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Gabor Mate said that many of us were traumatized into being "good" girls and boys by our need to survive.
But we went overboard and hurt ourselves in the process and I was one who knows this well. I began to see that my anger and fury as an adult had a lot to do with me being "so good, so kind, so unboundaried" that it left my inner child feeling unprotected and I wanted to show her I could finally do that as an adult. So, now I am still kind and thoughtful but also wise and when I sense others are manipulating me, trying to provoke a neg response from me to hook me into their webs, taking advantage of me and not being reciprocal in their relationship to me I notice and apply a boundary ....sometimes its just not saying a word and letting my silence speak for me ( that is very powerful compared to my old habit of reacting defensively so I love it), sometimes it is being more firm and and direct, sometimes it is calmly pointing out the exact behavior someone is doing that is unacceptable to me to their face and letting them know it is unacceptable and they won't be tolerated. This is life changing and I am now learning this at age 72 after a life time of therapy where it just didn't ever make sense before. So if you are you are younger than me and have more time, please consider this topic of boundary setting soon than I did as it seems to be the one thing that is finally making me feel safe, and have self respect and love for myself while becoming a better human being around others. Love to all. Be well. Be happy.

Hello to all here....what a benefit to so many to have a site like this.

I am a survivor of ritual abuse, sexual abuse, rape and medical neglect occurring between the ages of 3-17.
I have spent my adult life after that in recovery of some kind, therapy, meditation practice, EMDR and all kinds of other things over the years. The silver lining I have found is that I feel I can sit with others in their darkest hours as well as their greatest joys and this has given me so much deep connection to other human beings. I cherish this aspect more than anything as so many people are unable to be present for others in a deep way so it is
a gift that was unexpected but very welcome.

I don't think "recovery" has an end but just constantly changes and morphs we find new ways to heal as we go along depending on our changing needs and interests and exposure to different methods available. I began therapy as a teen when the "big deal" was Primal Scream by Janov. Boy was that a time! I screamed my lungs out with so many others.
I have also spend time in monasteries studying and practicing meditation and combining therapy with that and became a mindfulness meditation teacher during covid. I now work in hospice which is my greatest passion and although I have had a passion for writing and two publishers offering to publish my memoire I have changed by book during the editing process so much I had to break my original contracts as I decided I didn't want to published just what THEY
liked but what I Liked so back out of both deals. Still hope to express myself in book form at some point in the future so we will see. I love crafting, outdoors ( Live in Sedona AZ now), healthy cooking, gentle exercise and spending time with friends. I do not have contact with any family of origin people and both my parents have passed. This estrangement is intention on my part and very helpful and I have many wonderful friends who are healthy and great so I created family outside of nuclear family and am happy about that. I have three children who are great and yet due to family of origin dysfunction have had some challenges with one of my children that is still ongoing and makes me sad. I cannot change another person is what I have learned and I hope this present conflict eventually resolves but know it may not and I cannot allot that to ruin my happiness by dwelling on things that aren't working due to others choices... it takes two to work things out in any relationship.

Anyways, this is long enough but this is a bit about me and I look forward to engaging in conversation on this site.

May you be happy. May you be healthy. Maybe you feel safe and at peace. Francesca

Thanks to the people who are on this site and the site itself as it is so helpful to have so much support on so many recovery topics.

Being an American right now is very upsetting for me as everything is changing and not the way that I wish it were.
Everyday the news is triggering me so I had to find a way to use it to my advantage while also limiting my time on watching the new too.

I have been so incredibly triggered by see people being harmed and truamatized and treated in ways that I cannot
even handle. The adult me is righteously angry and the 4 year old abused me is raging. I have learned that is is unhealthy to stuff any of my feelings but don't want to go to the opposite extreme so my middle path has been to
spend the last week writing like crazy, free flow and by dialoging with the adult and child in me over and over and over. NO holding back.

The interesting thing was that it is really helping. It is a safe way to express my fury without hurting myself or anyone else. I do not want to keep these feeling locked up to cause tension and disease in my body as I have done that and got cancer which I had to recover from. I have instead promised my 4 year old I will hear anything she has to say and never put her down or judge her because that has already hurt her over and over and been part of my family of origins way of abusing her and making me feel everything I do is my fault when it was in fact their behavior that was abusive not mine.

I have discovered in this process that I needed to face being the "good" girl I have always been. The
"pleaser" if I want to take care of my health and stop repeating old destructive patterns. I also don't want to be the rager I can be because that hurts me too. I do however see that I have to own my anger and then when it arises notice if I am saying yes when I want to say no or if I feel manipulated or put down by someone and that is what is triggering it and choose to disengage immediately and say nothing and move away or if I want to be patient for a few minutes and respond intelligently in a way I will get the message I want across without using hurtful abusive words I have done in the past as a way to protect myself.

I looked up a video by Gabor Mate on anger and he said a woman healed herself from Stage 4 cancer by noticing she was a "good" girl and a perfectionist in all her relationships and at work and when she adopted saying NO
she cured herself...15 years since she was told she had 1 year to live. Sooooo....I am going to continue to journal all day if I have to but apply myself to starting to see when I am trying to be "good" when I want to say no
and no longer do it. Gabor said it is a bit scary as you family and friends have learned to expect you to be a
yes girl but considering the cost to oneself of continuing down that path I will take my chances on putting my needs first and take the risk to get better and heal from years of being truamatize from childhood abuse.

I hope all of you find a way to express your anger and investigate any misguided but common thoughts and beliefs that abuse was our fault because that's what kids think or that's what were were told over and over. May we all be happy and well and continue to never give up on our healing journey whatever way we choose to do it.