Messages

Hi. I'm new here myself. In fact my "intro" is the one right after yours. I hope we both find some community here.

I'm a man in my late 50s who only about a year ago admitted to childhood sexual abuse by a (non-parent) caregiver. I also had a father who was emotionally (and probably physically) abused (hit). His psychological abuse begins with the fact that he was an only child whose mother died in childbirth with him and his father told him that he had killed her. It proceeds from there. My mother was a superficially nice person who is essentially narcissistic. Any story you tell her of importance to you becomes about her similar experience or what it means to her.

I've been diagnosed inattentive ADHD for years, but I think that is actually a symptom of CPTSD, not a separate condition.

Anyways, these issues in my life helped to wrack my first marriage and are on the verge of destroying my second. My second marriage is to a wonderful person whom I have emotionally neglected and become severely avoidant with (I'd go into details but don't want the post to be too long; I'm happy to answer any question asked in response). She is in an angry, hurt, depressed state. Legitimately. I am trying to change the severe avoidance and defensiveness I have. Her anger triggers my fearful avoidance.

I'm in a place where she needs me to put her feelings first. To do things that *change* her feelings, or at least address them. But where I am, my behaviors are self-protecting and appear totally self-involved. I really a desperate to connect to her without fear. But whenever her emotions are high, mine totally shut down. I become paralyzed with uncertainty and the fear that anything I do will fail and do more harm. But doing nothing is perhaps the most harmful. My behaviors combine the worst attributes of my parents. Her responses, while intellectually understandable to me, trigger my fear/flight/fight responses.

I'd love to have any advice. And in particular, I would welcome ideas for ANYTHING I might try to do in simple interactions with her that show my care, love, and respect for her feelings that I can do when my "self" leaves (which happens all the time under the pressure of her emotions).

Finally, I am in therapy and I am tarting EMDR. I hope to get to healing, but my goodness, I could use immediate advice from any of you who have been here and made some prrogress out of it!

With hope...