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We've seen the ED therapist a few times and she's pretty nice. She seems like a good fit so far.

On the other hand, we saw an allergist on monday and while it's incredibly relieving that our asthma and food allergies are real, it's also become incredibly destabilizing. We have lost pretty much all of our safe foods. No more peanut butter, no more oreos, no more silly treats out unless we're absolutely sure they're safe. Fast food and restaurants are a no unless we either know for sure they're safe or decide to be okay with being sick after eating. Even for the foods that we didn't show as allergic to, we are so allergic to the pollen that they just aren't safe to risk. We even forgot to mention some foods that we react to because we have been able to avoid them for so long; now that we're looking for replacements we're kicking ourself over it because we can't find replacements! We truly think that we have lost peanut butter and it's alternatives as a whole because all the alternatives we've found either include other allergens or intolerances.

It truly feels like the universe or something has decided that we should either never enjoy food or just never eat. If the textures good and it tastes good it will hurt us. If it brings us joy, if we have fond memories of the food, if it's safe by eating disorder or autism standards, it will hurt us. There's something incredibly demoralizing about finally getting answers after 16 years only to find out that we've been right all along, that our disordered eating, our asthma, our skin problems, our inability to lose weight, our severe environmental allergies, our personality shift between 3rd and 5th grade.. could have all been avoided? Or at least, softened? Not only our FOO, but our peers, teachers, extended family, friends and their families, the rare doctor.. they were all so mean! Almost nobody believed us, even fewer tried to help. It's further proof of neglect against our FOO, if not abuse with the way they treated our allergies. Just kinda lost in all the what-ifs and memories.

We want to get to the point where our eating and relationship with food isn't disordered. We want to stop feeling sick all the time and we want to stop feeling worse every time we eat. We want to stop fearing food. We want to stop getting consumed by contamination fears. All we've ever wanted is for food to stop being such a big, scary, impossible to deal with thing without turning our brain off and dissociating from the body. It just doesn't seem like we'll ever get that. It's hard coming to terms with something when every time you've previously accepted it, someone else has convinced you that it could be different. It doesn't seem like it could ever be different. Even if we do allergy shots and xolair, we will always have foods to avoid, we'll always have to be hypervigilant about food, and food will never be easy. So we're trying to figure out how to accept it in a healthy way.

Thank you all for responding, we're sorry you guys understand as much as you do.    Sending support and compassion back to all of you

We're able to be a bit less emotional about it now. We've been grey-rocking them to some extent since about 13 years old, and were grey-rocking them fully while we were in college and when we initially moved cities. If we were still able to work we think we'd still be able to grey-rock them, it's just since our body gave out that we've been having to talk with them/disclose more to them. They still know very little about our mental health and we plan on keeping it that way. They've also made it clear that letting them visit us is a condition for remaining on insurance/financial help; they visited on Sunday. We've been in limbo between being the golden child and the scapegoat for forever now, it's just that they've realized it no longer helps their image to treat us poorly now that we're out in the world without them.

We've been working on getting the fight back so we can advocate for ourself better and it's slow going. We can advocate for ourself decently with one doctor and okay-ish with another two, but new doctors and ER doctors are still kind of a no-go. Maybe we need to have our therapist work with us more on not defaulting to the fawn state. Maybe once we're actually getting treated for the pain we'll be able to be more present as well. It's been very overwhelming and we often feel like we're asking too much when we see our doctors, but since they seem to remain concerned we've been doing our best to keep up with it all.

We got the MRIs done last Friday (yay) and found out that our PCP had to call and fight with insurance twice; the day before and the very morning of our appointment because insurance kept trying to say the tests weren't necessary. Because of insurance issues FOO got some of our mail relating to the MRIs and that meant an extra-in-depth conversation about it all. It's weird to navigate because they can come off as genuinely concerned for a bit and then switch up so randomly, it's honestly more hurtful than if they hadn't changed at all.

Trigger Warning: medical talk, mentions of past neglect
We debated what topic to post this under for awhile, so please let us know if there's a better spot.

