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Hi, I could use some support. I think about my therapist all night and all day. I check my phone constantly to see if she has texted back. I write in my journal for hours every day about my feelings about therapy and the therapist. I am not able to work at all. I went to bed before the kids last night, didn't eat dinner with them or do our usual bedtime routine (my partner did). I feel like my life revolves around whether my therapist still wants me or not, still likes me, will be able to repair this latest rupture. We had a HUGE blow up after my last session. I got hugely triggered. I tried to end therapy. Then I ended up begging for her back. Then she was like, I have to consult about this and told me all about how termination would work. Then she says, I am hopeful we can continue. The trigger was: all week I had been tormented by some new things (maybe memories) popping into my mind. Sick *. **TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE NEXT SENTENCE! FEEL FREE TO SKIP!!!*******  It was my dad sadistically threatening to kill me over and over while abusing me. ***///END TRIGGER WARNING!**** I had contacted the therapist multiple times over the course of the previous week to be like, I'm struggling with this and she had been so supportive.

I arrive at the appointment and I am surprised to see a friend/coworker coming out of her office. This friend/coworker is someone who has made clear i can't talk about trauma or feelings about family estrangement around her. I knew we shared a therapist but about six months ago or so I noticed that the therapist stopped scheduling me right after the friend, possibly because I kept making comments that this made me uncomfortable--mostly minimizing it. "It's fine! I don't want to make you uncomfortable!" etc., fawning.

Anyway so I had a really busy weekend after the session, where we talked mostly about how uncomfortable I felt about the friend/coworker, and only in the last ten minutes I shared a couple of pieces of the horrible memory I had come in to talk about, in a panic. I remember leaving the session being like, "Are you ok?" to the therapist. I felt bad having her hear this stuff. Then a couple of days later, I was going to bed, and I was overcome by this overwhelming feeling of like, this is absolutely intolerable that I am sharing a therapist with this friend. I felt enormously betrayed. I felt intense hatred of both of them. I felt sick and disgusting. Going over my journal entries from that time, honestly I thought I'd sound crazier than I was. But what I was saying made a lot of sense. it was just really triggering, especially as an incest victim, to be part of a triangulated relationship (me, my mom, my dad reminds me of me, the friend/coworker, and the therapist).

I texted the therapist my rage. I raged on the phone. I definitely activated her parts. She seemed ready to accept my self-termination and say goodbye. Wouldn't that make her life easier! Then the next day I crossed a line, I think, for her, consciously or not. I asked, why can't you refer one of us out? Can you explain to me why you can't, or why you didn't before when you realized we knew each other this well? And instead of answering the question, the therapist on the phone started sharing her thought process like, hmm maybe I can. But it would probably be you because I started seeing you later, and because this friend needs my specialty, something even more hard to find than CPTSD therapy specialty.

You know what I wish she would have said? "Here's why I chose not to do it; it's my responsibility to make sure our relationship is safe, and I feel confident that it is." Or: "I hadn't really thought about that. Let me think about it and get back to you when I see you  next." Then, I spend the next two days panicked. She's going to abandon me. I trusted her. I thought this one was going to be different. For two years, and especially the past year, this therapy has anchored my week. I always show up. It's been a HUGE part of my life. She and my partner are the only two people in the world who know what I've been going through, what memories have been surfacing, what phantom pains I have been feeling. I believed she could be different, she was different. I can't lose this, what have I done?!!!!

I start begging for her back. A couple of days later, she says she's consulted about it and she's "hopeful" she can still see me. All the power is back in her court. No apology for scheduling me back to back with someone she knew triggers me to see there. I apologize profusely for how I acted. I know she would prefer just to see the friend/coworker. I texted the friend last week, hey, I decided to stop seeing the therapist, just letting you know--it was getting too awkward. The friend is like, "It's not awkward for me, I trusted both of you." I had told the therapist I was texting the friend. I think that freaked her out that we would talk about her. But I had (mistakenly!) referred the friend to her! It started with us talking about her!

Simultaneously, I feel like I would die of despair if I lost this therapist, and I am terrified by the power she has over my life. it's like she has become the perpetrator to me, in parts of my mind. Parts of me are focused intently on her every move, on managing this relationship. I can't focus on anything else,  not even for a moment. I have to make this okay. But I have a few days before my next session and she hasn't responded to my last text apologizing genuinely for my anger in an emotional flashback/amygdala hijack and asking politely for an extra session to process this rupture.

