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  I have just recently gone through something similar. My partner and I were going to be married this May. After 15 years of waiting for him to finally truly appreciate me and an on/off relationship. I had a really bad trigger event a few weeks ago ( bullying builders in the house for four weeks ) and three weeks ago I lost it completely in front of him for the first time. he threw a complete reaction saying that I was not the person he thought I was, he was "grieving" for what He thought we were and that the wedding was off. Devastated me. So the deepest and warmest hugs and total support that I can give over the internet. I don't know you but know that you are loved. 

It is important to try things out. You never know what might work for you. Keep us posted 

Update on the therapist/mental assessment visit.

So at the end of the session he passed me a booklet "An introduction to coping with Anxiety" So ok not PTSD I think but he didnt know I would present with that when I turned up so I am thinking perhaps this is a generic booklet given to everyone and so in for a penny I will give it  a try.

5 minutes into the booklet and I am getting frustrated and annoyed and this is the reason. It is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Now I am sure it must work for many people as the whole booklet kept saying things like "This booklet will prove an invaluable first step" But here's the thing - everything about this process is based upon knowing what words are going through your mind when you feel anxious and I DON'T verbalise.

Having studied N.L.P and been a counsellor in my own right one of the first things we learn is that every person has one or two primary senses that they use more than others. You might be more visual or more kinaesthetic (posh word for experiencing everything through feeling ), or you might be more auditory. This is very important when working with people because if you ask someone who doesn't verbalise what words they are thinking it is like talking double dutch. Ask then what images they see or what the feel and bingo they can relate.

I was actually quite shocked that the whole CBT therapy that it the primary health care front line therapy of choice by our GP's ignores this knowledge. I wonder how many patients ( and auditory people are only about a quarter of the population ) are made to feel hopeless and useless because they are being asked to do something that they are simply not 'wired' to do.

In any event, he had to phone me to day to finish of my evaluation. It became obvious very quickly that he was out of his depth. I think I just about finished him off when I mentioned I was pretty sure I had mild Multiple Personality Disorder also. We went through the options available and although I am a little worried at the possible implications he is referring me on to the Psychology Services Mental Health Team for further assessment.

I do hope that his protestations over my fears that I would dragged into the mental health system and forced to take drugs and be institutionalised are true 

Watch this space...

Thank you snailspace. The swallows mean a lot to me too as they are a reminder that spring has at last returned after each difficult winter. I use my writing in many ways and have just come to realise that one character I have been role playing for many years suffers from PSD and has flashbacks. My own issues reflecting through my work. 

I love this insightful caption. And I have a copy of almost this exact statue on my mantelpiece. 

As Jdog posted Mindfulness does cover a big area. For me it is the opposite I have to learn to turn my mind off. Hyper-alert and aware in every moment it is difficult for me not to be mindful. Living in the moment is something I have found useful however. This does stop my mind from going over the anxious 'what ifs' of the uncertain future and re-living the trauma flashbacks.

Hey there  I get Flashbacks all the time and they can vary from a sudden powerful emotion or a full scale re-experiencing a complete scenario in vivid emotional replay. They can be triggered by anything and most often I don't know what triggers them. I do know that perceived bullying triggers so many feelings from anger to helplessness.

Hope this helps. You are not the only one. 

I live in the UK. As it happens today I went to a Therapist assigned by my GP for a Mental Health Assessment. We talked at some length about PTSD although he did not call it that but talked about the symptoms of acute ongoing trauma and its results years later. My appointment lasted one and half hours instead of the assigned 40 mins and he still had not finished assessing me. I am to have a phone call Monday to finish the assessment. I will let you know what comes of it and if I am clinically assessed as having C PTSD.

My new theme tune - Beautifully Broken

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2566PfI2VGw

So today I went for my first session, as recommended by my GP, with a government funded therapist.

One and half hours into a 40 minute slot and he still hasn't completed all he needs to go through with me. is this normal I am wondering?

Half way through the generic questions about depression begin to frustrate me because I don't want to seem to be self-diagnosing and want him to be able to work it out himself. But I am giving him all the clues and getting no response. So I tell him I have been researching C PTSD and the symptoms seem to match. He immediately changes tack and starts asking trauma-related questions and I snivel and cry my way through his Kleenex. Bingo.

So having run over time he still didn't finish what he needed to ask for the initial assessment. He makes a phone appointment to finish for three days time because he isn't available locally for 4 weeks. ( he visits to my local GP centre - my lack of transport )

There was a lot of stress on risk assessment and promises from me that I am not about to take my life.

Verdict! Useful and hopeful. Watch this space. 

I am no expert on medication. I have never been down the route of medication. All I can say is that not taking medication I have the following symptoms any way...

- Extreme Fatigue
- Unable to focus eyes
- Uncomfortably vivid dreams
- Tremors
- Increased heart rate
- Labored breathing
- Sweaty palms
- Loss of sensation in legs/arms

The others I have never experienced however. Not sure if this helps separate out side effects of medication or not.

Wishing you all the best 

My theme tune..I play a dragon in my role play online...I find this stirring and powerful..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9P0ChcQaVkU&nohtml5=False

I have always refused to take medication no matter how bad things got for that very reason. Am I right to do so? I don't know. Am I a bit masochistic? Maybe. I would rather feel the depths of the emotional pain than be a zombie. But either way I can't see a future either. I sincerely hope that you find a way to use them to help and then discover the bright future without them. Also not being on them perhaps I am more incapacitated than if I did and therefore not able to work at all and therefore struggling financially which increases the anxiety and PTSD. Many pros and cons...

Thank you for sharing. I could relate to a lot of that. Especially the pain breaking through the normal cheery demeanour. Keep writing and sharing. 

I can relate to this. When asked "What would you like to do in the future?" or "What makes you happy?" or "Focus on the happy stuff oe what makes your heart sing" I struggle. I have been "surviving" and "coping" for so long I am not sure what makes me "happy" any more. There a re just bad moments and better moments. How I step past that I don't know.