Our health has deteriorated more. Our tests are coming back abnormal but "fine" according to some of our doctors, while others are very concerned about our current state and symptoms, and are trying to connect us to doctors that can help. Our insurance, that we have through our birth-giver(BG), has also been dragging it's feet and making getting imaging tests done very difficult. Our BG knows this. We recently had some extended family (aunt/uncle, two cousins + spouses) visit our parents and sister's house. For weeks, our parents kept asking/rephrasing/telling us that they would pick us up and take us to their house for the visit. We said no every time, and it took explaining our difficulties riding in the car and the several appointments we had that week for them to back off. Monday was the last of that set of appointments. The appointment did not go well.

Well, our BG texted us asking about it shortly after we left the hospital. We didn't respond until today, when we were able to have our therapist support us through the response. Our BG called us after we responded. We called her back once our session was over, and we had a long conversation about our physical decline and difficulties with getting adequate/consistent care. For context, until we were living with our husband in a city two hours away from our parents, they would deny, delay, and obstruct us from receiving medical care. So these conversations are new, difficult, and scary. When talking about some suspected diagnoses, our BG said "you know, I've been wondering if you had X condition for awhile now". When we asked what "awhile" meant, she said "since middle school". That was deeply infuriating. Near the end of the call, she also said "I'm sorry for giving you a broken body". That one hurt. It still hurts. It's been hours and we can't shake it off, ignore it, or bury it. She didn't sound sorry. Her voice was steady, tinged with pity and annoyance. She didn't, or rather wouldn't, acknowledge that her medical neglect is what put us in this situation.

Despite this, we must remain in contact for survival. As maddening as it is, the slips of "oh I saw signs of that X years ago" that we occasionally get from BG are our best chance at filling in some medical history/only chance at validation that our issues are largely ongoing from childhood. We've been doing everything internally that we can to make our peace with our situation with our family, talking with our therapist about it, the works. Reminding ourself that once we can't remain on their insurance, we can let them go because they won't have anything for us at that point. Hopefully by then, two years, we'll be able to work again. But until then, we are still struggling to deal with them. Even with making peace with it, limiting contact, only giving them necessary information; they still find ways to hurt us and make us feel small.

Our left leg works at 50%. Sometimes, it loses function entirely. We are in constant pain from multiple conditions. And yet, no matter how often we remind them or how well we explain things, our family, and BG especially, seem to be under the impression that we're just not trying hard enough. They don't see how bad it really is, and as much as we are honest about how bad it is, we refuse to perform rock bottom for them. After the "sorry", BG spent another 2-3 minutes reiterating "you have to advocate for yourself" and "be annoying about it". But she can't see that she abused that fight out of us. We tried, many times as a kid to be heard and taken seriously about our health. She was the one who dismissed us and gaslit us about our concerns. She was the one who pushed us to think everything wrong with our body was "normal" and that we were just "weak" and "lazy". They just don't get it, most likely never will, and are somehow both aware and oblivious to their hand in our current state. It's exhausting. And we feel so much more alone when they do things like this.

Thank you both for your responses  . We have an appointment with an ED therapist today and we're nervous but we know we can't skip it. Here's to hoping that she selected "dissociative disorders" as a specialty because she actually understands them, and not to just get more clients. We've tried ED therapy once before but the therapist told us she "wasn't equipped to help with our issues" because of the DID/the ED being tied to trauma.

We finished the emergency meds but our stomach hasn't returned to normal yet. We finally can eat whenever we're hungry again though. We're counting down the days until we see the allergist and trying to compile a comprehensive list of foods that we react to and how. It's supposed to be one of the best allergy centers in the area.

Trigger Warning: religious trauma/abuse, mentions of physical/sexual abuse (no details), mention of suicide, fragmented memories

It's getting too hard to ignore the role that religious trauma has played in our trauma as a whole. Specifically, how tied it is to our scattered memories of being trafficked.

This will probably be mostly word vomit. Apologies in advance. We would also like to apologize in advance in case  our story doesn't belong in this sub-board, we know it could have been much worse.

