Messages

Thank you for your supportive, sweet words. Looks like the weeping was worthwhile. I do feel relieved and had had a relaxed and productive night! More so than the past few weeks. 

I am listening to the book of Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, and it's very helpful and I recognize so much stuff. I read about grieving, that this is also a necessary part of the healing process. I actually wanted to skip that.  I was thinking, doing EMDR sessions, working on my inner critic for the 1543th time and opening up a bit more to others would be enough. But just now I was crying for quite a long time. It tends to happen in public these days, and I found myself a nice spot in a nearby park. And I was sobbing.... Feeling a huge amount of compassion for the struggling child I was, being hurt by either my father or bullies from school, left alone emotionally by my mother. Constantly on the watch out, almost never able to find a safe spot, seeing no way out other than fleeing in my imagination, dreaming about being rescued by nice, warm people in a camper van. Feeling the old pain, feeling for the girl I was is painful but also relieving. So hopefully this is some kind of useful grieving. hugging my younger self and trying to accept the vulnerability that I am feeling in my current live, Which is quite difficult but I making steps forward. Cleaning up the garbage, leaving the heavy burden with my parents, it's not mine, it's theirs (their traumas don't have to be mine anymore).

Thank you Chart for the kind words. 

Thank you, for the first in my life I feel somewhere hidden inside hope that  I can leave most of the trauma in the past where it belongs and that I no longer need to carry this always present feeling of guilt with me. EMDR  and schema therapy are helpful for me, but of course it's hard work, especially resisting the tendency to avoid. Probably recognizable...

Thanks for the warm welcome and the kind words.

Hello, hopefully I will find some support here, while reading and writing. I grew up being bullied for years, never found a safe place for a longer time, especially during my teenage years. Always on the lookout. My parents were both emotionally not very available to support me. My father abused me emotionally and sometimes physically. Both bringing their own childhood traumas with them. My father was in need for validation and love, I experienced him as a helpless, lonely, hurt little boy and that felt as a burden. I was given responsibility for him being unhappy. 'You are destroying him', was one of the repeated messages, while I was behaving like a normal teenager, suffering from bullying. My adolescence was also a hard time, lately I am becoming more conscious of this. Leaving my family when I was just 17, trying to function in the adult world, while I felt like a vurnerable, little girl. Dissociating, meeting a lot of people, also therapists, that were not validating me, on the contrary, giving me harsh feedback or insulting me. All these experiences created a fertile environment to develop an eating disorder, traits of a personality disorder and episodes of depression. Different therapies have supported me, like rTMS, and since a few months I am addressing my childhood traumas more directly and it's the first time that I think I have the courage to endure the intense healing process. So right now I am having a lot of severe emotions and tension but also hope that I will experience post traumatic growth. I long for a life with more moments of joy and less disturbance of my bad mannered inner critic, attacking my inner child. Helpful resources for me are being in touch with my inner playful child, my creative mind and being meaningful for others.