am standing. It's a complete miracle while also having born weak.

I have actually started dating him. It just happened. I can tell that I do have genuine feelings, but he is a massive troll as he pushes my cptsd attachment buttons deliberately. I don't hate it all, but I just fear that once things are over as long distance relationships last rarely, then it will hit me hard also I got overwhelmed too, but that part might be too triggering, so

Trigger warning: flashback, claustrophobia, trapped, panic attack!!!


I started feeling claustrophobic, because I was suddenly put into a wife role, with no ceremonies and I had an I think it was flashback of people's faces around me watching, so I felt trapped. I got even a bit of an panic attack. I'm over it now, but it was something new.

So far the things that have helped me

- inner child work (creating routines, creativity, storytelling);

- having supportive person in my life;

I need to do a lot more research, but these are the ways to heal I have so far.

I have huge abandonment fear and getting attached to people, so it's something I need to deal with.

Today I was sad about not being made a mod in a server as I've been mod in many other their servers, but there are new people and they do things differently. I shouldn't be like this I mean I'm an adult and they bunch of teenagers and people who are young adult. I should be able to be over it, but if they chat in their private chatrooms, then it makes me feels very much exluded. I start thinking thkngs like that no one needs me. I cried even. I feel ashamed of crying over something like this. I guess it's about inclusivity, community, friend group, feeling like you belong and are important and useful, rather than just being there and existing in a space. 

[Ran]

Good grief Ran, a 2 year wait for therapy,

It's not unusual to have a two-year wait here for therapy, especially trauma therapy. You know where I am Kizzie.
Ran, I'm in a continental European country too.

Lately there us a guy in my life. He knows about my inner child and cptsd. He is very kind and supportive. He kinda became the father figure. Not in a freaky way or anything like that. Mostly he's been trying to get my inner child out more. Make me play and have fun and smile. We even wondered if we have been good parents. It's kinda sweet.

That's lovely, Ran.

I've done a lot of inner child work too and I'm trying to think how I progressed in it. I know that reading "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron and doing some of the exercises was helpful. Also doing things like finger-painting and eventually foot-painting, neither of them being things I ever would have been allowed to as a child. There were a couple of years in which I spent a lot of time swinging at the park. Apparently, it's something that children almost need or at least it's very beneficial for them for regrouping etc so it was interesting to me how much I seemed to need it then.

It was also helpful for me to read books about child and adolescent development, basically parenting books, but with more modern ideas than my parents ever had. Also, acquiring a few new stuffies who are my therapy/healing stuffies, not childhood stuffies. If you build up a relationship with healing stuffies, sometimes just looking at them can help you find a solution, I have found, or just have a few impulses on what to do next, eg. play!

I don't remember doing much finger painting either. We did I guess try it in kindergarten. I'm not sure I liked it too much due to being quite sensitive to different sensory stuff. I didn't enjoy too much touching paint with my fingers and tracing it on paper. I did like art though and I am quite creative person. I remember when I was little and hospital due to my weak immune system I was forbidden to draw with markers, because I ruined the white sheets haha.  I do like drawing with markers, so I think I should try that more.

I need to read that book. The artists way. I have heard of it, but never read it.

This gives me a good idea to grab some child developement books from library tomorrow.

 

Good grief Ran, a 2 year wait for therapy, that's completely unacceptable! I don't know about where you live but here in Canada many therapists treat according to a sliding scale, what you can reasonably pay. It might be something to check.

Good to hear you have a friend who is trying to help you bring out your inner child. That's what I worked on first and it made such a difference that young me had some fun and began to trust adult me to look out for her.

Hope you're able to get some therapy earlier than 2 years and in the meantime, let your inner child have some fun. It's a balm to the soul or so I found.

 

I live in Estonia. It's pretty much standard here. Like to get to see any specialized doctor you must be ready to wait. I mean I lucked out with eye doctor appointment and got it to February, but it can be months and months, if not years just waiting for your turn.

