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I would agree with you: I consider it something like a panic attack / uncontrollable situation.

It's like the phrase "spiraling out of control". I think of it like: something happened to this person, and they're coping with it poorly, doing unhelpful things. It can be regressing back to old, bad habits, or thinking too much about unhelpful things or people. It could also be like submitting to an addiction like buying too much stuff or eating unwell or hanging out with bad people.

In short, I think of it like a catch-all term for "not doing well; lots of bad things occurring; can't help it (easily)."

Thank you for your kind words Marcine. I do know and like the idea of taking care of yourself before others. Knowing it is true and living it is another thing. Nothing is so easy but I continue every day trying to know the best option.

Thank you Kizzie for your advice. I always try to remember the worst moments from my family in times like this. They do haunt me, and when I falter, I have a written down list that remind me how bad it was.

As for my father, I don't know if that would work, but I will look into a safe and anonymous way to do that, maybe. I don't have much hope for the availability and quality of Social services in the area I grew up/they live though. But I could try to say I did. I'll think about it.

With recent events in regard to my family, I have felt triggered by the presence of the Holidays.

In the shortest explanation possible, I've been thinking of my very complex situation (though, most situations with relationships are going to be complex and not "textbook"...)

CW: illness, dementia, usual parental CPTSD stuff mentions...?



My mother haunts my waking moments, and on occasion my sleeping moments too. I hold no capacity for love for her anymore. I don't really want anything to do with her. Of course, that being said, I feel immense pity and understanding for someone to be so stuck in misery. It makes me sad. I would not want to become like her. I don't believe in her capacity to change. She is also ill, and will be until she dies, and she is in her 60s. Before I cut off modes of communication, her cancer was often used as guilt. I never felt pity for her plight in turn, because the guilt filled me with rage and resentment, for I was neglected throughout my entire life.

However, what I have been feeling recently is for my father. I do love my dad. He feels like a flawed human being while my mother in my mind is a monster I have detached from. I feel guilt for having to abandon him because they still are married/live together. However, I keep trying to disassociate from this guilt by thinking of his clearly existant dementia.

The dementia is a layered thing. My mother refuses to get him treatment or diagnosed because if he does have a condition, she's afraid she'll have no one to take care of her. My father is also a retired first responder career (probably has PTSD; we all agree) and is a super bad alcoholic. In regards to that, I will never sleep in the same building with him due to a bad experience. I am so angry at my mother for telling me her "inability" to help him because of her predicament, because the alcohol+mental issues is going to get someone killed! She used to... I don't know, trauma-dump talk-at-me about this fact? "Your father is going to kill someone one day! Oh well! I need to get to chemo."

Not to be political (and I won't go into details nor proselytize) but with family issues in this sad age there oft tends to be a political element, so I also feel a pit within me knowing she angrily argued with me and votes against her own needs due to hatred of others. Never her fault, always someone else's--such is the inability to reflect in these abusive people.

Yet here we are, my father, flawed as he is and still complicit in my upbringing, and I feel so evil for being powerless. I cannot bare the torment of my mother any longer. I have nothing I can do to help my father. They are stuck within their own monsoon of misery. I can't be there with them because I have tens and tens of more years left in me and I need to live. But I can still feel bad for my poor, beloved dad, because I also care for the ill people all over who have no resources or respect... I only hope I am not lost one day.

How do you cope with this complex problem? To help yourself, it feels as if you must hurt the ones you love?

Thank you Big Blue and Chart. I continue to feel like I'm responding well. I did as I said and reread my list of grievances and I know it's unforgivable and I mustn't give in to empathy for the safety of that child who was neglected.

I think if anything, its helpful, because I've been wanting to write this essay about a thing I've noticed in the world, and my poor sorry parents support it. They need more community. To have failed so much that me ignoring them for, oh, its been like four months now? Is hurting them... Well, I had said to her, you need others now! Live your life! You don't need me. I didn't really need you at all in my youth, after all.