I have been through this before, a little over a decade ago, when I first became aware of the CSA. That therapist ended up being abusive and punishing in response to my intense emotions. I thought this therapist was different. She is, a little bit. But she definitely was in her parts in her communications with me last week. I feel like I had to be the therapist after she started talkinga bout terminating me. I was like, you know, I think this was an emotional flashback, I think it was triggered by what I needed to talk about last session and not about the fact my friend sees you. And then she seemed to like the Submit part coming out, begging for her back.

I have only lived my life two ways. Either flooded with facing the trauma or completely in denial of it and hating myself for my family estrangement and all my intrusive thoughts. I wanted to work through this, to feel the sunshine. The only way I've been able to do that are for a few brief weeks where things were stable with this therapist, and I'd have a few days before our weekly session where I could honestly think about other things. A rhythm to the week of intensely focusing on it, processing the aftermath and resting, and then, my brain feels a little free for a day or two or so. Otherwise I'm going through the motions of life, but thinking about==did he really do this to me? Did that really happen?

Now I feel like I'll never get to that point again. I'll have to start over with someone else. This would be my 19th therapist in my life. I feel like, there are some things you can do to a child that they truly, truly, can never recover from. I don't want her to abandon me. I don't want her to let me go. I want to be like other people and have a therapist for several years (it's been 2 years--my long-term therapies always end with a blow up after 2 years). this therapist is going through a personal crisis I know (she's had to cancel some emergency sessions). no doubt she wants to get rid of me and keep the friend who does not have CPTSD and who doesn't feel triggered by sharing a therapist with me. CSA survivors are "frankly hated" as judith herman says. I want my life back, but I'm desperate for my therapist. That makes me want to die, but I want to stay alive for my kids.

Last night I texted a rape crisis hotline. It was nice to share this there. I'm glad I did. They told me about a survivor's group that meets tomorrow night. I had to laugh out loud. I have asked this therapist so many times for a group! And she has had nothing to offer me in response! I will give it a try, if I'm brave. But I feel like I'm not really a sexual violence survivor. One rape, like my MPSA as a teen, is a tragedy. Years and years of assaults by family members--to everyone else in the world, that's a condition. A condition that makes me untreatable. Unknowable. Unfriendable. Untouchable. Unsalvagable. Flat out crazy.

thanks for reading this far

Thank you so much, Chart and Marcine. I really appreciate your comments

Thank you for this thread. I really appreciate others who understand why we go NC. I also like what the PP said about being able to feel the longing, but still knowing we don't want to reconnect. My mother wasn't super obvious in her emotional abuse, which makes it hard--not like verbally abusing me, harrassing, etc.--but even so my estrangement was somethiing I needed to do to heal. Her relentless denial and protection of the abuser and total lack of concern for my feelings and respect for my need for space just sends me into a total tailspin anytime I tried. We should have a children's day, not a mother's day.

Thank you for this forum. I am noticing here in midlife that I don't ever share my mental health struggles--not sure if that's the right word for it, what I mean under that umbrella is: feeling down, feeling so tired I can't work, feeling overwhelmed, dealing with emotional flashbacks, all the work I have to do to prevent or recover from feeling suicidal, or even just really grappling with like, is it true I was really this horribly abused? or the grief of not being able to have any relationship with anyone in my family of origin anymore--I don't ever share these with friends in my life. Friendships can feel so exhausting to maintain because of it. I have tried in the past and had my disclosures hurled against me later on. And even when people respond OK, it's rarely ever super great, and my system is just sometimes impossible to be anything other than disappointed. I can't imagine calling someone who isn't my therapist or isn't my partner who's in the thick of this with me all the time when I'm upset and asking to share or talk about it. I know there are CSA survivors who can, and Alisa Zipursky's _Healing Honestly_ has helpful tips on how to talk to friendships about sharing about this tough stuff, but it all seems so impossible for me. Lately I've been thinking that because I didn't have one non-abusive parent, and because the abuse was so very bad and extensive, maybe friendships that feel supportive just aren't in the cards for me. Like, my relational trauma is just too bad. I'm always afraid I'll overwhelm people with my need for soothing I never got, so why try at all? And honestly, who wants to hear about the * I'm dealing with? I sure as * don't myself!

