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[understand]

She cries.
No one exactly knows why,
Or what made her cry. But she does.
Physical, mental, emotional pain
Crowds into her typical cheery demeanor
Overwhelming her in the ultimate distress and horror
With which she witnesses. She has no control over
Her body anymore. She cries at the stupidest things,
Shouts at the most illogical disasters. And yet no one cares.
She feels as though she can deal with it. Take upon her own
Yoke created by others to appear like she is that strong young
Woman everyone makes her out to be. But they are wrong.
She screams at them hoping they can hear her distress,
She stays silent in hopes that they will find that
she is holding back tears. But she is alone in her pain.
No one she knows canunderstand the pain she faces.
NO ONE. Her life has been unique and carved out by dishonest,
Cruel abusers who felt that they should control her every whim,
Every hope, and dream of escaping the life they dug her into.
And so this yoke she carries is heavy almost crushing her spirit
Along with her body to the point that she cannot even get up
And face another useless battle against her oppressors.


After I wrote this I realized this is how PTSD or CPTSD is for me.

[everything]

Back in August of 2008 my brother and I were taken from our mother and her boyfriend due to emotional, mental, and some physical abuse given by our mother and her man. I was 14 going on 15 and my brother is about 2 years younger than I am. She let a lot of bad things happen, but I do not remember all with clarity. I typically have a very good memory, thanks to my dad, but this time of my life is very fuzzy. I know it has to do with PTSD, but I was also placed on a lot of heavy medication (because she believed I had bipolar and the psychiatrist listened to her not me). Of course the medication made me drowsy for the entire day literally. When I refused to wake up and gave her hard times she came up the stairs and yanked me by hair pulling me down the stairs that way. She told me I need to go to school. At this point of my life I was also bullied at school, taunted, called fat. I called myself fat, ugly, and stupid. And I was depressed as well. When I threatened to kill myself or throw a tantrum she would take me to the hospital. One time I admit I bit her because she was trying to restrain me I think, and I was taken to the hospital and restrained. Another time she called the cops and they put me in handcuffs and stuck me into the ambulance. I think just by that I became traumatized. What preteen wouldn't?

But at the beginning of the summer was when he came into our life and practically tore everything up. He would taunt my brother, call him chicken because he was crying and "real" men don't cry. He would tell me to clean the dishes that are so piled high it is impossible to do in one sitting. I also have to do my mother's laundry because her "back" is too bad to do that. Of course what she does now is back breaking work. And that makes me furious now that I think about it!!! There were times he black mailed us through chores, that if we didn't clean we couldn't go somewhere. So school and home were my personal places of torment. There was one time that the guy told me to stand still and he would put an apple on my head and throw a knife to hit the mark. There was a time where I threw my typical before school fit and he took everything, I mean everything from me. He told me since I acted like a 3 year old that I was grounded and I couldn't do anything except to eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom.

Well, up until going to camp in August my life was rather stressful. When I went to camp I begged my grandfather, my bishop (church was the only safe spot for me), my camp leaders to not let me go back to that terrible place. I was practically in tears. I remember just how terrified I was. The week was awesome but thinking about going back home was something I didn't want. So my grandfather took me home until we could figure something out. At that time I had this distinct and very powerful feeling to call my father (who didn't know anything about this, and wasn't in my life very much anyways) to ask for help. I did explain to him what was happening and much later my grandfather told me that dad had given him permission to take us from the home. For a few months we were in the system but stayed with our grandparents. I remember that dad eventually gave up his rights as a parent because he couldn't provide for either of us.

So skip to now...I am still with my grandparents, I am finishing up my second year at a junior college. I have a short play published from events in my summer of demons, and I am in the Honor society with more 4.0's then 3.5's and 3.0's combined. I lost my dad almost four years ago, my grandma (My dad's mother) almost 2 and I still struggle with my PTSD. I am Obsessed with my grades, and I am freaking out because my 3.5 in math isn't good enough for me, I told myself I would have straight 4.0s in math. I was until this professor. But at the same time I am so depressed that its not good enough that why should it matter anymore? My grandparents don't understand. They aren't very open minded about my PTSD. They don't get that it affects me 10 times more than my brother and I don't think they ever will. I lash out and sometimes it has ended up with me getting hit by my grandfather.

For me trusting people men in particular is a huge issue. I hate having to deal with his hoarding (He has had some bad head injuries in the current years and has suffered from it) because it was a mess in my mother's house and my brother and I had to deal with it there too. So I have a bunch of homework and my grandparents expect my brother and I to clean up, take care of the yard (3 and a half acres), take care of the 8 animals (Only 2 aren't technically theirs. My brother and I got two kittens through the permission of them) and so grandpa went out and adopted a puppy and 2 other cats after that. And another trigger of mine is Puppies. My mother tried to get me to train a Great Dane puppy when I was 12 and that went well....Not! And this puppy chews!!! Like no tomorrow! He has ruined too many headphones of mine (Listening to music in the car is another coping method of mine), the couch, the chairs. Of course our grandparents can not afford to get training lessons. Grandpa expects ME to train this stupid pup while expecting me NOT to lash out. Sure I shouldn't hit him and I feel bad enough but since I had no say in this puppy adoption or training I am feeling very ousted and they say they understand, they DON'T. It is like talking to a brick wall and I get nothing!!!!

I am grateful that they helped me when I was younger, but I have had enough of being their care takers. And my MOTHER comes in and out of my stupid life acting as if nothing is her stinking fault. She blames it all on Grandpa. And if that isn't enough, the help I seek out from my church don't really UNDERSTAND the position I AM coming from! I have PTSD for Pete's sake and forgive me for saying things that I do because people like my grandfather refuses to understand or just listening and NOT Talk. I get advice all the time. But can't someone just listen for once. The only person who can truly comprehend my feelings is my brother, but I don't think he is as severe as me. I am just done. I am tired of being that person every one thinks I am.....


P.S. Do you think I could have C-PTSD? And also I am not as young as I sound like, I am 22 going on 23 but there are just times where I sound so immature. I think I am more aggressive when I need to protect myself.