Messages

I was sexually abused by my brother when I was little.
I now have 24 years but the memory of what happened never left my mind.
For years I thought I just needed to talk about it with someone and I took the courage to do so to a psychologist when I was 18, but I stopped when I finally speak about the abuses. I was wrong, I needed to process the trauma, but I then went through a difficult time in my life and now I crave to talk about it with a psychotherapist but I don't have the money to do so.
It's been some years and I think I always experienced symptoms of CPTSD and I want someone to tell me I do, and to help me go through it. I really want to heal because lately I can only think about this, and the trauma, and it's exhausting.
For years I thought I accepted what happened to me but in reality I only know rationally, but emotionally I still see that child as someone different from "me".
I have to accpet that me and that baby are the same person, I'm not her "substitute", she didn't "die", she's me and I'm her. Sometimes this realization kicks in and I feel really bad, I can't even think properly or stop crying but it only lasts some minutes.
I want to heal and to leave this behind, as much as possible.
I want to stop feeling the dissociation, the derealization, all the anxiety I have everyday and all the problems I have with my self esteem and relationships.
I want to become a psychotherapist one day and I know that in order to do so I have to heal first.
I hope I will be able to do so soon

Trigger warning: Child abuse


Hi, I'm a new member of this forum. I actually didn't know this place until a few days ago, but as soon as I found out I decided to join.
First, I apologize in case there are grammatical errors because English is not my first language.
I have been thinking for some time that I want to talk to someone about my trauma.
Many years ago I had decided to see a psychologist because anger, anxiety and pain were destroying me.
As a child I was abused for some time by someone very close to me, and this literally ruined my life.
I didn't tell anyone for many years, but then I decided to open up to a professional.
The thing is, that therapy lasted too short a time, and maybe I wasn't ready to really deal with it yet.
I realize that many of my problems stem from that very trauma, and there are things that I still can't accept, I think. It's as if I see that child as a third person, it's as if it wasn't really me.
Rationally I know it was me, but it's like I see her as a different child from me.
I study psychology so I know a lot about trauma and I know that this is "normal" too, but it's hard to rationalize.
Trauma in childhood can really ruin someone. It's the time when the personality develops and a severe trauma can undermine that. I know that was the case and it destroys me because it's like I wasn't supposed to be me.
It's so hard to explain, but especially in the last few years I think of the past as if I had experienced a bereavement. It's as if "the real me" died and I took over later, I was only born after the child me died.
I often wonder what I would be like if none of this had happened, but I can't give myself an answer and I know no one can.
A year ago I had the courage to tell my best friend after such a long time and currently she is the only person who knows. I would like to go to a psychotherapist but currently I don't have the money to do so.
I would like to use this forum to discuss with people who have experienced similar things so that I can feel less alone.
For years, since I was a young girl, I have suffered from anxiety problems. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder but I think I have a lot more that I'm not aware of.
I don't know if I suffer from CPTSD, although I have suspected it for a long time.
I suffer from symptoms such as excessive anger, irritability, derealization, for the past few years even sleep paralysis but somehow I manage to live with it. There are situations that trigger me of course and I realize only in those moments how much fear I still feel. I think my brain has decided to react with anger mainly just as protection, almost to make me think I'm in control. I avoid every person or situation that could make me feel uncomfortable.
Obviously this has led me to have relationship problems and fear (but also a kind of anger) of men in general. I feel wrong all my life, as if I have no real identity. I feel excluded from the rest of the world, as if I'm standing still and others are moving.
Sometimes I think I'm destined to feel this way forever, but I hope I'm wrong.
I wish I could let go, but for real this time. I would like to live this kind of mourning and let go of that child, accepting what happened to her