Thank you so much for this, this is all helpful and kind

I'm also scared about how much I need her to be there. Sometimes I consider fleeing, canceling the whole thing, but whatever my flaws I'm not stupid. I know this woman has provided me with the best mental health care I have ever encountered. So I probably won't flee. But my affection for and dependence on this therapist  is unnerving.

Oh wow I know this thread is from a while ago, but I just wanted to chime in and say I feel exactly that right now. Desperately scared, and profoundly needy at the same time, wanting to stay and cling. This all makes perfect sense, by the way; this is what happens to those of us who have "disorganized attachment" bc of abuse. you're not alone. I found that Janina Fisher's quote from her book on trauma "the attachment is the memory" really helpful. Basically, therapy fosters a relationship that is also a memory of what your early life was like with your early caregivers. If we had a traumatizing childhood, wouldn't all of this make sense?

I hope that things are going OK for you right now!

Absolutely I can relate! It makes so much sense that you feel hopeless about a caregiving relationship and have trust issues. For two reasons: a) you have actually had traumatizing experience with exactly that! That is a source of wisdom to be honored. Also b) frankly the therapy profession can be a hazardous place for traumatized folks. CPTSD is not in the DSM.

It's good and healthy to be wary. It's brave and I believe worthwhile to give it a shot. One rule of thumb is that any therapist who sees trust as a black/white issue, or demands that you trust them instead of constantly working to earn your trust, is giving you a helpful sign to find someone else.

Oh yes definitely you are not alone! I am really sorry you have been going through a difficult time the last couple of months. I hope that things ease up a bit in the next few weeks, and regardless, I'm glad you're here posting!

You seem like a really lovely and thoughtful friend to have. I think the people in your life are lucky to have you! And I am pretty impressed that you are already doing so much to care for yourself and recognize your difficulties and reach out to others who had traumatizing childhoods at your stage of life. When I was 29 I was still so unaware of what I was dealing with. You're doing awesome.

Friend disappointments are triggering, no doubt. And sometimes it can be hard to figure out when to speak up and when to kind of just let it sit and soothe yourself and see if you want to say something later. No advice to give, just sending solidarity.

Thank you so much

Hi everyone,

I am here after taking this tender self-compassion break: https://self-compassion.org/practices/tender-self-compassion-break-2/

I find it so much easier to be there for imaginary others who may have CPTSD than with myself. My therapy that I had come to rely on is in a really rocky place, just unavoidable interferences co-inciding in both my life and that of my T's, and I feel just constantly awful, can't seem to calm myself. I feel ashamed about how incessantly needy and angry I have been to the therapist--I have been this way before. Nothing makes me feel worse about myself than the person I am in therapy. I'm usually a good person to be around! (I just never share my serious disability--CPTSD--and its frequent flareups though).

Anyway, so I am here as a way to connect with others and try to find ways of coping with CPTSD that aren't just dependent on whether my therapy is going smoothly. I am in mid-life and have been working on healing from CPTSD for over a decade now; working on my PTSD for over two decades. I grew up in a large abusive family with a strong focus on appearing stable and normal. I guess I'm still pretty good at seeming to function well while feeling horrible inside. I started out in therapy because I survived an MPSA as a teenager, and in my young adulthood I started wanting to share that horrific experience. And slowly over time, including very recently, I have come to realize the extent to which I was abused in my home. It's still hard for me to accept, but I do think I survived sadistic CSA throughout my childhood, starting in infancy. I was abused by my dad and by an adult sibling. I don't talk about it much at all outside of my therapy and with my partner, yet right now at my stage of healing the effects of the trauma dominates much of my (seemingly functioning!) life.

Thankfully I have ceased all contact with all members of my family of origin, permanently now. I am happy to talk about that process, it would be a relief. I struggle with a lot of physical body memories. I can't look in the mirror. I am working on taking care of myself to the extent that I need to keep myself regulated. Routines help. Taking breaks like the one I shared above helps. Yoga helps. Speaking to my "parts" helps. Being with my kids and partner help. My dog helps. Pete Walker's 13 steps helps. Turning to literally any page in Judith Herman helps. I could always use reminders to do the things that help. Giving compassion to you for all you've been through helps.

My apologies if this is too long! Thank you for reading and holding this space.