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Hey, Desert Flower,
Were you able to feel feelings prior to burying them? Positive feelings are still there? I've noticed that anger is a common thread among neglected children for various reasons, and its roots are justified.
I see the child in there, and sympathise with her and with you now. It's tough and unjust not being acknowledged. I wish you meet people in your life who'll see you and your victories.

I think I have some insight now. It isn't really anything new for me but now I'm almost positive there is reason and connection to it.

It's hard for me to understand my emotional states and their somatic effects, especially negative ones. I do not notice that I am emotionally anxious or mentally strained, I just plough through without giving it any thought. But as I mentioned before, stress increases likelihood of these mood swings by a lot, and I've noticed years ago that when I'm tired my irritability goes through the roof. Physical exhaustion is easier - muscle fatigue and tension, stamina drop, etc. But mental exhaustion is trickier as there are no other signs, just emotional lability and gradual worsening of character. It can take days or weeks to manifest after prolonged exposure to stress of any kind. During that time I don't notice I'm stressed, I might even be energised by a new work challenge or by some exciting events in private life. But after some time I begin waking up sad and lethargic. My usually stoic mood shifts and I find myself tearing up when watching a video or hearing a song. One day these pent up stressors can be longer contained and I break down in tears without a warning.

So my working theory is: I don't notice changes in my emotional or mental states due to alexithymia. But my body still has to process what I ignore or don't register at all, and these internal processes result in emotional overload and breakdown.

Since I am aware of this I will try to be mindful of my energy expenditure and will take breaks just in case something is building up. I'm trying to get in touch with my body and not be a passenger in it, both by myself and as part of my therapy sessions, but so far I've seen no results. Not aware of any connection between emotions and body so far.

If you can relate to any of this, perhaps we're in a similar boat. Please share your thoughts or insights.

Hi Kizzie, thank you for your input. I am going to intro sessions with two different therapists next week. One of them is trauma-focused. Bringing up this issue - and plethora of others in due time - is on my agenda once I click with someone.
If I'll ever find out the source of this I'll share my insights.

Lttle2Nothing:
I hope you find the connection

Blueberry:
Lumping it with alexithymia might've been an error on my part. I have no idea if they are related at all. I just have both and they seem to be co-morbid.
I'm glad your went away.

You probably know what alexithymia is - trouble parsing emotional states and understanding what you're feeling. It has many forms and gradations and they all can vary from person to person. A particular one that I experience sometimes is this:

A sudden tidal wave of profound sadness.

Unprompted, it comes out of nowhere and engulfs and envelops completely. I could be sitting on a bus or walking down a street or making notes in a meeting, and out of the blue the clouds gather, light falters, strength seeps out of me and the mind is overflowing with the acute and heavy sadness. Sadness. Sorrow. Ennui. Hopelessness. Dejection. Whatever the right word for it may be.
Only it remains and everything else is pushed out. I might break down in tears if the wave hits hard enough. On the street, at work, alone or not. It ebbs away slowly throughout the day and might come flooding back at any point.

It might be once a month, might be several times. I noticed it happen more often when I'm under stress, but even then I cannot find a definitive source.
I just don't understand what these waves are and it's depressing to be at a whim of a mental process I do not understand.

Thank you both, I truly appreciate the kind words.
I hope to stick around and maybe even be of help to somebody some day.

Hello,

I've never introduced myself anywhere before and to be perfectly honest I'm not sure why I start now. Perhaps there is no hurt in sharing this with the forum, and perhaps this will be a first step of mine towards further progress. I'll try to keep it short.

Until few weeks ago I did not even know about CPTSD. Also until few weeks ago I did not hit my lowest low. There was a watershed moment, an event that split my life into before and after. You see, I have an unfortunate history of unwittingly disappointing and hurting my wife. Due to my behavior and state of mind I break promises, let her down, and chip away at her sense of stability in life. The specifics are not important now, but my actions have led us to a series of escalating conflicts that have wounded both of us deeply. If I wanted to save us from further pain I had to fix the problem at its roots.

That time was a resolute push for me to finally look inwards and discover what is wrong with me. There are broken things aplenty about me, that is not a revelation, but I've never dug deeper beneath the marred surface. My research online led me to the wiki page on C-PTSD. And the symptoms there checked all the boxes. I've had a notion of what PTSD is from media, but would've never entertained a thought of being affected. I'm familiar with dysthymia, Depression's younger twin. I've dealt with depersonalisation in the past. I've been to the therapist and got my magic beans prescription. But this was new. Turns out the C in the name makes all the difference.

I started reading more and discovering links between people's descriptions and my own life. Childhood is a blur with only few memories soaked in anxiety and profound sense of wrong. Socially tense situations send me into dissociative state of stupor, stressors shut down my mind and I burrow into a cocoon of emotional numbness. Extra spicy memories are just wiped clean the next day. I don't know what is my core of being, my central self. Emotions are veiled and uncertain, lack definition. The list goes on.

There are more issues, compounded into a web of interlinked afflictions, that make it hard to discern which one is a cause and which a symptom. But on the very center lies the childhood trauma that started it all.

I'm reading materials, trying to think, lead a journal and make notes. A therapist is scheduled for an intro session soon.
All of this is new and scary and deeply disturbing. I feel like a piece of me is missing and the broken off part aches with phantom pain. But I'm trying my best to push on and discover how to proceed. I will lurk and read and maybe even poke a tendril out of my shell from time to time.

Thank you and sorry if you read this so far, I hope you are doing well today and will do even better tomorrow.
Cheers!