It's always struck us as odd that our family considers themselves christian despite only about a quarter of them engaging in religion. Also that the quarter or so of them that engage in religion are seen as "less safe" for doing so.

It first began bothering us between 8 and 10. At that point we had been through catholic preschool, a baptist headstart, a lutheran pre-k, had been shipped to church with an older neighbor child on a bus (that child's older sibling was involved in our abuse), had been put into the bible trailer/school church program, and had been put into a weekly children's bible study at a baptist church, all due to our parents wanting that for us. They would discourage us from talking to them about religion, we were punished very harshly for doing anything more than practicing assigned bible verses, and at some points for just doing that. We vividly remember how bad the punishment started for accidentally hearing our father pray, though we have no recollection of the punishment itself or what he was saying beforehand. We were maybe 6 or 7. Our sibling was never treated the same way regarding religion, and was involved in significantly less religious things until they chose to be involved. Our mother was also the only parent who would engage with the adults in religious places, although significantly less involved with religion.

We also had consistently negative experiences in religious settings. Authority figures constantly bullying us, physical abuse, being punished for memorizing assigned verses, being used as the "sinners" example constantly despite constant fawning (to be seen as "good/obedient"), generally being held to an impossibly higher standard than our peers.. Then there's the black building. We only really have one memory of it, being taken there by bus for food(?), seeing all the food and being told wee wouldn't get it anymore, and then it stops. We can't remember the other children with us, but it was a small group. We can't remember if it was during preschool or kindergarten/first grade, but the building was about a 5 minute bus-ride from both our preschool and our k/1 elementary school.

We also can't remember more than the bus rides in regard to going to church with a neighbor. We know we went more than once, but our younger sibling was only ever allowed to join us once. Our sibling was allowed to go without us once or twice, after we were stopped from continuing, but it was a different bus and with a different neighbor child and their parent. We don't remember much about the bible trailers other than them being generally awful to us, just a lot of memories of the issues from the "authority figures" sentence. By the age of 6 we were convinced g-d "hated" us; maybe three months after our 6th birthday we began praying to g-d begging to be "buried" or "returned". We never prayed aloud, either. Even when completely alone. We continued to pray about similar things until 13 when we fully gave up.

By the time we were started in the children's bible study, we were extremely distressed by religion yet continued to attend, still fawning. The fawning plus the fear made others see us as both extremely devout and extremely "dirty". Again, we have very limited memories of this time outside of the common themes we experienced in religious spaces. We stayed at the same church for youth group once we got to middle school, and then got shuffled around between 5-6 other youth groups in the area until we finally were allowed to stop attending religious things at 16. We were kicked out of the first youth group after our first suicide attempt and our refusal to "let them mold us" afterwards. We were kicked from every youth group after that as well for various reasons, mostly relating to our mental health history or personal style. We were kicked from one for helping our friend through a panic attack.

We were always able to remember the things that happened during high school time, however, as we've gotten older and stayed away from religion we've been able to remember more. Especially once we left our parents house and were able to stay out of it. Some of the first things we remembered were what we talked about above, but we also started to remember "baptisms" that we never agreed to. There were at least three, two at the same church, and all were violent. One was done by other children/teens that were related to the pastor and owners and at the command of the pastor. We were also sexually harassed by those same peers, some others, and two of them got us a specific "job" in a church play so that they could SA us. There were instances of SA at school that were loosely related to the bible trailers. Around the same time, we had also started to ask our parents about the array of preschool/headstarts we attended, and like they had been doing since kindergarten, the story changed every time we asked. According to them, we either only went to catholic preschool and no other programs or we went to preschool and headstart but none of the other programs were church related. We also began to remember that adults had been involved in our SA, as up to that point we were only aware of cocsa and internet grooming. One of the adults was the older sibling (and his friends) of the neighbor we had gone to church with. Another was father of our other neighbor/childhood friend, who we had already been aware of being involved in/started the cocsa. Our father slipped up once and asked if our grandfather (who lived with us our whole life there) had ever SAed us. And admitted to catching some of the cocsa. And then last year, when we finally escaped our hometown and got a place of our own, memories started coming back that overwhelmingly point to our father and grandfather. There is no doubt that our father was involved, just no way to know how involved. Our mother and grandmother were aware to a degree as well. We don't think we can say anything more about the trafficking memories beyond that police were involved, but never to help.

