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Hi Bach,

I'm new here, I haven't read the entire thread of this chat though I do recognise the general frustrations as I have suffered much too. You might want to read 'Transforming the living legacy of trauma' by Janina Fisher. I found it very helpful.

Hi all,

Since discovering Pete Walkers website some 15 years or so back I have been slowly working my way through the myriad of issues associated with this *. If its considered abuse I can pretty much say I went through it.

I am now at a stage where dissociation rarely happens and where mostly I can recongnise triggers and regulate the resultant emotions. MOSTLY. There are times though where it all crashes down again. Safety is so tenuous. Hypervigilance and hyperarousal are so powerful that still after 15 years I still get dragged into very deep dark places. It is there now that the work is done, scary as it is. Petriyingly so at times.

I am 58 and have known something was wrong since a very young age. I thought, as I guess many if not all do, that something was wrong with me, it was my fault. I now know it was something I was not given (Love, compassion, time, attention, hugs, comfort etc) and many things I was forced to accept in there place that I confused with the above and then created the behavioral patterns that are so hard to step out of.

Firstly and with the help of my partner (a wonderful lady) I started to walk headlong into the hurt, this brought about many non epileptic seizure events coupled with terrifyingly vivid regressions... After about 2 years these reduced and now rarely happen, I was petrified the 1st time but I soon began to welcome the release and growth they gave. The tears and the tears and laughter combinations were so healing.

Later thanks to 2 great therapists, firstly 1 from the Janine Fisher school of trauma therapy coupled with emdr. Then these last years another, who after I discovering IFS from Janine's writing, has guided my journey of releasing trapped parts and reparenting these very hurt versions of myself.

IFS I found to be very intuitive after I got over the something in me is talking to me 'just accept it' hurdle. In the beginning release was rapid and progress was it seemed going to lead to a full healing in a short time, magical thinking. Unfortunately the more layers you remove from the onion the harder it is to get to grips with the core issues, the more it goes silent... the deeper non verbal traumas bring the hardest to reach and the scariest when triggered.

They can be reached with patience and I now find sitting in the pain after being triggered is the way on occasion to contact and release these parts.

(I said at the start of this journey after trying quick fix ideas like hypnotherapy that the only way I can see to get out of this is to go back the way I came in and its basically what I've done)

As much as I have joined this community for any further insights it may bring I think I am more in need of kindred spirits.. I have tried to find groups to be able to meet with others who have to deal with these issues where I live but it is proving difficult, its a non English speaking land.

Some friends who know how this all feels near me would be my ultimate aim here but having not read all the do's and don't I'm not sure I can mention where that is... 🤔

I would like to mentor those starting on this journey where possible and to have folk I could turn too when it crashes without putting all on my lady.


So there you have it...