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thank you both 

Unborn and already
A path has been chosen
By those that are not them -
To become another cog
In the inescapable machine that is society.

Born - early, half dead.
A step toward failure in
The eyes of their creator
For what they cannot control -
To be fixed and set right
On the path that they will learn to detest.

Developing - on time
To the doctors' surprise.
The creator gives praise,
But the approval never lasts -
The environment is unsteady and
Unfit for angels to properly grow.

Learning - to please
Instead of exist as one's own,
Matured in the wrong ways
For an angel of that age -
Molded to never cause concern
No matter the magnitude of circumstance.

An inconvenience to their maker
Unless they could be shown off
For the benefit of the creator -
In private often belittled
And ignored for so much as being a child.

In public a model,
A display of perfection -
Quiet, reserved. Listens well.
A miniature of their puppetmaster
(As what the creator allowed to be seen).

Yearning - to deviate
To become their own
Without the wrath that
Has always followed a stray
From the carefully chosen path
That their master has made so
Impossibly unachievable.

Desperate - attempting to remove
Their wings, Trying everything to
Fall from grace -
To be cast aside and never acknowledged
Or cared for again.
An attempt to be free
Executed in the worst ways -
Broken and bleeding they
Almost always return to
The way it was before as
Their creator sees nothing but
A way to start over and
Mold them once again
Into something unattainable.

For the rest of eternity
All the angels who taste individuality
Pursue endlessly that
Momentary tinge of
Identity; willing to
Try anything and
Everything to become
Angels of their own
Once again, well
If you could call them that.

we put this name (Asdis) together while researching Old Norse. we then found out it's already an Icelandic name. the first part "Ás" is Old Norse for "god" and "dís" is Old Norse for "goddess". we like the name because we have a very large system and have many different genders within and it's one of the few names that feels like it can encapsulate all of us.

hi. we're new here. we are a DID system and use Asdis for the system as a whole. we're 23 (almost 24). we also tend to switch between using we and I, so apologies in advance for any confusion. we do our best to be consistent, but we still miss it sometimes. we are also autistic and live with chronic pain and chronic health conditions, as well as other mental illnesses and are in recovery from substance abuse (2 years!!!).

we're not exactly sure what to say about how we developed CPTSD aside from saying that we had an insanely abusive childhood that was incredibly well hidden and protected/ignored by the community members that did know. at 13 we were told by others for the first time that we were experiencing abuse, but still were not believed by anyone in power. we attempted suicide at 13 and were court mandated to go inpatient due to our parents fighting with CPS. that hospital stay was very traumatic and it added extra layers of denial for us as the main message from all the adults and professionals during that was that we were making things up and looking for reasons to be mentally ill. the only true positive to come out of it was starting therapy at 13, even if we avoided the root problems until we dropped out of college. after we turned 18, we didn't go to therapy consistently until 21 (almost 22) due to lack of access and more gaslighting from professionals when we did try. we've been on more medications than we can remember and the best experience we had was minor side effects from an ineffective med. we've been inpatient a total of three times and all were traumatizing. so now we only do therapy.

after our last hospitalization, our fiance was able to help us move in with them and finally leave our "hometown" behind. we have been living together in an apartment for the last year after leaving their family's place last summer. "new" repressed memories have been flooding us at least once a month for the last two years. our physical health has been deteriorating since we left our hometown. we can no longer work. but our fiance has stuck by our side through it all and the last year has been the most peaceful year of our life. we have been with the same therapist for almost three years now and have made some progress. our healing and recovery is largely focused on acceptance, parts work, and managing day-to-day life. we don't know what we want from healing, aside from maybe feeling like a person one day.

we're sorry if this is too long, we tried to keep it as short as possible.