Messages

Howdy,
to the people above: Yes, my friend and her mom both know my situation. My friend has been a huge supporter for me the entire time. Actually, after the garage incident, I told her about how I felt the pressure to do things because my mom used to force me to do things. She reacted really well and said "poor thing" or something like that. And also the first day I sat across from her and told her how I'm in therapy and healing from abuse. She knows the whole situation. She actually had a narcissistic ex-husband! So she gets it. But we haven't really talked about it since. It's funny, she knows my exact situation, is empathetic, and still I get triggered. But honestly it's getting better slowly but surely! I think my body just has to get used to living in a safe home. Maybe I should discuss it more... but I don't want to make her feel bad?

So me and my dad just got evicted from our apartment. I moved in with my friend's mom. She is a sweet woman, in her 60's, gentle, kind. She isn't charging me for rent, she let me have my piano in my room, she lets me hang things on the wall in my room, she lets me use her dishes, her washing machine, etc. It is the perfect living situation and I'm so grateful she has taken me in.

For the first 5 days, I felt truly elated. I felt like an adult, I was humming, making conversation, watching TV, generally enjoying myself. Then the first trigger happened and I've been in a prolonged trauma state since. The trigger was: she was silent. Yup, silent. I sat down to eat dinner across from her and I said "may I join you?" then she said "as long as I can read my book" and then she was silent. I felt like crying and from then on out I have been SO sensitive to every single thing she says or does. It's like I am living in my mom's house again.

I get triggered by everything. If she has a preference on not liking a small of certain foods that I cook, and expresses her preference (in a kind, joking way) I feel deeply terrified and upset. If she jokingly says "hey you still have some crap in the garage" I freak out. I go into the garage and clean it IMMEDIATELY, then I come out and she says "you didn't have to do that right now. I was just saying, but whenever you're comfortable."

It's crazy how deep trauma can go. I am living in the safest environment ever, with a woman who genuinely cares about me and is having me purely from the kindness of her heart, but my nervous system is acting like there is a threat. At any given moment I am fully expecting her to sit me down and kick me out, even when she said "I am not going to kick you out"

Advice? I know with time, journaling and therapy this will get better. It is just wild how intense it feels!

Hi there! I am 25 y/o female.
I cut off my narcissistic mom about a year and a half ago. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to do, but I feel so free without her in my life. Since then, I've been doing therapy (EMDR), and quit my job and started pursuing a career I could actually enjoy. I am doing so much better, but every day is still really hard. I still have a lot of relationship anxiety. I still feel very sensitive whenever my partner is stressed or if I ever have to bring up my feelings to him (luckily he is an extremely emotionally mature man and the sweetest person ever) but the triggers are crippling. I've been with him for 6.5 years but still all my trauma seems to project onto him. I will spend an entire week being terribly nervous about how to bring something up to him... then when I finally bring it up, and it goes fine, I feel depleted and pathetic. My life is a lot better but I know I still have a long ways to go towards a generally peaceful life.