Add all that in to medical and emotional neglect and constant gaslighting, the rapid switching between absent-parenting and helicopter-parenting, straight-up missing records, and knowledge from recently awakened/returned alters, and the picture is the closest to put-together that it's ever been. The bits of knowledge that we have from these "new" alters gives us some insight as to why our father was so angry at us for hearing him pray and why our family treated us the way they did around/about religion. Since 2017, our hometown has been arresting more and more predators. Multiple distributors have been caught and arrested. Teachers across multiple schools and levels have been fired, as well as certain teachers that moved from our county. The sheriff was raided. The bible trailer no longer exists.

And yet, we still don't really know what happened, what was actually connected, when the abuse shifted to mostly online.. We don't know how much we'll ever be able to handle knowing or get to know. It's hard to heal from something we can't fully understand. All of these pieces individually, we can hold. We don't go straight into denial. We can do some work on them, but it always hits a wall. But when they start fitting themselves together, even loosely, it becomes a struggle to not be consumed by denial. There are some that don't untangle anymore, even when the denial starts to pass. It's confusing. But we can't deny the role that the religious trauma and abuse played, and we can't ignore it anymore. It's lead to some terrifying questions, especially about the nature of our diagnosis, certain alters, and some of the ways our headspace works. The most we can do right now is acknowledge it, but we're hoping that it's enough for a little bit. Because we really don't know what to do with any of this.

Thannk you for your support dolly 

We finally have an appointment with an allergist (our first ever) at the end of September and we're nervous but excited. Our PCP also prescribed us Epi-pens so we have those for the first time ever too.

We looked into the subreddit, thank you for recommending it. I think we need some more guidance from doctors to really figure this out though. We've attempted low-histamine diets before, but we're unable to maintain both ED recovery and the diet on our own.

We're currently on a more limited diet than normal due to some emergency medications and it's rough. Five more days of strict eating times and a smaller-than-normal list of safe foods. It's taken a toll on us and our available energy at any given time, especially because our dietary supplement drinks are unsafe to drink while on these meds. Those drinks, despite containing small amounts of allergens/intolerances, are really what keep us going. It's especially frustrating to not be able to drink them after having gone without them for so many months. We just got them back 

TW: food allergies, eating disorders (ED), mention of bullying/family/weight/doctors

We have what we feel is too many issues with food. And this morning they were triggered pretty hard by something that we normally deal with fine. We ordered a breakfast sandwich from a gas station (easy breakfast normally) and we made the mistake of not checking it until we got home. When we finally checked in, they had put sausage on it and no egg. We ordered egg with no sausage, even says so on our receipts. And we haven't been able to bring ourselves to eat since.

We have a lot of allergies and intolerances, but they can be really inconsistent. We're always allergic to apples and almonds (and all other birch fruits/nuts), but our allergies to fruits and veggies (like strawberries, bananas, melons, carrots, tomato, etc) and nuts (cashews, pecans, walnuts, even peanuts) fluctuate in severity from "slight discomfort after eating too many" to "instant hives, dry mouth, and chest tightness after a bite". We can't digest red meat, poultry has to be kept to small amounts, we can't tell if we're allergic to shellfish or just get food poisoning, and we'll eat fish but due to autism sensory issues we'll pretty exclusively just eat mahi mahi. Soy, especially in higher concentrations, hurts us. Sesame seems to hurt us. We're lactose intolerant, not horribly, but we also reserve our dairy intake to cheese and butter for the most part. We can't tell if gluten hurts us or not, because we haven't had our stomach fully stop hurting in decades. We have to be so careful, and yet, not careful at all because soy is in everything. Xylitol (birch sugar) is a very common sugar replacement. Soy and peanut oils are so common. "Non-dairy" means almond milk 50% of the time. Or coconut milk, which we're also allergic to. We try to get meatless protein, but it's hard to find ones without other allergens in them. We're trying to get in with an allergist, but we're also terrified to see one because we've never been to a doctor about allergies before. Most current doctors don't believe us when they ask about them either. Sometimes it feels like they want us to go anaphylactic to believe us. Everything we know has been figured out through trial and error.

