I'm solix, I'm 24 and I'm here to break the cycle of isolation and find community.
About me:
Both of my parents are adult children coming from abusive households. My mom has covert narcissistic tendencies and my dad is an emotionally immature man with anger issues. I was often scared of him as a child because of his outbursts. My mother was very kind and friendly, but completely failed to parent me, set healthy boundaries and take responsibility for my well-being. I often felt as an extention of her, not as an individual, since I wasn't encouraged to develop as one.
My parents divorced when I was really young and they both remarried unhealthy traumatized people. My step-mother is diagnosed with bipolar, and my step-father is emotionally stunted, depressed and addicted to video games. I had very inappropriate, boundary crossing interactions with both of my step-parents while growing up. It all left me confused and estranged from my family.
As the invisible child, my spirit got crushed early on. Due to being bullied and other contributing factors, I became alienated from my peers. I recall getting stuck in a freeze state early on. At school I would sit by myself, avoid other kids and space out in class. At home I'd numb out with video games and being on the internet. I lived with a pervasive feeling of shame, guilt and embarrassment. I developed social anxiety and depression. I was blamed for my issues and suffered in silence.
I don't remember a time I didn't carry the crushing burden of grief and anger. I hope one day I'll know what it's like to be free of it. Right now, it's hard. My dreams, my passions, any intimate relationships that I could have were taken away from me. I had nothing left with the exception of the life inside my body, and perhaps the dim sense of my true self that I'd experience from time to time in isolation, through creativity.
A few years ago I had a revelation. I started taking yoga classes and I felt relaxed and grounded in my body. My body has never been my own, yet this time, I found ease in it... It was a wonderful, but foreign feeling. I did more research on trauma and eventually found Pete Walker's book on CPTSD, I couldn't relate more. While I did significant progress, I still find myself in cycles of isolation and avoidance, and have yet to get into my healing which I'm hoping to do as I show up for myself
Thanks for reading!!
About me:
Both of my parents are adult children coming from abusive households. My mom has covert narcissistic tendencies and my dad is an emotionally immature man with anger issues. I was often scared of him as a child because of his outbursts. My mother was very kind and friendly, but completely failed to parent me, set healthy boundaries and take responsibility for my well-being. I often felt as an extention of her, not as an individual, since I wasn't encouraged to develop as one.
My parents divorced when I was really young and they both remarried unhealthy traumatized people. My step-mother is diagnosed with bipolar, and my step-father is emotionally stunted, depressed and addicted to video games. I had very inappropriate, boundary crossing interactions with both of my step-parents while growing up. It all left me confused and estranged from my family.
As the invisible child, my spirit got crushed early on. Due to being bullied and other contributing factors, I became alienated from my peers. I recall getting stuck in a freeze state early on. At school I would sit by myself, avoid other kids and space out in class. At home I'd numb out with video games and being on the internet. I lived with a pervasive feeling of shame, guilt and embarrassment. I developed social anxiety and depression. I was blamed for my issues and suffered in silence.
I don't remember a time I didn't carry the crushing burden of grief and anger. I hope one day I'll know what it's like to be free of it. Right now, it's hard. My dreams, my passions, any intimate relationships that I could have were taken away from me. I had nothing left with the exception of the life inside my body, and perhaps the dim sense of my true self that I'd experience from time to time in isolation, through creativity.
A few years ago I had a revelation. I started taking yoga classes and I felt relaxed and grounded in my body. My body has never been my own, yet this time, I found ease in it... It was a wonderful, but foreign feeling. I did more research on trauma and eventually found Pete Walker's book on CPTSD, I couldn't relate more. While I did significant progress, I still find myself in cycles of isolation and avoidance, and have yet to get into my healing which I'm hoping to do as I show up for myself
Thanks for reading!!