But, now, they have no friends or joys because they were hateful and poor planners. My mother is letting my poor father suffer because of excuse after excuse and I have nothing left to help them. I am too chronically ill to have time for them AND me, so I have chosen me.

It is sad, but it was what they did to themselves. They both bullied me. I shall honor the humanity and softness of my father by following in his positive traits. I have nothing to say of my mother.

I slept in because of how my pills help me relax. Very helpful, haven't had to take them in a while, but they still stop me from panicking (even though I was hardly close to doing so) and give me a good deserved sleep. But, I must go exercise now. Tonight I'm making tofu and I'm going to prepare for friends visiting us for a early holiday dinner!

Well, my therapist is going to have a fun day when I next see them next year.

My mother sent me a package (and a letter) for the holidays. The letter, of course, was in response to me abandoning them--leaving them as I must. I've been so happy and healing. The letter isn't bad at all, thank goodness, but I must remember the truth and reread the therapy file I have of all the things that ARE true. I cannot go on being a member of my family.

I sit here writing this out because my next therapy appointment isn't until after the new year and this is worthy of writing out my thoughts and asking for advice as I think about it. Obviously, I know in my soul that my option is to continue on with being an orphan. I fear them.

My first thought is while I think the letter from my mother is all well and fine, I know in my soul it is still not. There are stories online of vitriolic hatred toward an ungrateful lost child--this is not this. However, the reverse, I feel, is also bad. I think part of my... "final straw" was an overwhelming sense of how she always wanted some piece of me. I was hers. Of course--of course the letter would be begging and loving and say things like "I will do anything and everything you want." That's the problem. We live in a world where what I truly want and what she wants is incompatible. Not to mention--please dear, get a therapist. Get friends. This is the problem! You should never say that you'll do anything and everything you want to a person, especially your child. I am not a spoiled, wanting brat (despite previous claims otherwise, from you know who).

Without going into details, but my empathic heart hurts for her. But for every way I am sorry, I remember the hateful look in her eyes. I cannot be there for her anymore. She used me up and all I have left is to survive for myself. I don't think anyone intends it ever, but she is using my strong sensitive nature against me, and for that I am pushed farther away from her. This, I think she will never understand.

I do miss my father. I do. I am sorry.

In a sort of cosmic blessing, I took tomorrow off, and it was entirely unrelated to the timing of this package (of course) so I will be happy to rest, as I'll certainly need to take some of my as-needed calming meds and rest. But, even then, I am proud. I am not even that worried about this. I feel strong enough to know already that it's over and I don't ever have to go back. I am a free adult. I am also a scared child with myself as my own parent, sad that it is, but that's the best for me. I am so sad and scared once again.

I will surely have more thoughts on this but I should like, make my dinner, or something, haha!

[Content warning]

I just finished up another monthly therapy session. It was very helpful and I think I am slowly doing better about things I want to be better about.

(Content warning for tragic death in this entry, nothing graphic, but be good to yourself!)

Sadly, I found out on thanksgiving that a good and dear friend passed. I do not recall if I mentioned it here so I'll re-explain, but it was even more shocking and... interesting (in a fate-of-the-world type of way) because she was the daughter of my grandmother-figure who recently also passed of natural causes. Last time I saw my "M" before I became a self-imposed orphan, she had just causally isolated me and told me this grandmother figure was in hospice. At least I knew to keep an eye on things and know when she passed, which I did by following and keeping up with my old dear friend, her daughter.

But, alas, I found when wanting to give her some thanksgiving/holiday joy, that she had recently tragically died in a car accident. It was so shocking. It was like a dream. It was so strange to me that she passed so soon (in the grand scheme) to her mother in an unrelated way! It wasn't even her fault in the accident; it was mere chance.

I was sad, as anyone would be with tragedy, but I didn't really feel anything until I talked about it with my therapist. I thought it'd just be a footnote, saying things like "oh yeah, this terrible thing happened, (and also I've had some related dreams about my "M" dying recently too; definitely related)" but it was so connective to other thoughts I've been having, as it turns out.