The allergies never being addressed properly is what made falling into anorexia/extreme restriction so easy. Our family/peers were never kind about our body, and then suddenly we were "allergic to healthy". It also didn't help that our family would most often exclusively feed us the "junk" they were always upset about us eating. Our whole FOO has emotional eating/binging issues, and we picked those up too. We've been dealing with ana/restricting for 14 years, and still we can't find a way out that's not still obsessive or leads to emotional eating and binging. We don't purge anymore, but that's mostly due to our body not being able to anymore. We also can't really exercise, due to pain and injuries, and it definitely makes it harder. We've tried in the past, the last time we were trapped in ED, and it's at least partially to blame for some of our injuries. Because hypermobility means moving carefully, but we didn't really know we were hypermobile or what it meant. We do our best to stretch and move, but some days just getting up and going to the bathroom is all we can manage.

So now, two years after the last time we decided to work on our disordered eating and be more careful about allergies, we're so close to being right back where we started. We've gained weight steadily over the past two years and at first we were okay, but our back injury last year stopped us from working or even really doing anything. We stopped gaining muscle and kept gaining weight and that's where the tipping point was. We stopped eating again at first, then started getting ensures and stuff to help with protein/nutrients. But we can't afford to buy supplements and meal replacements anymore. We also just can't make as much food anymore. It's hard to stand for that long, especially when leaning over the stove or counter. Our shoulders give up faster. Sometimes our hands won't grip things properly. Half the time by the time we've finished preparing our food we're in too much pain to eat. We try to keep easy air fryer/microwave things on hand, but our body has been rejecting a lot of frozen and premade foods recently. We try to keep prepackaged refrigerator meals on hand too, like salads, but it's a 50/50 on whether or not we'll react. Cereal is fine, but not very nutritious and gives us stomach issues if we eat it two days in a row, even with oat milk. Microwave oatmeal is a last resort because the texture is often so bad it takes our appetite away. Our sensory issues and pain honestly make even having an appetite difficult most the time. Because our family never took our food issues seriously, most of our "safe" foods in regards to autism hurt us. Or are straight up junk food, like oreos. So genuinely, we think we're addicted to oreos. The only way we can deny ourselves one is through ED brain/disordered eating.

We're sorry this is rambly and long and confusing. We're just so frustrated right now. It's become a pattern again. We either don't eat or eat barely anything until our husband is home. Even then we only really eat a decent meal if he makes one or we have enough leftovers for one. And when we do manage to eat, we eat too much. We eat food with little to no nutritional value. All the time we eat too fast. If we eat slow, we forget about it before we're full and then can't finish it because the temperature/texture has changed. We're hungry, we think, but absolutely nothing sounds tolerable. We're scared to eat anything that could make us feel worse, which is everything. Anxiety brain is on overdrive about allergies, ED brain won't leave us alone about "what's healthy and possibly acceptable", and autism/sensory issues only want oreos right now. It feels like being stuck on a ferris wheel that rotates forwards and backwards and spins both directions from the center axis.

We kind of have lists. We've attempted a couple of "timelines" over the years, though it's never been easy to do. I (Starr) don't think we've ever finished a timeline or made a full list. For the most part, we just journal when memories are too intense if we have the ability to write through it, and sometimes when we've had consistent memories from around the same time frames we'll list out the basics of what happened/who was involved during that time period.

Learning the balance between using our writings/lists to help combat the denial and using them to the point of triggering ourselves has been difficult. It's a very fine line for us, and it "moves" with our window of tolerance. Having a therapist has been very helpful in finding the line, but not a guarantee that we won't slip into triggering ourselves. Being able to list off or share the list with our therapist and having her confirm that she believes us/can see the way it affected us has been helpful in reducing denial in general. Still have intense denial periods, though, and especially after any family interactions.

