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Dalloway, I am saddened to hear you are struggling and I wish I could lift your burden, my friend...

I commiserate with the Sisyphean task of trying to make sense of nonsense and illogical pain.

I turn to nature for solace and lessons. You mention waterlillies floating on the surface. They do float, and they have very strong roots. And they bloom when it's time. "No mud, no lotus."

Are you familiar with the book "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rainier Maria Rilke? Written in the early 1900's, Rilke encourages the young poet to look inward, to trust his own guidance, and to love the questions. In the most beautiful and eloquent prose... you might enjoy it, Dalloway.

I send affection and the knowledge that you are not alone.

Hi NK,
I sense your courage in seeing and naming things clearly for yourself. 

I particularly noticed your words: "I am getting better at fire fighting - noticing the spark of fear and putting it out before a full blown EF. What I am not so skilled at is knowing what I actually want to pursue."

Stopping a fire from engulfing everything is a critical skill. And it is different from designing and constructing beautiful, livable architecture.

Noticing fear and staying with oneself to avoid a full blown EF is incredible! And it is not the same thing as creating a path towards dreams and feeling free.

It used to be utterly foreign for me to know what I genuinely felt. I began to thaw by asking myself to write down three of my feelings at a given moment. I kept a notebook just for that. Usually there were conflicting feelings that showed up. And it was ok because I felt more connected to myself.

Doing that exercise regularly and patiently gave me insights. I have heard it called "building emotional literacy." I still practice it daily.

I feel certain NK that you are on the path to meeting all of yourself.

Hi Hope,
Continuing with what others wrote, I was particularly struck by your words:
"remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration..."

How beautiful and powerful to remain curious toward your self and your experiences. To try things and observe the effects on you.

I appreciate the inspiration to try EMDR for a brief time. I usually launch into a longer session which is more daunting.

I'm consciously working on acknowledging when I accomplish something. I see lots of reasons to celebrate on your list. I hope you can give that to yourself...

Oh good Lord, Chart...

".. I gave simple solid honest value to my daughter, both my kids... My dear good children: I see you, I recognize your difficulties. You are valid, you are worthy and though it needs no proof, the love I feel for you makes it all true."

Fatherhood incarnate.
You have my deep respect.

Yes, theBigBlue.

I relate to the anger you felt when told you're so strong (to have overdeveloped coping mechanisms to survive trauma that you didn't deserve).

I'm glad you felt heard by your therapist. I wish you didn't have to educate your therapist on this, but I am glad you felt heard and appreciated by them.

Your words are clear and coherent. I relate with your experiences.

I finished reading the book and recommend it. Very relatable with lots of her experience as a therapist and as a trauma survivor.
She refers to Pete Walker's work as well as connecting many dots that have relevance to all of us in this world that demands and rewards fawning.

Yes, SO.

———————-
Line drawn
Self-respect
Clarity and compassion
Courage
Allegiance to your self

Your true friends applaud!
 

Yes, I agree dollyvee. "Follow the money" often explains a lot about a person's decision-making.

Charisma is so enticing to us humans. And, when it is paired with real (and promised) affection, long-hoped for understanding, and relief for vulnerable folks... well, we become "followers", we overlook inconsistencies, we're capable of believing it hook, line, and sinker.

I respect the ability of the author of that letter to see clearly, to analyze, to assess, to discern, to advocate, and to coherently communicate. Even as it meant confronting some personal disillusionment and required calling out a mainstream, admired expert.

People don't like their favorite idols to be in bright light that shows the cracks and lies and manipulations.

But the fact is that there are lines that get crossed. It's up to each of us as thinking, responsible adults to draw our lines, patrol our boundaries, and take action when they are trespassed. Or just leave the flood gates wide open. But many of us on the forum probably have experience with how that works out.

These days, personally, I enjoy listening to experts in many fields— from cult deprogramming to neuroscience to plant-based healing— who are intelligent, compassionate people using their platforms to educate and empower others. I appreciate the questions they raise in my mind. And I often personally admire the courageous paths they have travelled.

But, none of these experts will heal or fix me. I do that for myself.

So I understand the appreciation of the author of the letter for Mate's contributions, even as the author rigorously applies skepticism and critical thinking to what is observed. Much needed traits in this world of ours.

Inspiring and courageous.

 
Dalloway = courageous, determined, forged in fire, honest, hurting, compassionate, beautiful!

Cheers, SO! Clink of the champagne glasses! Sante!
So happy for you and the post-traumatic joy you experience!

Wow, Dollyvee, thank you for posting this.

Some bits in this powerful letter that particularly stuck out to me—

"You do not need to lie. You just do not correct the record."

"You are charismatic. You have carefully cultivated an image: the imperfect, compassionate "uncle Gabor" who speaks truth to trauma. It disarms people. It builds a following. It makes them stop asking hard questions."

"there is too much of your darkness running free for me to carry your light forward."

... our human abilities to stand up and question, to bring accountability, to demand transparency, to advocate for integrity, and to orient to truth, even when we encounter our own shock and disappointment...

Yes.

I will think on this today, and be inspired to take action in my life.

"I dream of a loving relationship and intimacy and simplicity and safety..."

That is a beautiful dream, Chart.

Hi fellow human being, from me in my den on this rainy, blustery winter night to you, in your den.  May we be safe and warm and dry, resting well.

Wow, thanks for the recommendation, folks. I've requested Clayton's Fawning from the library. Looking forward to reading it.

Self-esteem seems elusive to me.

Defined as: confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.

Yeah, nope... I've no idea what that really means.

I used to have a crafted, well-oiled mask of effectiveness, efficiency, niceness, self-sacrifice, soldiering on.

That mask does not fit me any longer. I won't squeeze myself into it.

This tender, squirming larva is exposed, sans armor.

Affirmations seem ridiculous right now.

Reminding myself of how far I've come doesn't hit home.

The fact that others believe in me, depend on me, are proud of me is no panacea.

Intellectual understanding rings hollow.

I seek a direct experience of my goodness. Of my inherent worth.

Some way to fill the howling void in the very center of me, that I've run away from since forever.

I squirm.