Hi Marcine,
You sound like an amazing person. Congratulations on your progress and your journey!
Jack
You sound like an amazing person. Congratulations on your progress and your journey!
Jack
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#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Jack Evans - Intro
May 20, 2025, 07:03:03 PM
Hey ya'll,
I am new to OOTS. I, like many of you I would guess, live in a bit of a roller coaster up and down with CPTSD. I hit a Valley in my peaks and valleys path and went looking for a community where I could participate and share, somewhat anonymously.
I grew up in a violently christian home. And by that, I mean that I was tortured with what my psychiatrist described as "Religious or Spiritual Trauma". It took me a long time to let myself believe that it could have caused the harm that it actually did. I was not hit, or beat, but the wounds seem deeper than a bruise on the skin. I grew up with no self esteem, no confidence and living in self hatred. By 15, I was sick of living like that and decide to fight it. Which then made me the rebellious teen. I was actually just being a boy, but I was made out to be satan's spawn.
I ended up in law enforcement due to my deep need to protect others. My police career took me first into working the projects in a large city, and then into narcotics investigations as an undercover detective, and ultimately as a very young assistant chief in a small police department. I ended up leaving law enforcement and I am now an international attorney, working in commodities and finance transactions. My time as a police officer made my PTSD as bad as it was going to get. I attempted to end my life in 2017, and now I am a speaker on PSDT within the Military and with First Responders to try and help others who may be considering self harm.
Because of my time in Christian * growing up, I have a severe and negative reaction to anything that makes me feel like I am being controlled, and my wife was neglected as a child and so she tries to control situations out of self preservation and looking for love. These two issues create a lot of heart ache between the two of us. Only the fact that we are best friends, that I am obsessed with her, and that she is an absolute angel for putting up with me, are we still married after more than 20 years of marriage.
Thank you for reading, and I look forward to participating in this great group.
I am new to OOTS. I, like many of you I would guess, live in a bit of a roller coaster up and down with CPTSD. I hit a Valley in my peaks and valleys path and went looking for a community where I could participate and share, somewhat anonymously.
I grew up in a violently christian home. And by that, I mean that I was tortured with what my psychiatrist described as "Religious or Spiritual Trauma". It took me a long time to let myself believe that it could have caused the harm that it actually did. I was not hit, or beat, but the wounds seem deeper than a bruise on the skin. I grew up with no self esteem, no confidence and living in self hatred. By 15, I was sick of living like that and decide to fight it. Which then made me the rebellious teen. I was actually just being a boy, but I was made out to be satan's spawn.
I ended up in law enforcement due to my deep need to protect others. My police career took me first into working the projects in a large city, and then into narcotics investigations as an undercover detective, and ultimately as a very young assistant chief in a small police department. I ended up leaving law enforcement and I am now an international attorney, working in commodities and finance transactions. My time as a police officer made my PTSD as bad as it was going to get. I attempted to end my life in 2017, and now I am a speaker on PSDT within the Military and with First Responders to try and help others who may be considering self harm.
Because of my time in Christian * growing up, I have a severe and negative reaction to anything that makes me feel like I am being controlled, and my wife was neglected as a child and so she tries to control situations out of self preservation and looking for love. These two issues create a lot of heart ache between the two of us. Only the fact that we are best friends, that I am obsessed with her, and that she is an absolute angel for putting up with me, are we still married after more than 20 years of marriage.
Thank you for reading, and I look forward to participating in this great group.
#3
New Members / Re: What's in a Name - Part 3
May 20, 2025, 06:49:47 PM
Thank you both for your replies. I would be happy to introduce myself in the new member section. This feels like a good space.
#4
New Members / Re: What's in a Name - Part 3
May 11, 2025, 07:18:33 PM
As is the case with many stories, mine is a strange one. My CPTSD is derived from childhood trauma, but intensely worsened by my time in law enforcement. I worked undercover in narcotics investigations and my undercover identity was "Jack Evans". Whenever I trigger, dissociate, experience what I call a "white out", or become irrationally angry, I call that version of myself "Jack Evans" to distinguish the "monster" from the real "me". Sort of like a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde type arrangement. The guilt of my reactions is easier to deal with when I see the actor as a different person.
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