Our FOO used to watch that show a lot back when we lived with them. There were definitely some characters/storylines that were interesting, but we found it too triggering to watch. Definitely one of those shows we wish was a book/series, or one of those shows we (unrealistically) wish would give a spinoff to specific characters.

I'm curled up in the grass off to the side of the porch, watching the bugs and birds crawl and fly around when I'm not napping. The fireflies are out and land on me on occasion.
- Gráinne, the oil-slick dragon

what came to mind was that the part holding that core belief can be given a new one, a true one to believe in.

Blueberry, this is what we've been (slowly) working on with our therapist when it comes to our core/primal wounds. It's been very slow-going, but we've had one (or two if you count the one in progress) alter/part be able to hold a new belief. Sabela, the alter that's been able to replace her core belief, has always been a protector, though before we worked on the wound it was kinda hard to call her that. She would take over whenever our autonomy/safety felt threatened and do what she needed to survive, because her core belief was that she "deserved" to be in those situations/that she was "made" for those situations. The core wound was believing those situations were normal, and that we were supposed to react/respond the way(s) Sabela did. Technically we're still working on this wound, but Sabela held it the strongest/is the most active of those who hold it. Her new belief is that she was "made" to help keep us alive and safe, and that she is one of the most capable of our alters when it comes to protecting our autonomy and safety. Sometimes she still slips into the old beliefs/struggles with the wound, but Sabela doesn't spiral as hard around them anymore and often can "snap out of it" to help other alters/parts regulate when they spiral around that wound. Seraphina's (another protector) also come back since we started working with Sabela on that, and we think that made a big difference on Sabela's capacity to help in this area.

We also have the same "I'm all bad and shouldn't exist" belief, and that one's definitely been harder to deal with. There are more of us who hold that belief in general, and current life circumstances make it a bit harder to deal in general. We haven't had anyone get fully past this one; the best we can do is feel neutrally about ourselves. But we think (for ourselves at least), that being able to feel neutral about existing has helped lessen the intensity of the wound. When everything's felt so bad for so long, just finding a middle ground tends to feel like a challenge. And it is, but so far it's been the only thing that's helped in this area.

The psych definitely agrees with our CPSTD/PTSD diagnosis. And she technically shouldn't be allowed to remove our DID diagnosis unless we stop meeting criteria. It's been diagnosed three separate times by different providers and practices over about 3 years. I think what was really frustrating was that until the psych wanted to talk about mood stabilizers, she was on "our side" of BP1 being an old diagnosis that doesn't accurately apply to us.

We talked to our therapist this morning and she set up a meeting with the psych to go over some things like reminding the psych about how the DID works and that certain types of meds are a last resort for us. Apparently just from reading the psych's visit notes she could tell that we were disregulated and not fully present, which is honestly really great for us because it proves that we're not being thrown to the wolves with this.

We had our first psych appointment today. We were supposed to have therapy before it & our therapist accompany us, but she had a migraine today.

It wasn't bad. The psych isn't bad, per se. It was mostly intake and answering questions. She brought up the possibility of BP1 again to us and it definitely doesn't sit well. She brought up borderline again as well. We wish we could sign something that says "I have DID and autism. Stop calling me bipolar; stop bringing up borderline just to say nevermind." but we know that's a bit of an overreaction. We're not sure that she believes everything we say, but we can't tell if it's just anxiety or if we saw the signs of someone not listening. Our story isn't believable to a lot of people. She wants to put us on a mood stabilizer but is letting us wait to make any decisions until we meet again. We were having trouble keeping it together towards the end. Everything in us wanted to just scream because it doesn't feel like she actually understands how scary medication is for us or how difficult that appointment actually was. But it wasn't bad. We see our therapist like four more times before we see the psych again and we're going to tell her that we won't see the psych again until we get at least one joint session with both of them.

Kind of, yeah. We experience it somewhere between what you and NarcKiddo described. There have been a few times where we've tried to take over for/control others to avoid a prediction coming through, but for the most part we use it to start formulating a response/reaction to the prediction.

