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A couple days ago, I had a coworker come up to me sort of out of the blue to ask me if I've been doing okay. I said yes and asked why to which they said that they've noticed that I've been acting differently, that I've been getting startled a lot and that I act shocked or taken aback by some of the weird and outlandish jokes that she and other people make when I normally wouldn't be fazed at all. She explained that it's not like a crazy noticeable difference and she likely only sees it because we are around each other all the time.

I took some time to reflect on what she was saying and as I thought about it, realized that I have felt very at peace these past couple of weeks. I'm not as hypervigilant and anxious as I typically am. I am more prone to startling because I am not constantly checking who's around me and my brain isn't on permanent overdrive. It was like I lived for so long being completely overstimulated as a trauma response that most things couldn't possibly throw me off in the way my brain already was. Now that I am a bit more grounded and relaxed on a frequent basis, those external stimuli feel stronger and more meaningful. I never thought I would like getting scared but, now everytime it happens, it's a reminder that the work I'm putting in is making a difference.

Pretty cool in my opinion lol

I just hit five months clean from SH. This isn't the longest I've ever gone but, I am still very happy about it.

However, I just made it to the point where I am absolutely disgusted by my scars. It's such a weird feeling. When I am actively harming or shortly after, I always love how the wounds look and feel more content looking at them. I know that hating the scars means that I have made it past the point of wanting to hurt myself and having a strong desire to continue my streak which is awesome but, simultaneously hating my body kinda ruins the experience. I struggle to see a reality where I can accept my scars AND want to remain clean.

I'm sure I'll get there eventually. If anybody else experiences this or anything similar, I would love to hear about your experience

It has been a couple years since I have been actively suicidal but, I think for the first time in almost a decade, I prefer the idea of being alive to being dead.

Today I was out driving and as I went through a green light, somebody ran a red the opposite direction and got very close to hitting me. Luckily, nothing happened as I stopped fast enough. Normally, when things like this happen my instinct is to get mad about my things getting damaged or thinking about the other person hurting somebody else. The fear of me dying doesn't occur. Even though I didn't want to kill myself, I still welcomed the idea of nature taking me out.

But today was different. I pulled into a parking lot as I was shaken up and thought about how grateful I was to be okay. My brain rushed with all the reasons I want to be alive. I cannot explain how long it's been since I thought about my mortality and didn't have a voice creep in telling me that I would be better off dead.

I know this may seem like a small thing to some people but, this is progress that I never thought I would ever make and I feel really good about it.

I spent so many years in therapy trying desperately to find some sort of diagnosis. I didn't care what. BPD, ASPD, HPD. Anything that meant I didn't have to process my trauma. It was so much easier for me to wrap my head around the idea that something was fundamentally wrong with me. But knowing that I could've had a normal life had I not been taken advantage of feels like the worst outcome.

I was told countless times that people had no idea what was wrong because it made no sense for me to have the symptoms I do without any outside factors. Sometimes I wish I could go back and admit to everybody that I was being abused and they were right all along. I feel like I'm in mourning for all the amazing relationships that I ended because of what I went through. I feel guilty for lying and trying to write everything off as genetics. If only I had the words I have now to explain the things I do.

All I can do tho is hope that I don't make these same mistakes in the future.

I honestly can't believe how long it took for me to come to terms with the fact that just because the CSA I endured was online doesn't mean it wasn't equally as traumatizing.

For context, between the ages of 9-17, I encountered an unmeasurable amount of abuse that thankfully stayed online. From grooming, being manipulated into producing CP, blackmail, doxxing, and in later years being thrust into a SH habit that my countless abusers fetishized. I spoke to hundreds of men and sent hundreds of photos throughout the years. It didn't matter how many PSA's I watched or how many assemblies my schools held. It was so quick that I became addicted to the attention. I was so desperate for that praise that I wasn't getting anywhere else. But it still always felt like my fault because I didn't just turn off my devices.

I used to dream about getting SA'd in person just so I could justify the shame and anguish I was feeling. But enough has time has passed for me to finally recognize how much of a toll that had on my growth and development. The death threats and the google maps screen grabs of my childhood home were all my brain needed to malfunction.

I have been rapidly unlocking memories that I have blocked out lately. It's so upsetting to think about but, at the same time, so incredibly relieving. Being able to make the connections between my past and the daily struggles I have today makes it feel possible to actually get better. So many years in therapy, and I never understood why I wasn't getting better. I wonder how far along I'd be by now if I hadn't lied so much in the past. If I hadn't been so convinced that it was just a mood or personality disorder. It very well might have just been C-PTSD this whole time.

Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of work to do and I still really struggle feeling like what happened to me was bad enough to warrant my issues. But I DO feel like I'm getting better, and I am so thankful for that.

I'd love to hear from anybody that went through any kind of similar trauma! Thank you!

Hello everybody!

I am newly beginning my journey into healing from my trauma. I was diagnosed with PTSD about five years ago but, I was in total denial about it. Recently, the diagnosis was upped to C-PTSD and for the first time in my life, I have actually accepted that my trauma was in fact trauma. I've spent over half of my life being actively traumatized or unknowingly re-traumatizing myself and I am over it. I'm just hoping to find some like-minded people in here while I'm on this adventure!!