For instance, I noted that one of my first thoughts when looking into the tragic death of my old friend was that "oh good, it wasn't her fault". I don't care, someone died! It's tragic no matter what! But I knew it was my "M" in my brain. I remembered her heartless words about the people I loved. I remembered how she insulted this person before. She insulted my adoptive grandmother too. She didn't like that her daughter was poor and asked for help and blah, blah, blah. But here's the truth, as I sit here and mourn a family that was never mine and yet was more a family than my blood relatives were to me: they didn't care about money or status or anything. They lived such beautiful and rich lives, whether rich (the grandmother) or poor (the daughter). They helped each other. The daughter died in the accident going to help someone. She was so giving, as was her mother. That's all that really matters. They were filled with love. They lived a good life, albeit that the daughter should've had some more time to live--but with the good amount she had, she lived a good one, despite being poor and different and difficult.

My "M" still lives, and as far as I know from the last I've heard of her, she is alone and miserable. And the woman she disliked is beloved and mourned by all who knew her, and there are smiles and celebrating in her honor because that's what she asked for after her death. And here I am: I know the difference between those two women.

I am very overwhelmed and scared and confused in my life. According to my therapist, I'm normal: I'm going through a quarter-life crisis and I'm traumatized. I am not alone. I am trying to feel less alone by talking to others. I still am lost and confused and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm overwhelmed because there's so much I want to do and I don't know who I am and I don't know how to get there. Yet, I take everything in, and I see it through my eyes. I always have seen a lot through my eyes, being that I am a quiet person who thinks too much. I think I'm getting there in what I have to do.

I remember thinking of a long-ago memory while my Therapist was talking about EMDR things (she's not certified or whatever, but her mentor was and gave her some advice; it's helpful!)... I remember how nice it felt to receive messages during a bad time--to interact with all and everyone even if sometimes they were imperfect or bothered me a little. I miss it. It feels so lonely how I am now. I want to find people again and be so open and free to let them in and try. I want to give to the world unabashedly. I think I might try to do that more. I think I should begin to be more like a child again, as if the next stage of life was a rebirth. In a way, it is.

I really love this small indie music artist, Baby Bugs, after finding this really awesome song that's great for belting out and releasing a bunch of pent up rage for your situation: https://youtu.be/Q4GVV54bMPQ?si=heVcsukzr89bF0UF

It's a lot of religious-trauma type of content, which doesn't really apply to me, but many of the beautiful metaphors and imagery that living in a christian hegemony has wrought still feels powerful to me.

She recently released this song (below) that's very comforting and relaxing to me in sound. Like a nice motherly hug. She also mentioned how she had CPTSD in some post, which was like, well duh! to me, as someone who has that too and relates to the music a lot. Good to know we have compatriots in the world, even if the community exists for sad reasons.
https://youtu.be/KDbYTrswgFg?si=5kVcT9SQtlxQsSMs

[What would diagnosis do for you?]

I've been reading this thread some so I thought I'd finally add my thoughts and what I... Believe and follow in my life, I guess?

Where I'm at in my life, all my pieces feel very intertwined and enmeshed together. As it should be, considering that's how humans are made unique individuals! But, the concept of identity is blurred.

I have been diagnosed/identified with Autism for a large chunk of my life. I have identified and been diagnosed with C/PTSD for a much smaller time. Both are still presently significant to me but because I live in the present they both still feel equally important.

I am honestly lucky to have the life facts to feel confident that I do have autism due to things present when I was really, really young. Despite even that, it does create a sort-of "chicken and the egg" situation. Did my autism exacerbate my PTSD or was trauma so present when I was even a young toddler that I'm no different than any other autistic person?

Through my life I've been interested in psychology and trying to help myself. I knew something was wrong with me throughout my life, whether it be social skills or health. I've come to this conclusion:

What would diagnosis do for you? It's a good question to ask yourself. Many people ask this because, sadly, there can be downsides to being formally diagnosed with various things. Some systems aren't kind to certain people. But, if something feels so bad to you that diagnosis can lead to helpful treatment, then pursue it if you can.

