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Well, here I am doing exactly what triggers me deeply— being vulnerable and exposing the soft belly of my self... I thought I could never post a recovery journal, that it would be too dangerously serving myself up to be eaten alive... and here I am.

Logically, I know that I am writing here because it is a safe place on this forum and that I have experienced connection and kinship with others here.

Emotionally, I crave to connect authentically and I am terrified to connect authentically.

What an intense, churning mix of feelings.

The more I have inched my way out in the social world as authentic me (a relatively recent phenomenon) the more I anticipate facing the old terrors, the boogey man, the rhino in James and the Giant Peach... But, I find there's no epic threat, no terrifying villain, no do-or-die existential danger... and this is very confusing.

Sitting with this confusion shows me that the old dangers were real, that the old equations of authenticity=death were lies, and that I can maybe-kinda-sortof BE in the present.

That's more of an intellectual understanding.

Right now, my heart is pounding, a headache is throbbing— I see you, old warnings of danger. Thank you for being of service and helping alert me during times of survival in the past.
I release you from service now. This newness is not dangerous.

And even as I wonder "what have I done?" by writing this, I shall tap on "post" and, after clinging to the shore for so long, I leap into the wild, vast current of being human me.

Hi Dalloway,
The strength, compassion and clarity in your writing shines through. It's on your terms, your timeline, to your benefit. Beautiful!

I continue to mull on your original questions, Blueberry. And today the response I can offer— to myself and you, if it resonates— is:  grieving... that natural, inconvenient, powerful, cyclical, depressing, uncontrollable, uplifting, infuriating, paradoxical, hopeless, freeing, wordless human emotional healing process.
I grieve for what I had to bear and all I never received, for what I needed and will never have, for who I had to be and who I never got to become.
I was never allowed to grieve, had to survive.
Now I feel stuff and it's so delayed and layered and unfamiliar that I can only jam it in the category of "BAD" and "WRONG".
My therapist reminds me that grieving does not have a time frame. That it is a normal part of the healing process. That I do not need to "neutralize" it or try to fight it. He says this grieving is the unwrapping of cumulative awareness of loss. Hearing this brings sadness to my heart... so I grieve that I could never grieve... and I trust I can feel my way forward.

Thank you NK and Kizzie for your thoughtful responses. I am happy you both have supportive spouses. 35+ years is quite a journey!

Kizzie, I appreciate your suggestion to "work on boundaries and taking care of you versus everyone else. That way you'll likely notice/attract more men who are healthier rather than being drawn to or attracting those who have unresolved trauma or are abusive."

This is in my control and I shall continue to move in this direction   

Hi friends, I'm curious to hear from survivors about experiences of building a healthy, intimate partnership (i.e./ spouse, significant other).
In past relationships, I brought faulty beliefs— such as, to be loved I had to give up myself, to do all the heavy emotional lifting, and to control myself tightly because I am wildly unlovable.
I have debunked and uprooted most of these lies. Issues with trust and lovability linger.
I long for a close, connected partner. And I can envisage growing alongside someone who also has awareness of the unresolved bits, with a curiosity and willingness to support each other.
I'm stuck thinking this is impossible.
Anyone have experiences to share of healthy, reciprocal close relationships?
Thanks very much.

Feeling capable of giving love and feeling deserving of receiving love... that's the greatest natural humanity... I'm so happy for you that you are directly experiencing connection.
Thank you for sharing this, Dalloway.

Hello Pete,
I can relate to what you wrote, particularly— "I know that a close, healthy relationship is probably out there for me but I really start to lose hope sometimes."
As I feel healthier than ever and wish for a reciprocal loving partner, I know I can't control that happening... I'm not going to squelch my desire to meet someone, but it is challenging to stay open-hearted and hopeful.
I have found meaningful friendships through this forum and I hope you do too.

"there is a place inside me that was whole the whole time. That part was never dead and I´m not dead either. I am capable of love, giving and receiving it."

Incredibly beautiful and real, Dalloway!
We find courage to reach out and... we find the hand of another who is reaching out🫱🏼🫲🏼
💖

SenseOrgan,
I appreciate how you describe "a more fundamental sense of self is the stage on which all my personal drama is playing out."
To distinguish the everyday stresses, worries, ups-downs AND to identify a bedrock self is powerful. It reminds me that I am. And things happen, and that's ok. Thus, space for the unconditional love and acceptance you mention.
Thanks for what you wrote— I find it inspiring. And challenging Onward

Hi Nearlythere,
I resonate with what you wrote, especially "Seems its a lifetimes work putting right what could have been right from the start"... so true and poignant.
You're not alone 

In my experience, being part of a healthy community reassures me on a basic level that I am not the only one/alone, offers resources and support, gives me opportunities to encourage others and feel connected, and helps build my self-esteem. I have experienced all these aspects in the OOTS community here.
There are so many fascinating and thoughtful discussions and resources to explore on the forum— in real time as well as perusing past threads.
Take your time and I hope you enjoy being here

Indeed, we walk the path together. 

I sense your heartfelt courage in joining this forum and writing what you did. I can tell you possess an ability to self-reflect and empathize and that you care about your wife. This is beautiful.

For a time, I loved an avoidant partner who fled at any sign of emotions. All I wished for was him to just assure me he was aware of what was going on and to show me he was taking a step, no matter how small, in the direction of healing.

Have you perhaps considered showing your wife what you wrote here? Sometimes that's easier communication than "talking it out".

I wish you the best as you step forward on your path. And if you care to, please share how things are going.

"maybe it's OK to rage too a bit??"

100%!
My preferred arrangement is to wop a fluffy blanket with my old badminton racquet, which makes a satisfying whistle through the air... arms sore and much relieved afterwards.
I say, let it flow

Hi Trius,
Through your writing, I sense courage, resilience, determination and a dedication to serve for a greater good— all incredible qualities.
And I'm glad you know that you deserve support as you support others.
I too "still have a ways to go in learning how to be in close relationship with others", as you wrote. That's the very reason that also drew me to OOTS.
This forum is a solid, positive place to connect with others who understand.
I'm glad to meet you and welcome.