I have been reading through all the other welcome posts to get a sense of what I am supposed to say in my first message here. I was struck with how truly awful many of those here had it growing up. I know that it's more about what happened on the inside than the outside and emotional neglect can be extremely damaging, even when it is difficult to see, because it's about what didn't happen instead of what did. I was not going to talk about my life at all because compared to many of the people here it doesn't sound so bad, But when I was reading through the messages I realized I was looking for someone who sounded like me, so why not help the next person who feels similar?
I am a 37 year old cis man. My parents never hit me and only rarely yelled. The short version of how the messed me up: after they divorced when I was 5, I spent much of my childhood going from moms house to dads house and back again. My mother, who was often overwhelmed and depressed, used me as a friend and confidant (emotional incest/enmeshment) and my father was a workaholic who had high expectations and was very uncomfortable with vulnerability. I struggled with depression and low self-esteem from a young age but my parents and I bought into the chemical imbalance concept being the sole cause. I self medicated with drugs and alcohol starting at 11 and substances helped me wear a mask and have a pretty normal life up until my early 20s when I withdrew from the world, gave up on life, and started drinking every day. I was drinking because of the pain but I couldn't heal the pain until I stopped.
I finally was able to get sober at 29 and found a really good therapist. He agreed that all my mental health symptoms seemed to fit c-ptsd but I still thought I had a "normal" happy childhood. One night, after working with this therapist for a while, when I was contemplating "what happened to me" it was like a dam broke and I was flooded with all the emotions from my childhood that I had cut myself off from. The visceral feelings of terror, loneliness, shame, violation, and grief were so intense I fell to the floor and scream-cried for a long time. Turns out my childhood was very very painful and lonely, and I had buried all that pain until I could create the space and safety to feel it.
Over the next few years I worked intensely on my recovery and made a ton of progress. I learned how to validate myself and use positive self-talk. I read tons of books and continued with regular therapy. I am pretty unrecognizable from the person I was. I now work as a peer in the mental health field and am able to connect with others in a way only someone who has been there can. I wish I could say I am happy, healthy and healed but I still have parts of me that need to be helped and unburdened, I still have a ways to go in learning how to be in close relationship with others. So that's what brings me here. I hope connecting with people here will help me be more able to connect IRL. Sorry for writing so much, if you read this far I appreciate it and I look forward to connecting more.
Trius
I am a 37 year old cis man. My parents never hit me and only rarely yelled. The short version of how the messed me up: after they divorced when I was 5, I spent much of my childhood going from moms house to dads house and back again. My mother, who was often overwhelmed and depressed, used me as a friend and confidant (emotional incest/enmeshment) and my father was a workaholic who had high expectations and was very uncomfortable with vulnerability. I struggled with depression and low self-esteem from a young age but my parents and I bought into the chemical imbalance concept being the sole cause. I self medicated with drugs and alcohol starting at 11 and substances helped me wear a mask and have a pretty normal life up until my early 20s when I withdrew from the world, gave up on life, and started drinking every day. I was drinking because of the pain but I couldn't heal the pain until I stopped.
I finally was able to get sober at 29 and found a really good therapist. He agreed that all my mental health symptoms seemed to fit c-ptsd but I still thought I had a "normal" happy childhood. One night, after working with this therapist for a while, when I was contemplating "what happened to me" it was like a dam broke and I was flooded with all the emotions from my childhood that I had cut myself off from. The visceral feelings of terror, loneliness, shame, violation, and grief were so intense I fell to the floor and scream-cried for a long time. Turns out my childhood was very very painful and lonely, and I had buried all that pain until I could create the space and safety to feel it.
Over the next few years I worked intensely on my recovery and made a ton of progress. I learned how to validate myself and use positive self-talk. I read tons of books and continued with regular therapy. I am pretty unrecognizable from the person I was. I now work as a peer in the mental health field and am able to connect with others in a way only someone who has been there can. I wish I could say I am happy, healthy and healed but I still have parts of me that need to be helped and unburdened, I still have a ways to go in learning how to be in close relationship with others. So that's what brings me here. I hope connecting with people here will help me be more able to connect IRL. Sorry for writing so much, if you read this far I appreciate it and I look forward to connecting more.
Trius