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Hello Echoecho and welcome once more.
These are all very helpful questions and comments I think.
I like how Narckiddo is consciously trying 'something new' in a safe situation and see how that plays out.
Myself, I try distinguishing people who may be nurturing to me from people who are not by trying to feel whether I feel calm with them, whether I feel I can afford to not be nice/funny/interesting etc. (that is, fawn) but instead be 'boring', laid back, being able to leave some room in between comments and see what happens. Hope that makes sense.

Thank you for sharing! I really appreciate it. I feel your approach provides yourself with plenty of room to think and feel deeply instead of fawning immediately, I find your approach resourceful and helpful.

I imagine when we "force" us to feel calm we are less likely to be driven by the critic? We can be the real selves and allow us to enjoy the real nurturing relationships we deserve. Very practical critic shrinking technique (suppress the critic's instinct to fawn for acceptance) and I will definitely try it, since I'm also a fawn type.

I find This American Life makes me smile when I hear how some people are so creative of the ways to embrace their life by helping others or by maintaining nurturing relationships. This podcast gives me some hope. Especially when at this moment my energy level is relatively low.

What other podcasts do you find helpful and enlightening and laid-back?

H

Hello, and welcome.
 
Finding nurturing friendships is something that I find hard to deal with.

I've started by trying to take baby steps in situations where it really does not matter much if things go badly. For instance I tend to see the same people quite regularly in the gym locker room. Instead of just changing as fast as possible and getting the heck out of there I have started trying to make conversation, or joining in an existing conversation if it is obviously just social chit-chat. Usually it goes quite well and the interaction is enjoyable. With time I have found people who chat frequently, and who notice if I am not there and ask after me. I do the same with them. It feels nice and safe but because the whole thing can remain very casual it feels quite safe. And there have been occasions where people have just blanked me or given a curt reply, but it's good to deal with that sort of thing too, and try to remember that they might just be having a bad day. It truly cannot be anything to do with me if I have only made a polite greeting. Rather than be wary of that person for ever more I will try greeting them again another time, to see if they are friendlier the next time.

Your point about judging people without knowing them is also something I struggle with. I will tend to cut and run at the first sign of trouble with someone else. So having casual interactions with people who might be a bit dismissive and then trying again another time is one way I am trying to deal with that.

I think any kind of truly close and nurturing relationship takes time so my view is that it is best to go slowly and allow time for it to flourish, if it is going to.

Hello! I feel so related that we share the feeling of what you said as cut and run at the first sign of trouble with someone else. It's reassuring for me to first know someone else is the same as I am in this vein. I'm not alone.

I learned that no relationship is perfect. Even the person I love, maybe when I see something's wrong with him, it's my outer critic's point of view instead of mine. Though currently I'm having a really really hard time distinguishing who some feelings belong to, me or either of my critics, in many situation where I have feelings about. But like Pete wrote in his book, I'll be more mindful and  try not to allow my outer critic hurting someone I really love.


I used to be unwilling to leave someone at all if I think they I've had a "crush" on them whether it's romantic or not, but now I'm seeing it might not do me good and I'll try to leave the unsupportive relationship if I don't feel the support or respect I deserve, instead of trying to yearn for "love" from others. Hope my powerful aura can help me effortlessly draw some loving individuals in. Still working on it regardless.

Hello Echo, welcome to the forum. Darkhorse put it very well. I'd also add that with Cptsd we have to learn on our own. We have to be patient and loving of ourselves while working. People are not easy for us as our models are so very messed up.
 

Hello there and thank you! Your encouragement means a lot to me!

Your words make me feel powerful.

I think I will accept that the boundary setting doesn't happen with a snap of a finger. I want to learn to accept that it takes time and before I'm there, the "imperfect" me is worthy of patience and understanding. Those who don't appreciate me are worth being shut out by my boundaries. I need to gradually learn not to habitually fawn. That's so difficult at this moment. Because I fawn so my inner critic feels safe. And that's when I need to remember to tell her that she's wrong! The real assertiveness and boundary setting make me safe. ...I really hope I can always do this, have the courage to do this. Compassionate pat on the back!

Wow, that is very insightful and kind and compassionate to yourself - big thumbs up to you!    Like all things CPTSD, boundary setting takes time, encouragement to frightened you and some words of wisdom to your Inner Critic to stand down because you got this.

Your words make me feel powerful.

I think I will accept that the boundary setting doesn't happen with a snap of a finger. I want to learn to accept that it takes time and before I'm there, the "imperfect" me is worthy of patience and understanding. Those who don't appreciate me are worth being shut out by my boundaries. I need to gradually learn not to habitually fawn. That's so difficult at this moment. Because I fawn so my inner critic feels safe. And that's when I need to remember to tell her that she's wrong! The real assertiveness and boundary setting make me safe. ...I really hope I can always do this, have the courage to do this. Compassionate pat on the back!

Wow, that is very insightful and kind and compassionate to yourself - big thumbs up to you!    Like all things CPTSD, boundary setting takes time, encouragement to frightened you and some words of wisdom to your Inner Critic to stand down because you got this.