We also sometimes have predictions in our dreams/nightmares. For those, we tend to have the prediction 1 year or more before the thing happens, but they tend to be pretty accurate. They aren't always negative, and it's not always events, sometimes it's places we've never been or thought about, and then years later we end up in that place and have this deep feeling of "We knew we would be here". Sometimes it's about people coming into our life or leaving. Shortly after we dropped out of college, there was this guy that would show up in our nightmares (mostly about family), and he would take us away from them. The dreams went on for a couple weeks and then disappeared. We had those dreams pop up again about a year later. Because they were dreams we were pretty heavily in the mindset of "our brain made up a random person to save us". About a year after the last of those dreams, we met our fiance. It wasn't an instant recognition, but when we finally went on our first date after talking online it we could tell it was him. The guy that randomly showed up in our dreams to take us away from our family. His hair was a bit longer than his profile pictures, but it was the exact length that it was in our dreams. It took us until this year (2 years in) to tell him about the random dream guy that was him. We managed to avoid getting hit by a ceiling light once because as soon as we stepped into the room, our brain started showing us the light falling and hitting us. We brushed it off at first (we were used to being told our anxiety had too much control over us), but we stayed near the edge of the room to be cautious and we missed getting hit by about an inch.

When we were really young, ~10 and under, we would tell our grandmother and sometimes our parents about our prediction dreams. Our parents never entertained those for long, but our grandmother tried. We stopped sharing anything like that with them all around 10 because they kept getting more and more defensive when our predictions were true. We also used to have dreams about things that had happened in the family before we were born or that would have happened when we were a baby, and we think those are why our parents didn't entertain them. Our grandmother confirmed a decent amount of the past prediction dreams we had, she couldn't confirm all of them of course, but she confirmed enough of them that she didn't want to hear them anymore. Our family largely regarded us as "too in tune" with things as a child and these dreams were definitely part of it.

Thank you to everyone who responded 

We've figured out a bit more about Asdis, it's not much, but it's something. It seems that she's been disappearing behind the seal, without opening it, and that she doesn't always seem to be in control of when she disappears. It also seems like she may be being influenced by something/someone behind the seal, and that maybe that's part of why her behaviors/words are so unpredictable and contradictory. We also told our fiance more about what she's been doing internally, and he's been trying to start building some level of trust with her. It hasn't gone poorly, but it hasn't gone well either. She will let him express affection towards us (system as a whole), and will let us be affectionate towards him, but is very very against being told she herself is loved. She is sometimes okay with talking to him, although she shuts down pretty quickly and can become internally violent if she doesn't like a question or comment. We're still really unsure about what to do with all this, but we're managing.

We don't think that she led us here, solely because she is upset that we're even in therapy, let alone in support groups. We also don't think that she's looking for love or attention as she has told our fiance that she doesn't want love or to be loved, and also has been trying to stop us from reaching out to anyone for any reason, even if they reach out first. There is a slight possibility that that holds some weight though, because her reasoning for not wanting those things (from what we can gather) is that we don't need/deserve love or attention. It's a bit murky as she is only consistent in the sense that she won't allow internal peace to last longer than maybe 5-10 minutes at a time.

We don't know about the probability thing, but thank you for sharing. We might try it when the ocd-like symptoms die down a bit. And for the hallucinations, it's pretty confusing to figure them out. We do have a decent amount that we know are flashbacks or rooted in flashbacks, but we know that's not all of them. We know the random/shadow figures we see and the living noises we hear are tied to our trauma, they happen most intensely when a strong denial episode hits. We think that some of the "monsters" might be tied to trauma as well, though we deal with those most intensely during periods of uncovering new memories or during flooding. However we have a weird thing where we are able to see/hear either nightmares or flashbacks as if they are the real world without losing connection/ability to see/hear the real world. It's honestly kind of rare that we don't experience that, it's not 24/7 but usually persists for about 1-5 hours a day. With the way Asdis has been we've been dealing with them a bit more as well.