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Thank you again for the reply. Everything you have said has crossed my mine more than once. My work on forgiveness is weak as I have struggled to forgive my father. He passed a few years ago and I had a hard cry at the funeral, not because I was sad, but because I was mad and hurt that I would never hear the words I needed him to say so I could move on. But he doesn't consume my mind, actually never did after I moved away.

Your are correct and I doubt I will ever get any acknowledgements or atonement from their mother. I will heed the advise I read and begin my own forgiveness path, as I completely agree - it is for the forgiver. I will be looking for these threads and get to work as my deep seeded anger that affects me in ways I probably not even aware.

The reason I came here is exactly for this type of process. To hear from others on a similar path, both for their experience and examples, but also so I don't feel so alone.

I know on a deep level my girls love me. Their perspectives have be tarnished for sure, but I also contributed to it, so I must work on that part and make my amends with them. Not just for my own healing, but for theirs. They deserve a better effort from me, they are so worth it.

Thanks again, all the best in your journey.

This post is full of gratitude. Thank you for your warnings, but I did not find your words critical, or troubling, just a different and honest perspective. For me every perspective has value to help me navigate my feelings on this matter. My daughters are adult children.

Issue one is despite my numerous attempts to convince T (daughter's mother) to attend counselling or mediation with me to resolve and give me space to share the impact her behavior has had on the three of us, she refuses. My last attempt was 5 years ago when we learned we would be grandparents. T's idea of personal growth is to seek out a psychic or tarot card reader for advice, instead of working on her behaviors that have a negative impact on us. Her behaviors are classic narcissism, meaning she has never apologized for any harms, accepted responsibility for her hurtful words and actions, or accepted accountability for any of our family struggles. It's not her, it's us.

For me, I did not come here to bash her either, that I have done in my mind for years, and to my determent and that of my children. That is the cycle I want to break and mend. And sadly, I have defended myself against her by speaking ill of her to my children, so I am part of the problem and for this I am deeply sorrowful and so wish I could take it back. She has taught my children it's ok to be mean spirited and say very hurtful things to me. In these energized and triggered moments, I respond in kind and contribute to the whole big mess. This vicious cycle is 20 years running.
 
This statement you made has my attention and I hope you can explain further; "It's just that I think it might be worth you considering whether forgiving the mother of your children and forging a good relationship with your children are not actually dependent on one another." It sounds to me that you feel I don't have to "forgive" the mother, but I can exorcise the demons in a different way. Is this correct?
 
Thanks again for replying and I do find your comments helpful, so I really appreciate you taking time to comment.

RA

Hi Desert Flower... I was 58 when I was diagnosed with PTSD. In the following months I felt some relief to finally have some understanding. From there I began to read at length about PTSD and learned about C-PTSD. I do not have a formal diagnosis for CPTSD, but I fit the mold. With a diagnosis I worked hard not to see it as a label, but an explanation of the impact my childhood has had on my life. With this knowledge I have been able to focus my healing journey and I have some miles to tread still, but I do see some light.

Hi PC... thank you for the warm welcome. I have been looking for a venue like this for a few years. I am so glad I found it. For me, being able to speak about my experiences, and hear from others is so beneficial.

Hello. Please help me to find the right words.

How do I forgive the mother of my children for alienation? I know I hold deep hurt and anger because of what was said about me and how it has impacted our children and my relationship with them. I am not a bad person, there is nothing wrong with me, I have an illness that was said to be my personality. It was not, it was a traumatized little boy in adult shape. Language was expressed by her that I have a personality defect and she used this concept to rail against me, that there is something wrong with.

Sadly, I know my children see how much I hold against their mother, and it affects our relationship. I know it is time I move these feelings out for the sake and happiness of my children and any possibility of a future with them in my life.

It's been two decades and "my" inability to forgive is what holds us and me back.

I can't express how much I love them and to not do this work is a disservice to all. I am seeking some clear messaging that states my hurt and anger, without blame, so I may say it once and move on. However, I know I will be elevated and really don't know how the message will be received. Please understand this is about me, and not her.

If I am lucky enough to hear back from a few folks with some words that can help me articulate my pain without blame, I would be so grateful. Any advise, words, or encouragement with some thoughts to help me form a clear and sincere message.
 
Many thanks.....

Hi,
Not sure how to begin so I will give a little backstory. I recently celebrated my 64 th birthday and in a few days it will be the 60 th anniversary of the first instance my father abused me. It was only a few days later I first considered taking my life, I was four years old. In the beginning it was mostly shaming and verbal/emotional abuse and by age 8 it became physical.

The direction of my relationship with my father I took as a boy was one who would try so hard and strive to please him through achievement. I was not a great student, but was a very good athlete, so making the "rep teams" and excelling in multiple sports was my way into my father's graces. I also found acceptance from my teammates and peers, which was a new experience. As much as I succeeded in my endeavors from an outside perspective, it was never good enough in my father's eyes, I didn't measure up, and he could be counted on to remind my how unaccomplished, inadequate, and unremarkable I was.

After years of on and off struggles with substances, mostly alcohol, I began my first therapy more that thirty years ago. I never really felt any better, because no one had considered complex trauma as factor in my behaviors and mental makeup. This was all extenuated when I met the mother of my children (we never married) and she continued the verbal, emotional, and on occasional physical abuse. As I learned more about mental health, and illnesses, I can reflect and realized she too was a survivor of a horrific childhood, except her propensity was to lean toward a traumatic narcissist.

The good news. I met my wife sixteen years ago. In fact, today is the sixteenth anniversary of our first date. She is a god send and could see the boy inside the man who had been damaged so completely. And she gave me space to work through my dark moments, even those that affected her in negative ways, with love, patient and understanding. I began to open to her about my experiences, which was good for me to speak about, and good for her to understand why I was as I was. I fear if I had not met her when I did, I doubt I would have survived.

So here I am, with a community of similar folks who I know can relate to my story. My reason to be here is I often feel so alone in this journey and it is great to have a place to share my lows and highs. I look forward to this new journey.

RA