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I'd be interested in knowing about a service dog too, if anyone has experience.

I've read and reread Pete Walker's book since I was diagnosed with cPTSD a year and a half ago. SO helpful! Hello and welcome, PaulC.

Last week, I started reading Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology, and How You Can Heal by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. She writes that "more than half of women suffering from irritable bowel syndrome report childhood trauma."

sometimes the simplest way is the best.  'i'm having some issues, and i want to take a break from the sibs for awhile'.

Sanmagic, thanks for your reply. My mom is supportive when she's away from my sibs, so I'm sure that'll be enough.

I dread the annual visit, but one thing I realised in the aftermath of my father's death last year, is that as the family scapegoat, and with a few exceptions, I have nothing to lose.  I can be different and they still won't like me, but I can feel better.

I too was and still am the scapegoat of my FOO. Your attitude helps me look at the situation in a more positive light. Thank you!

My sister would like to see me and my parents have a fake relationship.  I think she feels they are old and doesn't want me to regret my relationship with them.  But, this isn't what I want so I am not going to.

Dee, thanks for the reply. I can relate. My sister would rather pretend the family is happy together. Two years ago, I told her I needed a break. The following January, she contacted me to ask when we could get together for an after Christmas celebration. I had a full blown panic attack which resulted in my diagnosis of cPTSD, and beginning recovery.

This year, after my dad's memorial, I told them that I've changed. And while I don't expect them to accommodate me, I hope they understand that I can't go back to pretending I'm content with the old family dynamics. We'll see... I will remember to keep asking myself "What do I want?"

Welcome! I'm glad you found us. 

Since my dad's memorial service in the Spring, I've felt like my family has died too.

I haven't heard from my siblings since the memorial [to include my birthday which I mentioned in a previous post]. Honestly, I'm willing to let them go. They were the source of my abuse, and I'm ready to heal and move forward. The problem is my mother still wants us to be a family even though she knows we'll never be happy, so she's always trying to fix things between us.

In a few weeks, as executor of my dad's estate, I'll be going up to help my mom with a few things. I'm looking forward to seeing her, but I realize I'm eating too many comfort foods, and drinking more alcohol than usual. I guess I'm feeling anxious.

I meditate to relax, but don't know how to tell my brain that the visit will be okay. I dread any talk about my siblings, but know it'll come up, especially with the holidays around the corner. My mom doesn't know about the abuse, and I have no intention of ever telling her. But I don't know how to explain that I can't see my siblings anymore... that it's just not good for my mental health.

I've had similar days where the stress at work triggers a flashback. The last time this happened, I felt stupid afterwards, but realized how much I've grown because I didn't allow myself to stay in that mode. Like you said, I remembered it will pass. Keep remembering to be kind to yourself. Tomorrow is another day.

Great topic! When I was a teen [late 1970s], I would listen to the Who's album Quadrophenia and scream along with Roger Daltrey. Then a few years ago, I heard Bettye LaVette's version of "Love Reign O'er Me" which is perfect for my grown up recovering self. https://youtu.be/EJi6maTueSc

YAY!! Happy birthday! 

So sorry for your loss, Summer Sun. I hope this forum feels like a friendly, safe place for you during this time in your life. 

Glad I could share my experience to support you. I hope you don't have to wait too long. 

[the laughter of my siblings]

Sandstone, I had EMDR last year, and like you, I didn't have particular memories to focus on. I just wanted to rid myself of the feelings I've carried all these decades. As the scapegoat of my family, all I could remember is my siblings laughing, and how I felt after they bullied me. So I chose the laughter of my siblings as the focus of my first EMDR session. After the session, I felt like I had a forcefield around me, and the thought of their laughter just bounced off me. When I saw them this summer, I wasn't triggered by their "nostalgic" childhood stories of the "fun" they had abusing me. I felt in control. EMDR was definitely worth it, in my opinion.

i'm with the rest of you with ibs, alternating diarrhea and constipation.

Me too. From what I understand, as a "freeze" type during my abusive years, my digestive system would freeze too. I was constipated for years. But in recent years, I've had the opposite problem. I now eat gluten-free, low sugar, adequate fiber, and minimal dairy, and that seems to keep me going good. Just recently, I noticed that after a flashback I don't have much of an appetite, and I crave foods that were comforting to me as a child.