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While this was posted last year around the holidays, I wasn't a member. I have pretty much alwys spent the holidays alone. One year I got to spend Thanksgiving with my sister and her children which I deeply appreciated, she then turned around and took back her invitation for Christmas. It was the final straw for my tolerance of her insensitivity. We are now estranged.
In the 1990's, during my marriage, we adopted 3 children, each with different in utero experiences (yes it makes a huge difference) and two of them no longer want anything to do with me and the 3rd can only show up when everything is smooth sailing. And I tried to make it easy for them.  None of them have any compassion for what I have experienced so I spend another holiday by myself.
The couple of friends I have, know I am alone and still do not include me. I volunteered one year but that turned out to be more painful than being alone because at least I can pretend it's just another day.
Just recently, I thought I was moving into someone's home (and I would be with someone for the holidays) but she ended up changing her mind when her cousin needed the room.
  

[never]

geckoskittlezx7900338 I feel (relate) to all the self-judgment and criticism.

Maybe consider a few things... criticism never improves anything. It is not a motivator or a way to support positive change. In fact, it has the opposite effect. It took years but I finally recognized that the voice in my head was saying the things my abusers said, either directly or implied. Maybe spend a bit of time considering this possibility, even journaling a bit on it. Ask yourself questions like, where did this belief/thought originate and is it mine or did it come from another?

In other words, catch yourself when you start berating yourself and just stop. Take a second to forgive yourself and offer acceptance to you. Say things like, I love and accept myself.

I also reacted instead of responding but have changed that with the following technique... First, take a breath or 2 or 3. Realize you do not need to defend yourself to anyone (that means, you don't have to convince anyone of your value. NO ONE) Initially saying nothing is better than saying something that invites more vitriol or judgment from another. Eventually, you will find yourself in a position to set healthy boundaries but I don't think that time is now.

You are not pathetic but had experiences as a child that rewired your brain from trauma. We may never be normal but we can get to a place where first we feel safe and then we figure out how to thrive.

Many inner critic books (I've read many and tried most of the techniques) miss the mark for those of us with CPTSD. Try reading books more focused on loving and accepting yourself. Louise Hay is one author I recommend.

I hope this helps and please celebrate yourself because you joined this forum.
Beth

I'm here probably to read mostly. I am a senior with a six decade history of PTSD. I often manage but still have extended periods of multiple symptoms. I am happy to have found this forum.

Welcome Roger, I am also new here and also have decades of experience (new CPTSD diagnosis) of juggling life and healing some specific traumas. Reading/learning is good as is connecting with others in a similar circumstance.

Again, happy you are here and that you introduced yourself.

Congratulations Sapphire Queen for your brave step. I am n.ew here too. Just don't give up on your journey even when it gets really difficult. Take a rest when you need to, plug in here or reach out to your therapist. I am looking for one.

Celebrate even your smallest wins (like joining this forum) and I will be taking my own advice. 

Welcome!

Hello, I am happy to have found this forum... and hope that it helps me find the peace and feeling of community I seek.

So, I've never been better (because I have a confirmed explanation) and yet I've never felt more alone than I do at this moment (because that is the current fact of my life).

I am 68 and all my life I've been a square peg. Things have always been extremely difficult: from having/keeping a job, to choosing a healthy relationship, to immense feelings of being wrong and not enough. I am so tired.

I am retired on very little money in today's climate and that creates a whole new set of issues to contend with. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and that I am seen and appreciated. I am very good at doing that for others.

I have done a tremendous amount of "healing work" for my childhood trauma and have made grand progress. Recently, I moved into a housing situation because I felt I had no other choice from a financial perspective, and it has been triggering at every turn. This experience has taken me into the depths of despair because of the hard "lessons" I'm being forced to learn. Part of me is grateful for what I've let go of but I can only take so much apathy and lack of cooperation in the space I most need to feel a sense of safety.

Thankfully the diagnosis of CPTSD came into my awareness. Initially, it was a huge positive because at last, I had an "explanation" for my ups and downs, idiosyncrasies, and my regular inability to "just choose" something happier as many normals advise.

Then this morning, I felt so hopeless I could barely get out of bed. Joining this forum helps. I feel terribly alone most of the time, even with all the "rational/logical" healing work. I have 2 friends (normal, so they don't really get it but are trying). I don't know what I would do without my beloved dog.

My sister and children have abandoned me because they don't get it and before I couldn't explain it. Now that I have a diagnosis they might understand but I don't feel up to risking their further rejection. With the holidays coming up, this is particularly heartbreaking for me. Another year alone.

I will take my dog to the woods. Nature helps me ground and feel better but then I have to come back to the housing situation. 

Thank you to everyone responsible for this forum. I pray I find some relief soon.
Beth

I would love to view this movie. Is there anywhere currently that I can watch it? Thank you.