hi!
i'm rainbug.
I've experienced various forms of abuse over the years but I am here mainly to learn to cope with the emotional, sometimes physical, abuse and isolation/neglect I experienced during my childhood. it was complicated by the fact that I have a mobility disorder and so was even more dependent (in reality tho my needs weren't met) on some reasonable degree of caretaking even than many other children throughout the time I lived in my foster-turned-adoptive mother's care. for instance she kept a house in which I had to walk sideways down very narrow paths with my crutches as there was no room to walk any other way, I couldn't reach cups to get a drink, my room was always upstairs, I didn't learn to put my own shoes and (braces,i had braces then) on till I was in late elementary school so went without a lot, etc. food was scarce and I had to wait on her to bring it home eventually at night after work, if she did, and I was made to know just how much of a burden I was and how much she wished she hadn't gotten me often.
much more of course, but that's enough for now.
what I seem to have been left with that almost troubles me more than the darker stuff is a deep yearning to be loved, held, reassured, comforted, and to have my emotional needs met and all my little triumphs acknowledged. this is more painful to me than it sounds bc i am also shy and rather agoraphobic and prefer to communicate in writing which doesn't lead directly at all to those things. also I struggle with the fact that I understand others can only give what they can give and it is unfair to ask others to meet unmet childhood needs but still- my needs are so strong.
I have had general weekly counseling on and off for years and recently some specifically trauma based counseling which was far more helpful and gave me far more skills to work with but it is a slow slow process and I find I continue to struggle too much as I work to learn them.
nice to meet everyone!
i'm rainbug.
I've experienced various forms of abuse over the years but I am here mainly to learn to cope with the emotional, sometimes physical, abuse and isolation/neglect I experienced during my childhood. it was complicated by the fact that I have a mobility disorder and so was even more dependent (in reality tho my needs weren't met) on some reasonable degree of caretaking even than many other children throughout the time I lived in my foster-turned-adoptive mother's care. for instance she kept a house in which I had to walk sideways down very narrow paths with my crutches as there was no room to walk any other way, I couldn't reach cups to get a drink, my room was always upstairs, I didn't learn to put my own shoes and (braces,i had braces then) on till I was in late elementary school so went without a lot, etc. food was scarce and I had to wait on her to bring it home eventually at night after work, if she did, and I was made to know just how much of a burden I was and how much she wished she hadn't gotten me often.
much more of course, but that's enough for now.
what I seem to have been left with that almost troubles me more than the darker stuff is a deep yearning to be loved, held, reassured, comforted, and to have my emotional needs met and all my little triumphs acknowledged. this is more painful to me than it sounds bc i am also shy and rather agoraphobic and prefer to communicate in writing which doesn't lead directly at all to those things. also I struggle with the fact that I understand others can only give what they can give and it is unfair to ask others to meet unmet childhood needs but still- my needs are so strong.
I have had general weekly counseling on and off for years and recently some specifically trauma based counseling which was far more helpful and gave me far more skills to work with but it is a slow slow process and I find I continue to struggle too much as I work to learn them.
nice to meet everyone!