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just to chime in

for any consolation, I had a dream about fighting with my mom. actually something silly but I guess that's kind of how they happen.

my irl friendships are kind of awful because I can't show up and I feel too broken for them. I did just send a friend a text - but a single text isn't connection. anyway.

@BlueMoon_ I'm sorry job applications haven't been successful yet. That's a heavy weight on top of healing things/general mental wellness. I have an internship this fall, which means I'm staying with family to save money. You're not alone in struggling to gain independence.

thinking of you and your job hunt

yeah, I was having a bit of a rage episode last week. a childhood thing came up in session today, so maybe that's part of it. I can stick with this therapist I think - we have good rapport and she has good training.

Two things, I still kind of hate myself and I'm annoyed with therapy.

- these things feed into each other a bit. just that thought of why am I even in therapy if I'm not really learning anything new. and my therapist today completely disengaged at some point.

- my therapist talked about how I don't have to seek external validation, but then how do I make meaning of my experience without sharing it? because it's deemed 'small' in the context of trauma. what's the point of making myself miserable if I'm still not 'fixed'?

and no, I don't expect my therapist to fix me. I feel like I'm close to remembering something but I'm stuck.

not that I know of. if it gives any hope etc, I participated in a complex trauma survey (zoom interview) I found on reddit a few months ago. ACEs absolutely need to be updated, and I think the field is gradually shifting.

part of my story (choppy):

I had another dream of fighting with family this morning, so I'm just coping as I can.

in high school I felt it was interesting that child abuse was talked about so casually - a peer told our friend group how their parents repeatedly (uncertain) took his things out of his room, or packed it up in a garbage bag. maybe even throwing out some of his belongings. yet I was invisible. I didn't have words for my experience - maybe I thought it was too small.

anyway, my abuse was bad enough that I started writing a narrative again this past week, as if from the POV of family investigators. and from that POV, no child/teens should be in the situation I was.

I almost reported my family in high school, but I stayed out of loyalty. sometimes I wish I spoke up - it was the best time/opportunity I had to speak up. instead I accepted how it wasn't a big deal - just something else I would need to fix. other peers had it worse. part of me worried my mom would hurt herself.

would the police even care? would DCFS even care? would I even be believed? I couldn't tell anyone about my SA, so why would my family situation be any different?

in middle school, she locked me in my room by tying my door shut for hours. she made me feel like a monster for multiple years. threatening to send me to live with other family. she would hide my things (like my pens or art supplies). in high school she would throw my things into the yard. yeah, I know there's worse things.

my mom has apologized for certain things, like fat shaming me, and is doing 'ok'. but she still has issues. and I'm not trying to hold her at fault for being a 'work in progress'. but how long can I stay patient like this? ie I feel like I shouldn't give up on her.

I don't want to be too graphic, but surely there's a difference between grounding your child and locking them in their room. tying them in to be exact, which naturally caused some hygiene problems. she shamed me for bathroom issues instead of meeting my emotional needs. It's not like I starved or anything, but the fact that I changed eating habits are a red flag (IMO). I won't elaborate on that for now.

but surely I didn't deserve that, and my sibling shouldn't have become a pawn in my mom's abuse. my mom shouldn't have avoided medical appointments.

and yes, I still feel like *I* was the abuser. did my mom deserve better? of course. but so did I.

things emotionally just feel stuck. I've fixated so much on knowing instead of 'feeling', and I have felt a lot. I just wish I could get it out of my system more easily.

the crisis of sorts with family blew over, and I landed another job starting in a few weeks. things feel super busy which makes therapy work even more difficult.

I've been doing emdr gradually since February - literally started zoning out about a random work thing just now. I worry I'm not responding as well as I thought I would.

Anyway, my memory just seems exhausted. I feel like I'm losing chunks of time, from misc things like getting the mail etc. I've heard that's pretty minor, but it's unsettling. some other minor instances I can recall.

I'm hoping to see a neurologist soon, unrelated.

I've been processing a lot since high school ending. I had a job interview today, and who did I call right after? my mom. once again, I'm tied into a family crisis I need to set firm boundaries with. 

I'm also processing a lot currently with emdr, so this is all for now. curious about if others have struggled with 'lies' they've told themselves about trauma vs what actually happened. for now I feel like a compulsive liar. I don't want the truth of my sexual trauma to be real.