Thank you. I hope I can actually successfully do it and fight my inner critic when she doesn't want to. She is strong and so far most of the time I fail. When it comes to real life I'm afraid of people abandoning me because I stand for myself, especially when it comes to interacting with my abusive parent like individuals. In the end they defeat me. When I see they are happy because they got rid of me I kind of feel good for them because I give them good wishes, but I forgot myself, I tend to not put myself first and it led to unwanted results, but I'll ventilate more. I'm afraid when I stand for myself it make me look weird and unnatural, it's unnatural for me because I never learned to do it growing up.

I was looking up something lately based on how I was feeling.  I saw an article that said something along the lines of "you teach others how to treat you." This phrase rubs me the wrong way and I'm curious what others think.  I've been experiencing a lot of shame since reading this.

I can only imagine how much it rubs you the wrong way and causes you to feel shame given it puts the responsibility (blame) for our abuse on us. I think the phrase should be "Perpetrators teach their victims--children and adults--how to behave in order to survive". That better reflects what happens to survivors who don't see a way out and puts the responsibility back where it belongs - on those who emotionally, physically and/or sexually abuse others because they have some type and degree of power over them.

Please do yourself a kindness and let go of the shame, you don't deserve it, none of us do. 

Your words make me feel powerful.

I think I will accept that the boundary setting doesn't happen with a snap of a finger. I want to learn to accept that it takes time and before I'm there, the "imperfect" me is worthy of patience and understanding. Those who don't appreciate me are worth being shut out by my boundaries. I need to gradually learn not to habitually fawn. That's so difficult at this moment. Because I fawn so my inner critic feels safe. And that's when I need to remember to tell her that she's wrong! The real assertiveness and boundary setting make me safe. ...I really hope I can always do this, have the courage to do this. Compassionate pat on the back!

I want to share I just learned that when I feel terrified by the person who caused my CPTSD and my tears flow on their own, and nothing help, I can focus on the feeling of my feet and the ground I'm touching. It reminds me that I'm actually in this moment, in my adult body. That I've learned a LOT more. I'm really less helpless and more powerful!

I hope this might help someone. And we can make progress gradually.

Whenever my mother talks to me or she approaches me I flashback to when she hit me consistently like she's crazy and I have no help. I can't help but cry endlessly and hide myself under my arms and tremble. I tried the 13 steps but it doesn't work as usual. I can't convince that I'm not in danger. Because she just kept approaching and talking to me even though I beg her.

Please help me figure it out.

My ex let me cry and cry and he's indifference to my emotions. He only asked me to make amends with my parent even though I made it clear that they are the cause of my CPTSD. I shared what other bad things are happening in my life and I didn't get comfort from him. He thought he is under too much of the pressure I gave him emotionally.

I don't know if it's my fault or he's offered me neglect and abandonment just like my parents do.

Hi I'd like to join too

Today I learned that I am the one who should be responsible for my own emotions and needs. My partner is not  a jack-of-all-trades who is here or fulfil all my desires. He gave me a lot of patience and calmness. I took it for granted and ask more and more and more. I should let me outer critic stop hurting someone I love so much instead love him properly. Even though I cannot resist because he is the only person I'm willing to open myself to, even though he doesn't care about my struggles and it might be too much for him. Fortunately, now I can share on this platform with whom can really understand my struggles, acknowledge and face the fact that I have CPTSD.
Many gratefulness

[General Trigger Warning as some are specific examples of abuse/trauma childhood experiences.]

I use humour as a way to cope, and maybe others here do too? So here's a collection of latest memes from r/CPTSDMemes (thanks Reddit).
General Trigger Warning as some are specific examples of abuse/trauma childhood experiences.















That "hearing someone talk about how great your parents are" is especially real for me. :') Since my M was a teacher at a school I attended, a lot of fellow students would tell me how great she is. That was hard to hear all the time.

Regards,
Aphotic.

I like the shirt one!

I watched Network because I read it from Pete's book. It makes me think of a lot of things. I reflected on how I should live my life instead of pouring so much emotion on tv and public figure's work.

Hi Jim,

I'm wondering if you've perhaps misremembered the Pete Walker quote? Sometimes our trauma brains reinterpret information in a way that confirms our worst fears/ideas about things, and isn't necessarily the truth.

What I remember from the book about good enough relationships is that we'll never have the ideal relationship we're expecting/wanting to heal our childhood wounds etc. I think it's along the same lines of a partner can't meet all your emotional needs and you need to find ways to meet them yourself.

It's been ages since I read the book, and went back to have a look. There's a part where he mentions that some people's abuse was so extreme that it is unreasonable to expect them to trust people again, but a good enough relationship can be built through animal/non-human relationships. Maybe this is what you're referring to?

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi, thank you, now I know that I need to focus more on myself, instead of reaching out for help from my partner, who left me for me doing the opposite. I think I'm not likely to find the perfect relationship that the at-the-end-of-the-continuum narcissistic me want. I'll work on it. And I'm grateful for his patience, even he doesn't meet my need perfectly, and yes he doesn't have to and I shouldn't expect him meet all my need.

I've had one but my ex took her and broke up with me... I hope you find one and enjoy the time together.