Otherwise, I live like this: even if I'm not [insert blank thing here], if the tricks and tools used for that group help me, then I'll use it! Many people would benefit from reading about or using things that help autistic people. I am not ADHD but sometimes tools for them also help me. We are not depriving someone else of assistance by doing something differently that helps us.

Read both about CPTSD and autism if you feel they're helpful to you. Am I still autistic even if I found out it was definitely still CPTSD? I feel as such, because I am close and respect and continue to feel welcome in those spaces and communities and their "tricks" work perfect for me. Besides... I'm technically only diagnosed formally with PTSD, but C-PTSD materials help and speak to me more, so I feel more identity towards that. But, still, sometimes the only stuff out there that speaks to other aspects of me is made "for" Autism.

TLDR: If the shoe fits, wear it. Especially if it helps your weirdly shaped, unique foot. This is a metaphor brought to you by insoles made for weird arches.

OH! And I also feel you Saluki. I miss the mini crossword. Darn you NYT.

Thanks Papa, it is always good to share our stories, if even just for our own benefit. I like telling tales of my experiences to deal with them, and in turn I always love to hear other's thoughts.

I agree; I have no regrets abandoning those who have hurt me.

My partner is the one who posts on Craigslist when we need to, so I probably will just use that... But I also remembered as I was thinking about this: I also have to have a FB account for an old VR headset I use. Which sucks anyways, so maybe I can hack it up and put something else that doesn't require that stuff on there. Then I could truly be free of that old stupid website and company, haha.

  sending support as you go through all this

 

Thanks, you two, for your words!

SH - I agree. LinkedIn feels useless for what it wants to be. Alas, I do use it lightly for work, only to pog in and manage a few things. If I catch a glimpse of some corpo-speak sounds-no-different-than-pure-AI post, my brain gets weird. I can tell when something's so fake and pathetic nowadays, and I don't know if its part brain fog or brain damage from slight trauma I've had before. Either way, I think of it as a weird superpower in this age of fakery.

Modern social media is all corpo now, almost. Few small things remain. I'm creative so I've retreated to old style forums like this where it feels a bit more personable and expressive + handmade websites. I have to go on an adventure to look for pretty art I want sometimes, but that's a fun adventure at least.

I stay on things where the costs/benefits are still in favor of creativity. Having nerds with cartoon avatars cohabitate with, say, public figures on a website was a mistake.

Another bonus to creativity is I've never been the person to subscribe to being my IRL self on the internet, you know, disregarding the disassociation anyways. LinkedIn requires it, and I only have a FB to try and sell random furniture sometimes... (And meta hasn't yelled at me for the fact that the fake name I use isn't a real person yet, ha!)... But otherwise, I am not getting paid for these corps to have my data.

I started my workday off with a notification on LinkedIn that my mother was attempting to add me! Man, I hate LinkedIn. If only I didn't need to use it for my job. It sucks there! All business speak that feels AI-generated (or it's just so standardized and jargony that it feels machine made...) and cringe posts that are somehow trying to relate to career. Yuck.

Anyways, it did give me a "shock" but if anything it felt like a nice dosage of caffeine pills. I've been having a rough time at night. It might be because my partner is off on a trip and I'm alone in the big city... But it's also just subconscious things like my dreams being depressing. At least they weren't related to my family!

The best I could describe the situation as is "cringe." I like having no contact with my family. I have power now. I blocked the account. I tried to report it, but it seems like there's not a "this person is harassing me" option on the there, which I think would be nice... I still did it though. Not a real person, I chose, and hopefully it'll make her have to do stupid authentication she's too tired to do. There's nothing on her account anyways, so it'll probably trigger something. But hey, gives me a good story to say why I still hate the darn website.

I'm focusing on myself recently and forgoing caring about a "presentable career" anyways. By that, I mean I still am doing art and projects, but they're for me. The world can get them later on, when the dust settles.

That's my update. First signs of life from my estranged family I guess.

Always great to read your updates to your journal SH, glad your doing okay.