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I'm glad you found us, too! Nature is definitely like balm for my nervous system too. I'm wishing you many moments with a dog in the woods, you deserve it.

Welcome! I'm glad you're here. I am really sorry about the loss of your cat, that's really hard. I too found the Pete Walker CPTSD book really inspiring to take my healing journey to new places. Also side note--I am envious you live in a different country from your family of origin, I would love that!

I am so impressed that you have set some healthy limits with an abusive person--that is really, really hard, especially as your mom--and that you have found EMDR and therapy! And you're doing so at such a young age; I didn't really start grappling with trauma till my 30s. Welcome, and I'm glad you're here!

I appreciate what Kizzie said too about having a supportive partner but still having dreams of betrayal, invalidation, or dismissal--wow that is so me! Our brains marinated in awful relationships and those wires run deep and are still wanting to get us safe. Sometimes it gets mixed up with who is right in front of us. 

Welcome LandedBird! I too believe we are suffering the symptoms of a diseased world! I'm glad you put it that way. The safety of children is a communal responsibility, and if we all really kept children safe from trauma we wouldn't have CPTSD. I am sorry to hear that you are suffering from immobility that is so triggering. I am sending you healing wishes and a warm welcome.

hi SapphireQueen, I'm glad you're here, glad you're exploring life beyond abuse and that you have the support of a therapist. Welcome!

Hi Beet! Welcome! And kudos to you for being a mature grad student while healing from CPTSD, and taking the steps to be here! I'm grateful to 21 year old you as well. I've been going through a rough patch myself and it's a comfort to have others join this space.

Hi Lina, I'm so glad you're here. Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry for the abuse you suffered. I too was abused by an older brother and parents were no help, though in a different way. I'm glad you are working on healing now, you deserve it.

Welcome, I'm glad you're here! And I too am grateful to find kindred spirits here. I liked what you said about nonverbal trauma being the hardest when triggered, that really speaks to what I have been going through recently. And yes I have found Janina Fisher helpful as well. I am grateful you have found helpful therapies. I am in my 40s and have had so many fits and starts with therapy--for me after I make some progress the relationship always breaks down and I feel like a failure. I am hopeful for my next decade of healing after meeting you here.

Hi Pete, welcome! I'm glad you're here, and well done working on healing your CPTSD. I second the recommendation of Pete Walker's book on CPTSD. It was my impetus for this last go-round of trying to heal. None of us are without hope, especially those of us who are working to heal. I'm really sorry about your most recent breakup, that really hurts. I'm sure it caused emotional flashbacks too (one of the most helpful concepts I got from Pete Walker). I know I can get really angry really quickly too, and I feel ashamed of that. You're not alone. It makes sense given how our brains developed in a state of constant fear, and brains can always heal.

Welcome back! I totally get the feeling of being scared coming back after having needed to take a break. Glad you're here.

Hello, and welcome! I'm glad you're here. It's totally OK to be in the middle and be unsure of like, was this trauma? You're not alone, and you can trust yourself

I agree with all of the above suggestions. Some questions I wished I had asked are around ruptures and boundaries and feedback and treatment plan. How often will be circle back to our treatment plan to discuss progress and what we're working on? How do you foster a collaborative working relationship? What are your policies around out-of-session contact? How will you respond when I tell you that I'm feeling bad in the relationship, or didn't like something that you did or said, or it doesn't feel like it's working? Can you give me an example of how you handled a situation like that in the past?

Thank you to Blueberry and everyone for this thread. I'm grateful you asked the question. I have always wondered this, if I'll ever really get to "process", get to the "remembrance and mourning," do the "unburdening," or have the EMDR "target"--all these therapy terms!!!--for my sense of inner worthlessness. Sometimes it sounds like a fantasy. Though supposedly we are supposed to be able to get there with a good therapist, and Judith Herman's T&R seems to imply that it happens.

I myself have tried long-term therapy many times, the last two times with therapists I sought out specifically for their EMDR expertise, the last one specifically for CPTSD and they did IFS, and both times the relationship ended after 2+ years in very painful ways. We ended up re-enacting some dynamics, it's sad. I really tried. CPTSD therapy is intense, transference-wise, I know that. Sometimes it feels like if I were healthier--felt less shame, less worthlnessness, more trust--we'd be able to actually process the trauma, but that's a silly circle! Mostly I think that therapy just isn't set up generally to provide therapists with enough support to stay steady through all the countertransference they experience.

So sadly the answer is no. But what helps me, if that might help you, is two things. The concept of glimmers, like maybe focusing on little moments that echo the feeling of goodness inside that we would like to really live in, embody, 100% of the time. Small moments of safety, like someone mentioned above spending time in nature, and just noticing them as much as we can.

The second thing that I lean hard on with the worthlessness, is the line from Trauma and Recovery: "The abused child faces an formidable existential task as well. Her sense inner badness gives her meaning, hope, and power. If she is bad, then her parents are good. If she is bad, then she can try to be good, and then someday finally win the protection and care she so desperately needs." Basically, feeling worthless has given me meaning in life, and weirdly a sense of hope, and a sense of my own power. Because it once was the basis of my attachment to my FOO--my food, shelter, all my human connection possible. I feel that deep shame needs and deserves respect and almost gratitude, and we can respect the tenacity with which our systems hold onto it.

Oh a third thing: I printed out Pete Walker's reparenting affirmations from his CPTSD book and turned them into flashcards I look at every day, in the hopes of imprinting in them into my working memory. I don't know if it works, but it certainly gives me words to say to others in my life, and to help me know what I need to hear.

Solidarity

Thank you for this post! And for the commenters for following up!

I appreciate the Janina Fisher CPTSD flashcard that points out that anger itself can be triggering--feeling it or being around it in others.

I'd also encourage you to never tell your anger that it's unjustified. It's there for a reason. It may be triggering an emotional flashback as well, at the same time, but I'll bet it's coming from something real in the present that deserves your care and attention.

My kids get really angry over seemingly little things, especially when they are hungry or tired or we haven't been able to connect. When I interact with them, I hope I wouldn't tell them their anger was unjustified! I find we are able to soothe together when I actually over-emphasize that their feelings matter. Same goes for little parts in adults.

I went to my survivors support group recently and others were talking about their rage--mostly at other people who deserve it. But I really mostly have it constantly at my therapist. I feel embarrassed about that. But I appreciate your post's title because I feel less alone!

Thanks for bringing this up. Structural dissociation theory is a parts therapy that's not IFS. It's more sort of like, if we are in parts it's because of trauma, and there are a fixed set of parts, not like infinite ones with their own histories etc. Someone above recommended Janina Fisher's book and I highly recommend that, and her flashcards for CPTSD!