And I'd go private, but those are too expensive for me. It depends, but it can be 100€+ per session and I'd need a lot of sessions. I just don't have that kind of money.

At least with waiting I have a chance to even get therapy.

I had no idea at first that this is what he was trying to do. Get my inner child out. It was unexpected when he told me. He was kinda pushing a lot of my buttons and my cptsd emotional storms got intense. 

 

Hey,

It's been a bit, but one ways that has been helping me is working with my inner child.

Firstly I started doing the vitamin breaks, what are like time of day, where I take a fruit/vedgetable break. I cut them up and put on a plate for my inner child to enjoy. It helps me be more disciplined and create a healtier routine, because I have a responsibility infront of my inner child.

Another thing. Lately there us a guy in my life. He knows about my inner child and cptsd. He is very kind and supportive. He kinda became the father figure. Not in a freaky way or anything like that. Mostly he's been trying to get my inner child out more. Make me play and have fun and smile. We even wondered if we have been good parents. It's kinda sweet.

I don't think my inner child minds his presence. She quite likes it. I do feel supported.

It's all very healing. I feel apprehensive though about the future. It's all just a new territory for me. I don't know much about inner children and that is a topic where I need to research more.

I can't get to therapy now. I am in waitlist, but it's a 2 year long waitlist.

Hey journal,

been away, because dealing with alot. My emotions have been going like a storm inside and even had a mini panic attack and some new feelings today all due to a man who's picture I haven't even seen yet. I'm really careful with this all as I know how easilly trauma can blur the feelings. I'm trying to differentiate what are actual signals of being in love vs CPTSD attachment. So that's my update. I feel like he deserves to mingle with people his own age and not with someone like me. My tears just drizzled down today. These emotions that this guy has made me feel have been more intense than any other guys.

Sounds familiar, Ran. I have "stories" running through my head pretty much permanently. For me, when I become aware of what I'm doing, I try to "return to my body". It's slow. Very slow. But it's having an effect.

Yes slow for me too. It seems to depend on how intence the reaction is. There are times, where no one can calm me down and I'm having a panic attack. Sometimes grounding helps. You kinda feel slowly coming back.

That sounds really hard, Ran. I'm really glad you've had the helpline - reaching out there when you're struggling takes courage. It's also good that you have the psychiatrist appointment coming up; that's an important step, even if it feels far away right now. You deserve proper support, not just to manage on your own. In the meantime, you're not alone here, and it's okay to take this one small step at a time.

Thank you. Hugs. I feel that there has been some progress. Mostly been talking to a guy what has kept me distracted and also I didn't freak out if he didn't understand me fully, but he was calming me down. I was triggered by some stuff. But I'm proud I was able to handle it much better than previously.

I had trauma responce. At least now I can tell if something is a trauma responce, but it somehow feels unbelivable, because my mind runs scenes like movies and if some one describes something possibly triggering, then it goes off.

I've been chatting with some people and over a long time I felt oh I like to chat with these people. I was feeling warm inside. I don't know why. I don't know them even too well. Just chatting about normal stuff is fun.

I agree, Ran, connection is so important for me and helps me regulate. I connected with two people this week and it was very beneficial.
 

I'm talking to a person second day straight. He has very calming precence and it made me comfortable. I worry that my cptsd may interfiere, but right now I just enjoy talking. It's been amazing talking to him as he don't seem judgy. Though I keep rational mind.

I've been chatting with some people and over a long time I felt oh I like to chat with these people. I was feeling warm inside. I don't know why. I don't know them even too well. Just chatting about normal stuff is fun.

Reaching out is helpful if you're feeling lonely Ran.  Do you have a therapist who can also help you work on this?

Not right now. Only person I've talked to about it all is an helpline person. I have psychiatrist appointment coming up on the 22nd of December, where I'll try to get referred to a psychologist or something as I have no funds for therapy on my own.

Thank you.